Piggy Bank

Do “things” hold meaning for you? Going through my mother’s things, I find so many “things” that hold meaning, have memories attached. I found a pill splitter, who cares about a pill cutter? But both Ashlee and I distinctly remember buying it for her when we brought her to our house after her heart surgery. I came across all her cross stitch stuff and lost my wits. You could almost always count on my mom sitting somewhere (her couch, the hospital, your couch, road trips) doing cross stitch. This piggy bank, I gave to my mom in 1997 when I worked at Hallmark (I was 17 years old). My mom loved him and filled him quite a bit full, someone robbed that money but the piggy stayed. She had planned to fill it and take a trip with it some day, maybe I’ll do the same. Behind her piggy is the purse I bought her for valentine’s day. I haven’t cleaned it out…. These things aren’t THINGS, they are pieces of my mom and they are everywhere. No one really understands the connection she and I had. She was a part of me and I a part of her. Tomorrow I’ll go to a butterfly release to celebrate my mom at Heart’n Home Hospice as the last grief counseling group. Friday will mark three months (13 weeks, 92 days) without my mom. It hasn’t gotten any easier for me, to live without her. 

Aprons

My mom ordered these aprons for mother’s day, before she died. She bought 5 of them and we were left to assume who they were for. Today while going through her paperwork, I found the order form. The purple one listed first had my name, then a black one with Linda’s name, a pink one for “me” (my mom) and blue one for Helen (her twin) and a multicolored one for her best friend Rose. Linda and I were the only ones who took one so I think I will mail Helen’s to her and I will hand deliver to Rose. The pink one that was for mom, I’ll keep. Today has been rough. I called creditors to close her accounts, they are real nice when you don’t owe them any money… There is only one account remaining open and it has credit/life so I’m just waiting for the paperwork. I miss my mom so much. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. I drive by her neighborhood ALL the time and it physically hurts. I see her smile on my profile photo and it’s a stab in my heart. I need her, want her… Can’t cope without her. I’m dying…just dying without her.

Regret

So tonight, I started making a new smorelike cookie bar thingie… I was going to use my mom’s mixer cause the boys ruined mine… then I was looking for brown sugar… I looked in one of mom’s canisters and there was flour….and her flour….sifter…. I always wanted one of those things because it’s what grown ups used but I never wanted to buy one. Hysterical…can’t breath….crying…then the marshmallow cream was hers and even some of the chocolate chips were hers. Oh mom… why can’t you be here with me?! Why did I waste so much time?! I’m so freaking stupid. I should have known better, I should have learned with my dad. How could I be that dumb?!

Sleep eludes me

Nighttime is hard. The days before she died play out like movies in vivid detail in my head. Did I do things right, was she comfortable, could I have done things different, did I do what she wanted? I wish I could talk with her, one more time… when I saw my aunt, my moms twin for the first time after my mom died, I crumbled, I fell to my knees and bawled. She sent me a thank you card today with a letter, telling me I had done a good job and thanking me for taking such good care of her sis. For honoring mom’s wishes and being so poised. It was touching, I’m glad she said I did well even if it was bullshit. I wish you got visitation for a little while after someone dies, I really need to talk with my mom. I can’t cope. I’m going through the motions, staying busy and trying to forget but I just don’t want to live without my mom.

Empty

Her house is empty of all that will be taken. It hurt to see it like that. WE thought the next time WE saw it that way would be when WE all moved together. I’m dying today. I want my mom.

One Month

One month ago today, I lost my most important role model and my best friend. My mom was my best friend for years. She was my other half, at times we switched up who was the better half but she was mine. Over the past 5 years I have been slowly becoming my mom’s parent more than her daughter, but she was always my mom even if I was the one bossing her around. We were so similar on some things and so opposite on other things but we fit. We’ve always been buddies, well minus those two years I was a teenage asshole. My mom has always had my back, she was there the day I got married, she was there for the birth of both my children, she was there when my dad died, even though she was doing her own mourning. I clearly knew my mom was dying but I didn’t really believe it was actually happening. I had somehow tricked myself partially into believing she would get better, but she didn’t. I’ve lost a piece of myself I have a huge hole in my soul and in my heart. Nothing will ever fill that hole again. I am lost and empty. Everyone has gone home (my family, Karl’s parents are still here)… tomorrow we will finish cleaning out mom’s house, then I’ll call the lady and let her know she can pay me and move in. I’m beyond broken. I KNOW my mom’s dead, but I just can’t believe my mom’s dead. I want to see her, I hurt, my chest literally hurts like it’s never hurt before. I’m fucked up.

Memorial

Memorial was lovely. Nice turn out. Her pictures were great and lots of people from her neighborhood came to the memorial and not the reception after. This hanging out here at her house is not fun, I don’t dig these people, I’m not like them.

Get out.

I’m overwhelmed. Too many people touching everything, acting like everything is normal. I can’t cope, I want them to get out of my mom’s house. Everyone playing cards acting like it’s normal. My mom’s not here, so get out of her house.Laughing, they are all laughing like it’s normal. Finally, today’s over, I was a basket case. I should never drink. Ugh, I’m not doing well. I want them all gone.

Unreal

My brother doesn’t want any of mom’s stuff, sister can’t really take any, extended family will be over Friday to “pick” through her things…. Originally my sister wanted to donate it all, mom would hate that so I’m going to have a garage sale which I’ll hate but mom will love. Almost all day yesterday my sister talked about my husband and what a piece he is…. I’m fucked up, beyond messed up. I’m drowning in sorrow for my mom and my old life. I don’t know what to do or where to turn. Dropped off all my mom’s clothes at Idaho Youth Ranch… she’d be mad. Had dinner with brother and sister tonight. When I first got to the house they fixed me a drink (not my kinda thing but we toasted mom) then everyone cried periodically…. Tomorrow we meet with mom’s stock guy, then in the afternoon, everyone (mom’s twin and her husband, their two children, my Boise sister and her kids and grandkids, my sister and her two kids and her grandson and my kids and I) will meet up and visit and have dinner. Karl’s parents will be here as well but they are not coming to dinner, and Karl isn’t sure what he’s going to do yet…. I’m exhausted, then the memorial, the reception after… everyone will go home and …then I’ll price all my mom’s remaining stuff and have a garage sale and then… the … end.