It’s ok, I’m used to it.


Being with a selfish person can slowly make you distrust yourself and become a stranger to who you once were. You don’t want to lose them, but a part of you knows that you are losing yourself to keep them by your side. This is how a selfish partner can drain your soul.

1. They make you question your self-worth
A selfish partner is often so self-obsessed that you become a means to an end. When they don’t get what they want, they attack your self-esteem and make you doubt yourself.

2. They make guilt your constant companion
When you are with your partner, it doesn’t feel as fun and happy as before. You are constantly battling guilt, either for doing what you want or simply feeling the things couple feel and expect from each other.

3. They rob you of your spontaneity
A selfish person who uses guilt or anger to control you makes you overly cautious. You don’t say what you feel or allow yourself to be free. You pick your words and walk on eggshells, which kills that part of you that is free-spirited and in love with life.

4. They confuse love with sacrifice
Every time you say no to a selfish partner, they make you feel like a horrible person. Love doesn’t demand that you give up who you are. Sacrifice leads to resentment, especially if it is always one person giving up their needs.

5. They make it YOU vs. LOVE
Almost all arguments end in you having to choose between being who you truly are and loving them. True love encourages you to be who you are and become a better version of yourself.

6. You learn to put your needs second
This is by far the most dangerous of ill-effects. You adapt to your partner’s whims and fancies that you stop doing things for yourself that are important. This even impacts basic needs like going to sleep on time, getting enough rest, eating on time, getting time alone to unwind, etc.

7. You begin to disregard your own feelings
You first stop expressing your feelings to your partner openly. Then you begin to judge your emotions as silly or dramatic (which is what your partner wants you to believe). Then you lose touch with your feelings and don’t know what you feel anymore.

8. They lie or hurt you and blame you for it
If they are caught lying or found to be doing something that hurts you, they turn the table and makes it seem like you were responsible for it. Apart from the pain caused by them, you also end up feeling guilty for something you didn’t do.

9. You end up being the emotional caretaker
Selfish people are not always aggressive. They also come in the form of weak, dependent partners who refuse to grow up and take responsibility for themselves. They seem to have a banner above that says “poor me, what will I do if you don’t help me?”

10. You end up with scars for life
Being with a selfish partner for long can have a big impact on your self-esteem and emotional health. You often end up carrying so much baggage and doubting your own worth that it’s hard for you to be vulnerable with others.

11. They strip away your trust in people
Because of their constant need to be right and their lack of empathy for others, they end up making you lose trust in people. You take a lot of time to open up and wonder if someone is genuine or acting nice with a secret agenda.

12. You don’t laugh as much anymore
A selfish partner who uses emotional manipulation can make you lose your innate joy. You find yourself being exhausted or tired. You barely break into a giggle, let alone have a deep belly laugh.

I am nothing.

Somewhere in my life i got the impression that if i made the people i love a priority, made them special,  made them matter, then I too would matter,  be special or become a priority.  But I was wrong at the end of the day,  I only matter when they want, for what I can do, bring, offer. I am so easily discounted, toss aside, discarded when something or  someone better comes along.

She’ll always be there,  no matter how much we neglect her, no matter how rudely we speak to her, no matter how much we take advantage or expect from her,  she’ll be there.

Tired.

I think the most common phrase that comes out of my mouth is .. I’m tired. I am tired, but more often than being sleepy type of tired… I’m tired of being me. I’m tired of being asked “how are you?” you don’t really care to know the truth. Who gives a fuck how I am anyway? I’m tired of lying and I’m tired of you pretending to care. You don’t care. Quit asking. I’m tired of worrying about everyone else, tired of caring about anyone else. I just want to take care of me.

I can completely understand why my mom checked out. Being the least important thing in the world is tiring. Sorry, you have to go to the Dr with me, no you’re  not. Sorry I don’t help out more. No, you’re not. Sorry, I didn’t do it on my own. No, you’re not. Sorry, you had to help with that… No, you’re not. If you were sorry or you felt bad you would make an effort to change. But it is comfortable to be lazy. Each and every one of you is comfortable being lazy.

My sister exercises and works out. I cheered her on, way to go with your bad self. She said, I don’t want to have a heart attack.

I thought, I do, I just hope it kills me.

Of course I couldn’t say that… that opens my life for discussion and honestly, I don’t want to talk about it.