I present a strong facade. I can handle this, I can cope but instead I turn off. I go through the motions of living, taking care of others, taking care of my duties as a wife, mother, pet owner and used to be a daughter. I am no longer a daughter for I no longer have parents.
In reality, I am broken and would like to be carried, just for a bit. Someone to hold me and make me feel safe and protected, even for a few moments. To matter, to be important enough to be put first.
I want to be a princess, to be special, to be loved and cared about just a small fraction of time.
I’m exhausted. I’ve got nothing left to give. I can’t carry the weight of this life anymore. I don’t even like me.
I don’t want to die and I do look forward to a new and better life.
But I do want to give up, I do want to stop living.
If I didn’t have my kids or my dogs, I’d be gone already.
Call to social security today. It went to processing last Friday, so if everything is in order it will get paid out but if you haven’t gotten it by memorial day, call us again. We can’t do anything until its been in processing for 60 days. I heard it myself on the speaker phone and wanted to crawl into a corner. No way can I handle this house for two more months.
I hate life. It is so hard to keep moving forward, waking up each day when there is so much suck in the world. A man posts a picture of his dog that was hit by a car and died. A friend talks about how her mom bought a gun because she saw a “kill muslim day” on facebook. My daughter struggles with her own self on her birthday. My sister had to put her dog to sleep. I image the day when I too will have to put one of my older dogs to sleep. I struggle to find positive things. I wake up each day with a little bit of dread. I see a sweet dog face next to me and think I can do it, I can face another day but then as the day goes on I’m just exhausted from faking my way through life. Smiling when I don’t have a reason to smile.
It’s just so absolutely draining. The bad times seem to last so long but the good times seem so quick and fleeting. I struggle to find good, I struggle to stay upbeat, I struggle to want to wake up each day, I struggle to not just want out of this horrible world filled with horrible things and horrible people. I’ve been fighting being sad for so long, trying to keep positive, trying to keep looking for the good and the happy but the bad just keep stomping me to the ground, crushing my soul.
I think to myself if I can just make it through this hour, this day, this week things will get better. If I make this change, things will get better. If I do this thing, things will get better. But there just is no better, I’ve just been fooling myself and telling my children lies. There is the quote that goes with the stopping suicide movement, stopping bullying movement, “it gets better.” It doesn’t, it’s a lie we tell ourselves and others so they won’t give up.