Count down to the end…

Mom threw up all day today. It was the most horrible vomit ever. I thought I’d lose it but I kept it together. She kept saying sorry and I kept telling her it was ok. I remember waking up early after not having slept well and thought I need to get to her house. It was a good thing I did because she had been stumbling around her house. The table in the kitchen was moved as if she had bumped into it hard. She was confused and out of it. I felt bad I hadn’t stayed the night. Why hadn’t I stayed the night?

God, I wish she were here so she could see where I am. I wish she could offer her opinion even if I didn’t like it. Would she be happy with what is going on in my life?

I knew I had to bring her to my house so I was running around her house trying to wash her bedding so I could bring it, gather all her stuff and pack her a bag. I was depending on the people at home to help with things, set things up. I needed help at her house but at the time the rodeo was acting up and I had mom’s car so no one could really help.

When the time finally came for me to leave the house I couldn’t get mom out by myself. She was too weak. I had the van all loaded up and I was trying to figure out how to get her out when I saw these men working on a house across the street. I had hoped maybe they could carry her out… I had to ask. They did help me, thankfully and we got to my house. I hurried up and made my bed with her bedding… asked where she was. I asked her if it looked like her bed. She said yes and seemed satisfied. I slept (when I did sleep) on the floor next to the bed. I should have laid with her but I had been shut down for so long it just didn’t feel comfortable.

 

This can’t be happening.

1:55am I need sleep, more than 30 minutes to an hour sleep and somewhere other than a recliner or the floor. My people are helpful but not enough. I’m tired.

4:45am – Ashlee and Antone sat with mom, I slept for a while, next to her, Then she started getting sick. Weird kind of sick…

10:05 am – the nurse was here. She asked if I had read this page.

This can’t be real. She’s going to get better.

 

Today is my brothers birthday…

 

7:20 pm – Mom was able to see her kids today, through Skype or in person. I believe it brought her peace. I hope my dad is with her now and he will be helping her cross into heaven soon so they can be together again. She’s been my best friend and I’ll miss her every day. I love you forever momma

8:30 pm – She took a pause in her breathing, she said, “is that how you do it? Am I gone? Honey, you’ve got to call an official.” Earlier she told Ashlee she better get the law out here because she didn’t want us getting blamed.

 

11:25 pm This is torture, I don’t want to let her go. I know I have to, I want her suffering to end, I know she’s tired but she’s MINE and I still NEED her. She sleeping, I should be too but the tears just run. I can’t… it is too much

 

 

5 am

5:10 am – can’t sleep. I play out these scenarios. I need to get a picture, one more picture of her and I. We picked out her flowers yesterday and made a list of people she’d like to know. I can’t imagine the calls…Is this the morning I go over and she’s not alive? Please when the time comes, don’t say what a blessing….

 

9:15 am – She was sitting up at her table when I came in. The table was moved as if she’d crashed into it. She’d been throwing up. She wanted to call but didn’t know how. Our plan is to move her to my house today.