I feel my heart sinking.


I’m right back there. Thoughts overwhelming my brain. Tears trying to escape. I want to scream. Stomp my feet. Throw hissy fit.

I want my mom back! I WANT MY MOM BACK!

This was the day I brought my mom to my house. I made my bed with her sheets and bedspread, so she’d feel at home. When she asked, “where am I?” I said well who’s bed does it look like you’re in? It felt good when she said “mine.”

I miss her. I long to hear her voice or feel her hand in mine.

Reminders

Today is my daughter’s birthday. Should be a good day and I will do my best to make it so. I hadn’t bought her a card so I went to my  mom’s stash and there among the many different cards was my son’s graduation card. Mom was always prepared. She had a book, each page was a month and it had little pockets in it. She had birthday cards placed in the pockets for upcoming birthdays. March and April were empty pockets because we’d just done those birthdays and she had yet to refill them. But every other month still had cards. May had a card for Linda but not one for me. Mom would have snuck to the store to buy me a special card, because I was special to her. I looked at the cards in the pockets picked out for all those she loved, the granddaughters, grandsons, great granddaughters and great grandsons. Cards for her sons, daughter-in-laws, daughters and son-in-laws, nieces, nephews and some special friends. They each had a spot in her book. She never missed a birthday and all the little kids always got valentine, Easter, Halloween dollar bills in little cards too.

I thought about giving my daughter her birthday card from my mom but I didn’t want to make her sad on her birthday. I think I’ll save it because one day I might have a special granddaughter to give it to. I wish mom could have made it one more year to see my son turn 18, help me make graduation announcements together like we did with my daughter and to watch my son graduate. I know people will say, she’s watching it all from heaven but that doesn’t work for me. In fact I kind of hate it. She will be in all of our thoughts though and she’ll be in my heart as well.

I miss you mom….

Struggling

I’m struggling with my mom today, well last night too. I’m so mad, frustrated, upset that I didn’t communicate with her before she died just how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. I didn’t tell her how much I was going to miss her. Why didn’t I do that? I KNEW she was dying, how stupid of me not to tell her those things. I’m little bit upset with her for not saying good bye. She knew, she was telling people and giving her things away but she didn’t like stop me and wake me up to what was really happening.  I wrote on facebook almost an entire week before she died that she was dying but I didn’t accept it? I know she knew those things, but I so wish I would have told her. It feels some completely weird to have literally watched my mom die and to have not done anything to stop it. Why didn’t we stop it? Because it was what she wanted but holy crap, it so sucks. It’s not what I wanted. I wanted her with me.

My mother, my friend, my balance

When my mother was dying I knew it was happening but I somehow didn’t accept it. So when she died within a couple of weeks I was shocked and unprepared. Not that a person can ever be prepared for the death of a loved one.

My mom was something special to me. Like no other person in the world. I love her like I love no other. We were partners in crime, we were equals, we were like each others halves. She was my better half, smarter, knew how to do so many things so well. I was her better half, patient and kinder. We became a team and we were tight.

Not having my mom around means I don’t have a part of myself around. There is a giant hole in my heart and I don’t even know how to be me. Who am I without my other half, who am I without my mom. My mom was my last adult connection. She kept me stable and I knew as long as I had my mom I would always be safe. Now I’m lost and vulnerable. I am also filled with regret and disappointment.

I lost my mom on April 21, 2017. I literally watched my mother die in my home, in my bed and it was the worst day of my life. It’s been almost 5 months since I lost my mom and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to completely move on. I miss her every day and I miss her more and more as each day passes. I rarely went more than a couple days without talking to her and never more than 3-4 days without seeing her. Each day that passes reminds me how much I miss her. I long to hear her voice, to see her happy face when I walked into her house.

My mom loved me more than any other person ever could. No matter what I did, my mom always loved me and though I was wonderful. I can’t yet even begin to think how I will ever get through the next 30-40 years without her. The sun still shines everyday but it just isn’t as bright or as warm as it once was. Life still goes on, but it feels muted and dull without my mom. I still laugh but it’s empty without my mom.

My mom was a wonderful person, not without faults but wonderful in spite of her faults. I am who I am today because of my mom. I am a lot like my mom and that’s a good thing. Shortly before my mom died I told her that I was a lot like her, she apologized and said “I’m sorry about that.” I told her I wouldn’t want to be like anyone else and I was glad I was like her.

Each and every day I wake up without my mom is like a slow death of my own. I will always miss my mom but possibly someday it won’t hurt as much.

 

Aprons

My mom ordered these aprons for mother’s day, before she died. She bought 5 of them and we were left to assume who they were for. Today while going through her paperwork, I found the order form. The purple one listed first had my name, then a black one with Linda’s name, a pink one for “me” (my mom) and blue one for Helen (her twin) and a multicolored one for her best friend Rose. Linda and I were the only ones who took one so I think I will mail Helen’s to her and I will hand deliver to Rose. The pink one that was for mom, I’ll keep. Today has been rough. I called creditors to close her accounts, they are real nice when you don’t owe them any money… There is only one account remaining open and it has credit/life so I’m just waiting for the paperwork. I miss my mom so much. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. I drive by her neighborhood ALL the time and it physically hurts. I see her smile on my profile photo and it’s a stab in my heart. I need her, want her… Can’t cope without her. I’m dying…just dying without her.

Sleep eludes me

Nighttime is hard. The days before she died play out like movies in vivid detail in my head. Did I do things right, was she comfortable, could I have done things different, did I do what she wanted? I wish I could talk with her, one more time… when I saw my aunt, my moms twin for the first time after my mom died, I crumbled, I fell to my knees and bawled. She sent me a thank you card today with a letter, telling me I had done a good job and thanking me for taking such good care of her sis. For honoring mom’s wishes and being so poised. It was touching, I’m glad she said I did well even if it was bullshit. I wish you got visitation for a little while after someone dies, I really need to talk with my mom. I can’t cope. I’m going through the motions, staying busy and trying to forget but I just don’t want to live without my mom.

One Month

One month ago today, I lost my most important role model and my best friend. My mom was my best friend for years. She was my other half, at times we switched up who was the better half but she was mine. Over the past 5 years I have been slowly becoming my mom’s parent more than her daughter, but she was always my mom even if I was the one bossing her around. We were so similar on some things and so opposite on other things but we fit. We’ve always been buddies, well minus those two years I was a teenage asshole. My mom has always had my back, she was there the day I got married, she was there for the birth of both my children, she was there when my dad died, even though she was doing her own mourning. I clearly knew my mom was dying but I didn’t really believe it was actually happening. I had somehow tricked myself partially into believing she would get better, but she didn’t. I’ve lost a piece of myself I have a huge hole in my soul and in my heart. Nothing will ever fill that hole again. I am lost and empty. Everyone has gone home (my family, Karl’s parents are still here)… tomorrow we will finish cleaning out mom’s house, then I’ll call the lady and let her know she can pay me and move in. I’m beyond broken. I KNOW my mom’s dead, but I just can’t believe my mom’s dead. I want to see her, I hurt, my chest literally hurts like it’s never hurt before. I’m fucked up.

I watched my mom die

I moved my mother to my house on April 18th and spent the next few days taking care of her, barely leaving her side and watching her die. I was with her when she died in my bedroom. I was standing right beside her as her last breath escaped her body, she was finally able to fully exhale just four days later on April 21st. I’m glad I could be there for her but I’ll never forget seeing her die right before my eyes. It was horrific, the way it ended….she deserved better.