I want to hide.

I did  it, I went dancing. It was ok. It was mainly older people. No one there was even close to my age, which was ok. Did I have fun? I wouldn’t say it was fun but it wasn’t horrible. Maybe it was fun and I don’t even know what fun is. But it was a LOT of touching strangers, kisses on the cheek and lips… hand holding, just a lot out of my comfort zone. The man comes to the table, puts out his hand, leads you to the floor, you dance, they hug and kiss you, then thank you, holds your hand back to the table. Just a lot of touching. I also felt extremely stupid messing up the incredibly easy steps.

Now though I feel trapped. I know they will ask me to go again and a person can only say no so many times, specially when no is one of the hardest words to say.

I was exhausted when I woke up and dreamt weird dreams most of the night. But then I also had incredibly weird dreams the night before too. My fitbit tells me I dreamt for a little over 3 hours the night before and last night was about 2½ hours of dreams. That is a lot of dreams. Weird ones, rescuing people, running from people…. being lost, not being able to find my way out of places, being trapped.

I will probably spend the next few days avoiding these people. I laughed to much, I opened up to much. I said “my mom” too much and overall I just felt too much.

I can’t explain how trapped I feel and how I want to revert to not talking to anyone because then they want you to talk more. I’ve always said I didn’t want friends because being a decent friend is always a lot of work and you have to be there for then when you don’t want to or don’t have the energy to. I used to say that as a comfort for myself I think but it really is somewhat true.

I’ve always loved my online friends because they aren’t nearby, they can’t just make random demands of me. I feel vulnerable now, exposed and overwhelmed.

I want to hide but I want to live. So conflicted. I don’t know what I want.

Silent Treatment.

I am worthless

I am currently being given the silent treatment by  “the child” I called him out on something and he shut me right down. I believe he lied to me as well. But then I became almost obsessed with needing an answer or reply.  This was a couple of day ago and today I am less fixated on him. I still checked messenger too many times and am still bothered that he hasn’t reached out. I don’t understand why I am like that… I don’t like it,

I used to get so bothered when my husband gave me the silent treatment. I have never liked silence during an argument and he knew that. He would sit there staring at me. It unnerves me.


Took a nap today,  woke up crying. In the dream my mom had died, I planned her memorial and no one came. I had her ashes sitting on the bar and everyone (random people I didn’t know) kept telling me it was no big deal. I kept screaming at people to shut up and leave me alone because it was a big deal,  it was a huge freaking deal. I had let her down. Just like I’d done in real life.

I feel my heart sinking.

I’m right back there. Thoughts overwhelming my brain. Tears trying to escape. I want to scream. Stomp my feet. Throw hissy fit.

I want my mom back! I WANT MY MOM BACK!

This was the day I brought my mom to my house. I made my bed with her sheets and bedspread, so she’d feel at home. When she asked, “where am I?” I said well who’s bed does it look like you’re in? It felt good when she said “mine.”

I miss her. I long to hear her voice or feel her hand in mine.


Today is my daughter’s birthday. Should be a good day and I will do my best to make it so. I hadn’t bought her a card so I went to my  mom’s stash and there among the many different cards was my son’s graduation card. Mom was always prepared. She had a book, each page was a month and it had little pockets in it. She had birthday cards placed in the pockets for upcoming birthdays. March and April were empty pockets because we’d just done those birthdays and she had yet to refill them. But every other month still had cards. May had a card for Linda but not one for me. Mom would have snuck to the store to buy me a special card, because I was special to her. I looked at the cards in the pockets picked out for all those she loved, the granddaughters, grandsons, great granddaughters and great grandsons. Cards for her sons, daughter-in-laws, daughters and son-in-laws, nieces, nephews and some special friends. They each had a spot in her book. She never missed a birthday and all the little kids always got valentine, Easter, Halloween dollar bills in little cards too.

I thought about giving my daughter her birthday card from my mom but I didn’t want to make her sad on her birthday. I think I’ll save it because one day I might have a special granddaughter to give it to. I wish mom could have made it one more year to see my son turn 18, help me make graduation announcements together like we did with my daughter and to watch my son graduate. I know people will say, she’s watching it all from heaven but that doesn’t work for me. In fact I kind of hate it. She will be in all of our thoughts though and she’ll be in my heart as well.

I miss you mom….


I’m struggling with my mom today, well last night too. I’m so mad, frustrated, upset that I didn’t communicate with her before she died just how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. I didn’t tell her how much I was going to miss her. Why didn’t I do that? I KNEW she was dying, how stupid of me not to tell her those things. I’m little bit upset with her for not saying good bye. She knew, she was telling people and giving her things away but she didn’t like stop me and wake me up to what was really happening.  I wrote on facebook almost an entire week before she died that she was dying but I didn’t accept it? I know she knew those things, but I so wish I would have told her. It feels some completely weird to have literally watched my mom die and to have not done anything to stop it. Why didn’t we stop it? Because it was what she wanted but holy crap, it so sucks. It’s not what I wanted. I wanted her with me.

My mother, my friend, my balance

When my mother was dying I knew it was happening but I somehow didn’t accept it. So when she died within a couple of weeks I was shocked and unprepared. Not that a person can ever be prepared for the death of a loved one.

My mom was something special to me. Like no other person in the world. I love her like I love no other. We were partners in crime, we were equals, we were like each others halves. She was my better half, smarter, knew how to do so many things so well. I was her better half, patient and kinder. We became a team and we were tight.

Not having my mom around means I don’t have a part of myself around. There is a giant hole in my heart and I don’t even know how to be me. Who am I without my other half, who am I without my mom. My mom was my last adult connection. She kept me stable and I knew as long as I had my mom I would always be safe. Now I’m lost and vulnerable. I am also filled with regret and disappointment.

I lost my mom on April 21, 2017. I literally watched my mother die in my home, in my bed and it was the worst day of my life. It’s been almost 5 months since I lost my mom and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to completely move on. I miss her every day and I miss her more and more as each day passes. I rarely went more than a couple days without talking to her and never more than 3-4 days without seeing her. Each day that passes reminds me how much I miss her. I long to hear her voice, to see her happy face when I walked into her house.

My mom loved me more than any other person ever could. No matter what I did, my mom always loved me and though I was wonderful. I can’t yet even begin to think how I will ever get through the next 30-40 years without her. The sun still shines everyday but it just isn’t as bright or as warm as it once was. Life still goes on, but it feels muted and dull without my mom. I still laugh but it’s empty without my mom.

My mom was a wonderful person, not without faults but wonderful in spite of her faults. I am who I am today because of my mom. I am a lot like my mom and that’s a good thing. Shortly before my mom died I told her that I was a lot like her, she apologized and said “I’m sorry about that.” I told her I wouldn’t want to be like anyone else and I was glad I was like her.

Each and every day I wake up without my mom is like a slow death of my own. I will always miss my mom but possibly someday it won’t hurt as much.