I watched my mom die

I moved my mother to my house on April 18th and spent the next few days taking care of her, barely leaving her side and watching her die. I was with her when she died in my bedroom. I was standing right beside her as her last breath escaped her body, she was finally able to fully exhale just four days later on April 21st. I’m glad I could be there for her but I’ll never forget seeing her die right before my eyes. It was horrific, the way it ended….she deserved better.

Dreams

I rarely dream, today I took a nap and dreamt that I was at my sister’s house for the memorial but it was my brother’s hallway and I saw the back of my mom pushing this box down the hallway. In the dream I actually rubbed my eyes like “is this true? Is she here,” then woke up and it took me a couple of minutes to come to terms that it wasn’t real. Two weeks ago yesterday, I lost her. My sister says she came to visit me and show me she was taking her “things”. My sister asked what do you think was in the box? I said her memories. I’ve never felt more alone.

Five days

It has only been 5 days, but it feels like forever. I keep thinking who can I turn to, but the only answer is my mom. I think who can fix this, but the only answer is my mom. I told her I’d be ok and she could rest but I didn’t really mean it. Last night the image of her at the time of her death flashed into my mind and it felt like someone punched me in the chest. I hurt so much, I just want her back. She’s all I had left, she was a part of me…

Funeral Home

Did the funeral home thing. Signed mom’s life away. Such a scam that business. Original quote 3650, actual price 6750. There will still be other costs too. Mom would be upset. Her friends keep calling me, its nice but not. Picked out flowers but went to the wrong place so I’ll do that again tomorrow. Asked family to post pictures or share some have. I’m jealous of the ones with weddings and graduations that we’ll not have. I’m feeling pushed out, I don’t know why. I didn’t cry today. I miss her, so very much. I don’t want people touching or taking her stuff, silly.

This can’t be happening.

1:55am I need sleep, more than 30 minutes to an hour sleep and somewhere other than a recliner or the floor. My people are helpful but not enough. I’m tired.

4:45am – Ashlee and Antone sat with mom, I slept for a while, next to her, Then she started getting sick. Weird kind of sick…

10:05 am – the nurse was here. She asked if I had read this page.

This can’t be real. She’s going to get better.

 

Today is my brothers birthday…

 

7:20 pm – Mom was able to see her kids today, through Skype or in person. I believe it brought her peace. I hope my dad is with her now and he will be helping her cross into heaven soon so they can be together again. She’s been my best friend and I’ll miss her every day. I love you forever momma

8:30 pm – She took a pause in her breathing, she said, “is that how you do it? Am I gone? Honey, you’ve got to call an official.” Earlier she told Ashlee she better get the law out here because she didn’t want us getting blamed.

 

11:25 pm This is torture, I don’t want to let her go. I know I have to, I want her suffering to end, I know she’s tired but she’s MINE and I still NEED her. She sleeping, I should be too but the tears just run. I can’t… it is too much

 

 

5 am

5:10 am – can’t sleep. I play out these scenarios. I need to get a picture, one more picture of her and I. We picked out her flowers yesterday and made a list of people she’d like to know. I can’t imagine the calls…Is this the morning I go over and she’s not alive? Please when the time comes, don’t say what a blessing….

 

9:15 am – She was sitting up at her table when I came in. The table was moved as if she’d crashed into it. She’d been throwing up. She wanted to call but didn’t know how. Our plan is to move her to my house today.

A visit

My brother and his family came to visit my mom this weekend. I was supposed to take the weekend off and breath. It didn’t work out that way, I could blame and others have but it doesn’t really matter. She wasn’t feeling well and didn’t get proper care so the nurse was called out, by me and I spent the entire weekend over there. Thankfully she’s feeling better tonight and more like herself. I’m tired, very tired, to the center of my being.