Took a nap today, woke up crying. In the dream my mom had died, I planned her memorial and no one came. I had her ashes sitting on the bar and everyone (random people I didn’t know) kept telling me it was no big deal. I kept screaming at people to shut up and leave me alone because it was a big deal, it was a huge freaking deal. I had let her down. Just like I’d done in real life.
I drove by my mom’s after therapy today… I hadn’t planned on it. The route so familiar the car seemed to glide on its own, around the corner, left turn onto the back road and then turned right into her neighborhood. Her house looked exactly the same. The flower pots we didn’t take, sitting in the same place… the iris were overly tall. Mom would have cut them down by now… her purplish/pink trailer looked just like she’d left it. Her neighbors still living in their homes, lives unchanged… If only I could have stopped in and seen my mom.
This evening, I found my old blog and started looking at old entries. It was just like I told Melanie, the same shit I deal with now, I dealt with over 14 years ago. When I last wrote it was right after my mom’s mom had died and then shortly after that my mom’s companion died… such a sad time. It was just a year later mom would come to live in Idaho to be close to me and my kids. Memory lane such a twisted path… I don’t want to forget but I don’t want to remember. Sometimes I still just can’t or maybe don’t want to believe I’ll never see my mom again. Not in this life… how can I go on without out her?
My mom and I were best friends, partners in crime, gigglers and she loved me like no one else has ever or will ever love me.
I’m right back there. Thoughts overwhelming my brain. Tears trying to escape. I want to scream. Stomp my feet. Throw hissy fit.
I want my mom back! I WANT MY MOM BACK!
This was the day I brought my mom to my house. I made my bed with her sheets and bedspread, so she’d feel at home. When she asked, “where am I?” I said well who’s bed does it look like you’re in? It felt good when she said “mine.”
I miss her. I long to hear her voice or feel her hand in mine.
Today is my daughter’s birthday. Should be a good day and I will do my best to make it so. I hadn’t bought her a card so I went to my mom’s stash and there among the many different cards was my son’s graduation card. Mom was always prepared. She had a book, each page was a month and it had little pockets in it. She had birthday cards placed in the pockets for upcoming birthdays. March and April were empty pockets because we’d just done those birthdays and she had yet to refill them. But every other month still had cards. May had a card for Linda but not one for me. Mom would have snuck to the store to buy me a special card, because I was special to her. I looked at the cards in the pockets picked out for all those she loved, the granddaughters, grandsons, great granddaughters and great grandsons. Cards for her sons, daughter-in-laws, daughters and son-in-laws, nieces, nephews and some special friends. They each had a spot in her book. She never missed a birthday and all the little kids always got valentine, Easter, Halloween dollar bills in little cards too.
I thought about giving my daughter her birthday card from my mom but I didn’t want to make her sad on her birthday. I think I’ll save it because one day I might have a special granddaughter to give it to. I wish mom could have made it one more year to see my son turn 18, help me make graduation announcements together like we did with my daughter and to watch my son graduate. I know people will say, she’s watching it all from heaven but that doesn’t work for me. In fact I kind of hate it. She will be in all of our thoughts though and she’ll be in my heart as well.
I miss you mom….