She cannot see that at times, she is just like he. It is rare that a day goes by that she does not complain about one thing or another. It seems almost every day there is an unexplained pain, illness, attack or other such problem. I do acknowledge when the mind is unhealthy so is the body.

I used to think there was always so  much drama with him, there was always something or someone, causing issues. But now I know he loved the drama, it fueled him. He pushes buttons to cause drama. She doesn’t push buttons but she sure does have a lot of drama around her. And for me, I just want peace… no drama.

I am feeling very defeated. The light at the end of the tunnel is weak and barely visible. I was driving last night to the store and it just hit me, like a punch to the chest, how very much I miss my mom. I would just like to hug her, see her beautiful smile and talk for a few moments.

When this happens, I often can’t breathe properly and feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. Tears stream down my face uncontrolled. At times I think I should remove her from my things, my walgreens app, my phone, my internet mail… but then I can’t. Her purse is still just as it was. My sister would have already gotten rid of it. Is it a feeling of betrayal or do I just like seeing her face? Is it that I may forget her or is it a form of punishment towards myself? I don’t know. I just know I miss her so very much.

I noticed today how often I just ignore, tune out, disassociate the things I don’t want to deal with, the things I don’t want to hear. When two people are acting like fools and only worrying about themselves and I know they want me to pick a side or interject, but I turn them off. When things get hard, I turn them off. If only I could turn my brain off.


I’m struggling with my mom today, well last night too. I’m so mad, frustrated, upset that I didn’t communicate with her before she died just how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. I didn’t tell her how much I was going to miss her. Why didn’t I do that? I KNEW she was dying, how stupid of me not to tell her those things. I’m little bit upset with her for not saying good bye. She knew, she was telling people and giving her things away but she didn’t like stop me and wake me up to what was really happening.  I wrote on facebook almost an entire week before she died that she was dying but I didn’t accept it? I know she knew those things, but I so wish I would have told her. It feels some completely weird to have literally watched my mom die and to have not done anything to stop it. Why didn’t we stop it? Because it was what she wanted but holy crap, it so sucks. It’s not what I wanted. I wanted her with me.

My mother, my friend, my balance

When my mother was dying I knew it was happening but I somehow didn’t accept it. So when she died within a couple of weeks I was shocked and unprepared. Not that a person can ever be prepared for the death of a loved one.

My mom was something special to me. Like no other person in the world. I love her like I love no other. We were partners in crime, we were equals, we were like each others halves. She was my better half, smarter, knew how to do so many things so well. I was her better half, patient and kinder. We became a team and we were tight.

Not having my mom around means I don’t have a part of myself around. There is a giant hole in my heart and I don’t even know how to be me. Who am I without my other half, who am I without my mom. My mom was my last adult connection. She kept me stable and I knew as long as I had my mom I would always be safe. Now I’m lost and vulnerable. I am also filled with regret and disappointment.

I lost my mom on April 21, 2017. I literally watched my mother die in my home, in my bed and it was the worst day of my life. It’s been almost 5 months since I lost my mom and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to completely move on. I miss her every day and I miss her more and more as each day passes. I rarely went more than a couple days without talking to her and never more than 3-4 days without seeing her. Each day that passes reminds me how much I miss her. I long to hear her voice, to see her happy face when I walked into her house.

My mom loved me more than any other person ever could. No matter what I did, my mom always loved me and though I was wonderful. I can’t yet even begin to think how I will ever get through the next 30-40 years without her. The sun still shines everyday but it just isn’t as bright or as warm as it once was. Life still goes on, but it feels muted and dull without my mom. I still laugh but it’s empty without my mom.

My mom was a wonderful person, not without faults but wonderful in spite of her faults. I am who I am today because of my mom. I am a lot like my mom and that’s a good thing. Shortly before my mom died I told her that I was a lot like her, she apologized and said “I’m sorry about that.” I told her I wouldn’t want to be like anyone else and I was glad I was like her.

Each and every day I wake up without my mom is like a slow death of my own. I will always miss my mom but possibly someday it won’t hurt as much.


Four months


Four months ago, I watched my mom die. I miss her terribly and think of her daily. I have panic attacks when I think of never seeing her again. I see her face in my mind and long to talk to her, to touch her, hug her and laugh with her. Somedays, I go through the motions of living but most days I just exist. Living without my mom is the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever done. Most of the time it doesn’t seem worth it. I hold on, push forward and think of my children. Please don’t comment if it isn’t helpful. I’m only making this public so everyone truly knows what I’m feeling. When someone dies, everyone shows up, within days people tend to start leaning away. Within weeks almost everyone has disappeared and you’re left alone to suffer. Losing my mom didn’t go away, the pain hasn’t lessened and the hole in my heart continues to grow. The sun still shines without my mom, but like today’s eclipse it’s a weird kind of light, dull, colorless, lacking warmth and not at all bright.

This plant

My mom had this plant that a friend had given to her when she had heart surgery. The plant had been struggling the last 6 months or so of my mom’s life. I brought that plant home and I did everything I could to keep it alive but it died, just like my mom. It’s symbolic I did everything I could keep my mom alive and I couldn’t, just like I couldn’t keep that plant alive. The plant given to my mom when my father died I have been able to keep alive for almost 30 years. I’m going to replace my mom’s plant, with something. In her memory..