I feel my heart sinking.


I’m right back there. Thoughts overwhelming my brain. Tears trying to escape. I want to scream. Stomp my feet. Throw hissy fit.

I want my mom back! I WANT MY MOM BACK!

This was the day I brought my mom to my house. I made my bed with her sheets and bedspread, so she’d feel at home. When she asked, “where am I?” I said well who’s bed does it look like you’re in? It felt good when she said “mine.”

I miss her. I long to hear her voice or feel her hand in mine.

Reminders

Today is my daughter’s birthday. Should be a good day and I will do my best to make it so. I hadn’t bought her a card so I went to my  mom’s stash and there among the many different cards was my son’s graduation card. Mom was always prepared. She had a book, each page was a month and it had little pockets in it. She had birthday cards placed in the pockets for upcoming birthdays. March and April were empty pockets because we’d just done those birthdays and she had yet to refill them. But every other month still had cards. May had a card for Linda but not one for me. Mom would have snuck to the store to buy me a special card, because I was special to her. I looked at the cards in the pockets picked out for all those she loved, the granddaughters, grandsons, great granddaughters and great grandsons. Cards for her sons, daughter-in-laws, daughters and son-in-laws, nieces, nephews and some special friends. They each had a spot in her book. She never missed a birthday and all the little kids always got valentine, Easter, Halloween dollar bills in little cards too.

I thought about giving my daughter her birthday card from my mom but I didn’t want to make her sad on her birthday. I think I’ll save it because one day I might have a special granddaughter to give it to. I wish mom could have made it one more year to see my son turn 18, help me make graduation announcements together like we did with my daughter and to watch my son graduate. I know people will say, she’s watching it all from heaven but that doesn’t work for me. In fact I kind of hate it. She will be in all of our thoughts though and she’ll be in my heart as well.

I miss you mom….

Faded

She cannot see that at times, she is just like he. It is rare that a day goes by that she does not complain about one thing or another. It seems almost every day there is an unexplained pain, illness, attack or other such problem. I do acknowledge when the mind is unhealthy so is the body.

I used to think there was always so  much drama with him, there was always something or someone, causing issues. But now I know he loved the drama, it fueled him. He pushes buttons to cause drama. She doesn’t push buttons but she sure does have a lot of drama around her. And for me, I just want peace… no drama.

I am feeling very defeated. The light at the end of the tunnel is weak and barely visible. I was driving last night to the store and it just hit me, like a punch to the chest, how very much I miss my mom. I would just like to hug her, see her beautiful smile and talk for a few moments.

When this happens, I often can’t breathe properly and feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. Tears stream down my face uncontrolled. At times I think I should remove her from my things, my walgreens app, my phone, my internet mail… but then I can’t. Her purse is still just as it was. My sister would have already gotten rid of it. Is it a feeling of betrayal or do I just like seeing her face? Is it that I may forget her or is it a form of punishment towards myself? I don’t know. I just know I miss her so very much.

I noticed today how often I just ignore, tune out, disassociate the things I don’t want to deal with, the things I don’t want to hear. When two people are acting like fools and only worrying about themselves and I know they want me to pick a side or interject, but I turn them off. When things get hard, I turn them off. If only I could turn my brain off.

Empty

Her house is empty of all that will be taken. It hurt to see it like that. WE thought the next time WE saw it that way would be when WE all moved together. I’m dying today. I want my mom.

One Month

One month ago today, I lost my most important role model and my best friend. My mom was my best friend for years. She was my other half, at times we switched up who was the better half but she was mine. Over the past 5 years I have been slowly becoming my mom’s parent more than her daughter, but she was always my mom even if I was the one bossing her around. We were so similar on some things and so opposite on other things but we fit. We’ve always been buddies, well minus those two years I was a teenage asshole. My mom has always had my back, she was there the day I got married, she was there for the birth of both my children, she was there when my dad died, even though she was doing her own mourning. I clearly knew my mom was dying but I didn’t really believe it was actually happening. I had somehow tricked myself partially into believing she would get better, but she didn’t. I’ve lost a piece of myself I have a huge hole in my soul and in my heart. Nothing will ever fill that hole again. I am lost and empty. Everyone has gone home (my family, Karl’s parents are still here)… tomorrow we will finish cleaning out mom’s house, then I’ll call the lady and let her know she can pay me and move in. I’m beyond broken. I KNOW my mom’s dead, but I just can’t believe my mom’s dead. I want to see her, I hurt, my chest literally hurts like it’s never hurt before. I’m fucked up.

Memorial

Memorial was lovely. Nice turn out. Her pictures were great and lots of people from her neighborhood came to the memorial and not the reception after. This hanging out here at her house is not fun, I don’t dig these people, I’m not like them.

Get out.

I’m overwhelmed. Too many people touching everything, acting like everything is normal. I can’t cope, I want them to get out of my mom’s house. Everyone playing cards acting like it’s normal. My mom’s not here, so get out of her house.Laughing, they are all laughing like it’s normal. Finally, today’s over, I was a basket case. I should never drink. Ugh, I’m not doing well. I want them all gone.

Penelope

This little girl reminds me of my mom, because she loved my mom so much. The Christmas eve Penelope came to be ours my mom was spending the night. They bonded and became bestest buds. I’d take Penny to my moms house and she’d run through the house looking for grandma, then when she’d see grandma she’d waggle her little body so much, she’d fall over and tinkle. Mom had toys at her house for Penelope and she’d always get them out and take them to grandma to play with. When Penelope had to have her emergency c-section, mom paid for it and never wanted to be repaid. Mom wasn’t the dog lover I was so we had been locking them out of the room while mom was here. The night before mom died, Penny cried to be let in and she stayed with me all night in the recliner to be with grandma and I. When mom died, we let Penny smell her so she’d know. Mom called her “Penny Candy” cause she was so tiny and so sweet.

 

My sister will be here tomorrow. We’ve got a review on our food stamps, but after that I’ll put mom’s van in my name, close her savings and transfer her money to a separate account. We hope to go through all mom’s personal things tomorrow and Tuesday. We’ll start boxing stuff up that mom wanted people to have. Wednesday we’ll meet with the chaplin again. Thursday my brother and his family will be here, along with my sister’s daughter as well as my mom’s twin and her kids. Friday my in-laws and my sister’s son comes. Friday night we’ll all get together at mom’s for a meal (26ish of us). Then Saturday is the memorial at the funeral home and a reception after at moms. Everyone goes home on Sunday except Karl’s parents…. Then it’ll be all over…. I’ll finish up any last minute house stuff, contact the buyer and never go back

 

Today was difficult. My family has never done much in regards to mother’s day (I think it tends to be something kids are taught by dad’s and Karl’s never done anything) so for me mother’s day was always about my mom. I stayed busy getting my house ready for my inlaws, but once I stopped…. man, I miss her. I want to go to her house and have her be there. I want just a little more time. I still can’t believe she’s gone, I mean I know she’s gone but…. I want my mom