Aprons

My mom ordered these aprons for mother’s day, before she died. She bought 5 of them and we were left to assume who they were for. Today while going through her paperwork, I found the order form. The purple one listed first had my name, then a black one with Linda’s name, a pink one for “me” (my mom) and blue one for Helen (her twin) and a multicolored one for her best friend Rose. Linda and I were the only ones who took one so I think I will mail Helen’s to her and I will hand deliver to Rose. The pink one that was for mom, I’ll keep. Today has been rough. I called creditors to close her accounts, they are real nice when you don’t owe them any money… There is only one account remaining open and it has credit/life so I’m just waiting for the paperwork. I miss my mom so much. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. I drive by her neighborhood ALL the time and it physically hurts. I see her smile on my profile photo and it’s a stab in my heart. I need her, want her… Can’t cope without her. I’m dying…just dying without her.

Unreal

My brother doesn’t want any of mom’s stuff, sister can’t really take any, extended family will be over Friday to “pick” through her things…. Originally my sister wanted to donate it all, mom would hate that so I’m going to have a garage sale which I’ll hate but mom will love. Almost all day yesterday my sister talked about my husband and what a piece he is…. I’m fucked up, beyond messed up. I’m drowning in sorrow for my mom and my old life. I don’t know what to do or where to turn. Dropped off all my mom’s clothes at Idaho Youth Ranch… she’d be mad. Had dinner with brother and sister tonight. When I first got to the house they fixed me a drink (not my kinda thing but we toasted mom) then everyone cried periodically…. Tomorrow we meet with mom’s stock guy, then in the afternoon, everyone (mom’s twin and her husband, their two children, my Boise sister and her kids and grandkids, my sister and her two kids and her grandson and my kids and I) will meet up and visit and have dinner. Karl’s parents will be here as well but they are not coming to dinner, and Karl isn’t sure what he’s going to do yet…. I’m exhausted, then the memorial, the reception after… everyone will go home and …then I’ll price all my mom’s remaining stuff and have a garage sale and then… the … end.

Too much

In the month of march we celebrated two birthdays, I had two loved ones tell me they wanted to die, I had one loved one beg me to let her die, I’ve been to the emergency room twice, the doctor too many times to count and a family member quit/lose their job and then lose health insurance, had a loved one have major surgery, had three loved ones get super sick and I’m tired, so very tired.