8:30 pm – Tonight as I was walking my mom from the walker to the bed she said “you think you’re so smart don’t you? ” I didn’t respond. She smiled and said, “cause you’re taller than me.” She’s still cute.
11:35 am – Yesterday horrible, today not much better. Saw nurse twice yesterday and so far twice today. She’s in and out, here and not. It’s not looking good
5:10 am – can’t sleep. I play out these scenarios. I need to get a picture, one more picture of her and I. We picked out her flowers yesterday and made a list of people she’d like to know. I can’t imagine the calls…Is this the morning I go over and she’s not alive? Please when the time comes, don’t say what a blessing….
9:15 am – She was sitting up at her table when I came in. The table was moved as if she’d crashed into it. She’d been throwing up. She wanted to call but didn’t know how. Our plan is to move her to my house today.
She’s so tired. Getting her tiny little body into bed. She looked at me and said I love you so much, I just don’t want to miss you. My heart broke.
RN monday, Chaplin Tuesday, Social worker tomorrow, RN Thursday, Friday visit with her doctor to say goodbye…. Friday night, my brother comes. Next week funeral home comes to plan. Each of those days we drag out things, make lists, make plans, discuss how much she wants to be done, how soon it could come, how horrible it would be to drag out… I get it, but I hate it. How many times can a “child” hear that their parent wants to die. I cry every day… I can’t imagine my world without her. She does seem to be improving a little, at times and other times not so much. I feel like a child, that will be an orphan… no grownups that are mine.