One Month

One month ago today, I lost my most important role model and my best friend. My mom was my best friend for years. She was my other half, at times we switched up who was the better half but she was mine. Over the past 5 years I have been slowly becoming my mom’s parent more than her daughter, but she was always my mom even if I was the one bossing her around. We were so similar on some things and so opposite on other things but we fit. We’ve always been buddies, well minus those two years I was a teenage asshole. My mom has always had my back, she was there the day I got married, she was there for the birth of both my children, she was there when my dad died, even though she was doing her own mourning. I clearly knew my mom was dying but I didn’t really believe it was actually happening. I had somehow tricked myself partially into believing she would get better, but she didn’t. I’ve lost a piece of myself I have a huge hole in my soul and in my heart. Nothing will ever fill that hole again. I am lost and empty. Everyone has gone home (my family, Karl’s parents are still here)… tomorrow we will finish cleaning out mom’s house, then I’ll call the lady and let her know she can pay me and move in. I’m beyond broken. I KNOW my mom’s dead, but I just can’t believe my mom’s dead. I want to see her, I hurt, my chest literally hurts like it’s never hurt before. I’m fucked up.

Memorial

Memorial was lovely. Nice turn out. Her pictures were great and lots of people from her neighborhood came to the memorial and not the reception after. This hanging out here at her house is not fun, I don’t dig these people, I’m not like them.

Get out.

I’m overwhelmed. Too many people touching everything, acting like everything is normal. I can’t cope, I want them to get out of my mom’s house. Everyone playing cards acting like it’s normal. My mom’s not here, so get out of her house.Laughing, they are all laughing like it’s normal. Finally, today’s over, I was a basket case. I should never drink. Ugh, I’m not doing well. I want them all gone.

Penelope

This little girl reminds me of my mom, because she loved my mom so much. The Christmas eve Penelope came to be ours my mom was spending the night. They bonded and became bestest buds. I’d take Penny to my moms house and she’d run through the house looking for grandma, then when she’d see grandma she’d waggle her little body so much, she’d fall over and tinkle. Mom had toys at her house for Penelope and she’d always get them out and take them to grandma to play with. When Penelope had to have her emergency c-section, mom paid for it and never wanted to be repaid. Mom wasn’t the dog lover I was so we had been locking them out of the room while mom was here. The night before mom died, Penny cried to be let in and she stayed with me all night in the recliner to be with grandma and I. When mom died, we let Penny smell her so she’d know. Mom called her “Penny Candy” cause she was so tiny and so sweet.

 

My sister will be here tomorrow. We’ve got a review on our food stamps, but after that I’ll put mom’s van in my name, close her savings and transfer her money to a separate account. We hope to go through all mom’s personal things tomorrow and Tuesday. We’ll start boxing stuff up that mom wanted people to have. Wednesday we’ll meet with the chaplin again. Thursday my brother and his family will be here, along with my sister’s daughter as well as my mom’s twin and her kids. Friday my in-laws and my sister’s son comes. Friday night we’ll all get together at mom’s for a meal (26ish of us). Then Saturday is the memorial at the funeral home and a reception after at moms. Everyone goes home on Sunday except Karl’s parents…. Then it’ll be all over…. I’ll finish up any last minute house stuff, contact the buyer and never go back

 

Today was difficult. My family has never done much in regards to mother’s day (I think it tends to be something kids are taught by dad’s and Karl’s never done anything) so for me mother’s day was always about my mom. I stayed busy getting my house ready for my inlaws, but once I stopped…. man, I miss her. I want to go to her house and have her be there. I want just a little more time. I still can’t believe she’s gone, I mean I know she’s gone but…. I want my mom

Sleep

I can’t sleep, I’ve just replayed every minute of every day from Easter to the day my mom died. I need to be sleeping, Karl’s got an mri and some injections tomorrow early. That’s actually what started my thinking was that we’d be right by the hospital… I took my mom’s glasses back yesterday for a refund, she’d only had them for a week. They gave me a store credit so now I can go get glasses that I wouldn’t have been able to afford before. That’d make mom happy. It feels like once her memorial is over, she’ll really be gone… Then my new “normal” will start, I’d like my old normal back please….

Hole

My mom was such a huge part of my life and I’ve got this giant hole. I see her sweet smiling face in my profile photo and I want to call her or go to her house to see her. Then I remember I can’t. I turned off her phone today and canceled her car insurance. I feel like I’m going through the motions of living but I’m dying. I bought my son slacks and a nice purple button up for him to wear to her memorial. He looks so handsome, my mom would love it. I also got a pretty flowered shirt for myself, she’d love it as well. We’re not wearing all black, she’d rather have pastels. I can’t even think of her without my chest hurting. I just want her back….

Just like you

Everywhere I look I see touches of you. There are parts of you in every room of my house and parts of me in the rooms of your house. We were so interconnected, so alike, you and I. I told her one night recently that I was so much like her, she said, “I know I’m sorry about that.” Nope, I’m glad I’m like you, cause you’re amazing. Knowing how much she missed my dad and imagining how much he missed her, I hope there is heaven and they’re together.

Five days

It has only been 5 days, but it feels like forever. I keep thinking who can I turn to, but the only answer is my mom. I think who can fix this, but the only answer is my mom. I told her I’d be ok and she could rest but I didn’t really mean it. Last night the image of her at the time of her death flashed into my mind and it felt like someone punched me in the chest. I hurt so much, I just want her back. She’s all I had left, she was a part of me…