Existing is sometimes living.

Grief group was hard today. We talked about trauma and how it has affected us. With the lady (another Amy) she discussed how she was dealing with trauma after the fact. Her person had died in a car accident and she was talking about how she’d be driving and would suddenly notice that she was off on the side of the road.

I talked about how I dealt with my mom dying and that I would be completely calm and normal when I was with my mom, then step away for a moment and lose my mind in another room, then come right back and be normal again. That although I knew she was dying I acted as if it was just another normal day in the world. At the time I had no knowledge of  dissasociation and what that all meant. Now of course I have way more knowledge about it. I hadn’t talked about watching my mom die for a long time and the tears flowed down my face.  I could picture it clearly in my head and I hadn’t been to that location of my brain for a while.

I decided to drive past my mom’s house just to look, I guess. It looked completely the same, the lawn ornaments still in their place, (they ones we didn’t take, I took her favorites or maybe my favorites but the ones I knew meant something to her.) The lady hasn’t changed anything on the outside. I came home and cried for a bit then fell asleep in my son’s bed with him laying nearby. When I woke up it was time to go to therapy and he was asleep so we snuck out.

I’ve been down, I feel defeated and I am struggling to push myself forward, to keep going, keep doing things. I’d really rather just sleep for days or forever. I am just going through the motions of living without really enjoying life…I mean that is kind of life anyway isn’t it? We aren’t like in a constant state of enjoyment… there are ups and downs, I’ve just been on the down for a while now.

I did end up going to the pot luck. It wasn’t horrible. Benny is not a hot 40 something stud… but I am glad I went. I don’t know if I will go to the next one in four weeks or not. I actually would like to host it but that’s just because I like showing off, my home, my cooking skills and what not. I will not host it because, 10 dogs. And that is OK too.

I’m beyond tied. I am sleepy tired and soul tired. I have been sleeping a little better but I don’t feel rested when I wake up. My soul is tired of dealing with life and the people in it. I will continue to trudge forward and try to make the best of what is.

Anxiety Disorders And Major Depression Are Linked To Narcissistic Abuse

Nowadays considered as a disorder, anxiety has got its evolutionary roots back in the earliest beginnings of human evolution. Humans needed it to survive in the harsh and unpredictable environment they lived in.

Anxiety nowadays is considered to be an inexplicable feeling of unease, nervousness, and worry. It’s true that we have come too far to be affected by the same conditions which gave rise to the protective role of anxiety for our ancestors. So why and how does it occur now?

A lot of literature connects today’s anxiety disorders to some kind of psychological and emotional abuse during the person’s childhood. It has been found that early-life stress has a profound effect on the Central Nervous System (CNS) and that the same effect can occur in adults.

This abuse is now discussed as a major factor contributing to anxiety disorders, major depression, and PTSD. In fact, it has been established that psychological abuse is more detrimental than physical aggression and that it leaves a deep scar in the victim’s mental health.

Children who have been victims of psychological abuse don’t necessarily develop anxiety in their lives, but such traumatic events in times where their brains are still developing contribute to supersensitivity in the neuroendocrine stress response systems.

This means that any additional stress from emotional or psychological abuse later in life bears a high possibility of triggering psychological disorders such as anxiety and major depression.

Narcissistic abuse is one of the most harmful types of psychological abuse. It renders the victim unable to think and reason clearly due to the increased stress and the eventual adrenal fatigue.

This, in turn, triggers a number of possible outcomes, among which the most devastating effect could be an anxiety disorder, major depression, or both. This further increases your susceptibility to the narcissistic abuse and your inability to escape it.

That is why some victims tend to remain in the victim-abuser loop until the rest of their lives and are not even aware that their abuser feeds off them with every passing day.

The most common targets for a narcissist are people who are empathetic, compassionate and choose to see the best in others. This sensitive type of people will choose to trust and understand the narcissist.

And this is what they need to start weaving their web around their good-willing victims. In the process of their flawless manipulation, they will use whatever means necessary to make their victim feel smaller and more dependent on them.

They do it by constantly trying to lower their self-confidence and make their victims believe that they are going crazy. If they see themselves caught in the act, they will skillfully get out of the situation by convincing the other person that they are imagining the situation and are psychologically unstable.

While this is not the truth, you know what they say: a lie told a hundred times becomes truth. The more they make their victim question their morality, sanity, and ability to love unconditionally, the more they nail them to their cross and feed off them.

From the victim perspective, this lowered state and constant stress will eventually lead to adrenal fatigue and a constant fear that they may be doing something wrong. In certain cases, the victims start avoiding people, feel unable to function properly, and are generally in a disabled state.

This process is what will eventually lead the victim to a state of a shattered self-confidence and a completely destroyed mental state, where a lot of mental disorders have a space to start festering.

In this state, the victim is prone to develop extreme social anxiety, illnesses related to pervasive stress, a complete sense of disassociation from the self, and symptoms of major depression.

If you find yourself in such situation, it’s best that you talk to a psychologist and ask for help. While there are people who are able to recognize narcissistic abuse and get out of that relationship before it develops, some people are very much trapped in the cycle and find it impossible to get out.

It’s not that they don’t want to, but the psychological damage they have endured has left them unable to fight off the abuser and has made them shut themselves off from the rest of the world.

Psychological abuse is more dangerous than physical abuse. It leaves terrible consequences on the mental health of the victim and it renders them unable to recognize it.

In the case of narcissistic abuse, the victim will be certain that they are the ones who are in the wrong, and they will blame themselves for the dark reality they are in. This, of course, is far from the truth.

If you are or have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, know that it has never been your fault and that you did your best to pull that disturbed soul out of its own darkness. The truth is, most narcissists prefer their darkness, and they want to pull you in it.

Spread the awareness!

Copyright © Curious Mind Magazine

Gone Already.

I present a strong facade. I can handle this, I can cope but instead I turn off. I go through the motions of living, taking care of others, taking care of my duties as a wife, mother, pet owner and used to be a daughter. I am no longer a daughter for I no longer have parents.

In reality, I am broken and would like to be carried, just for a bit. Someone to hold me and make me feel safe and protected, even for a few moments. To matter, to be important enough to be put first.

I want to be a princess, to be special, to be loved and cared about just a small fraction of time.

I’m exhausted. I’ve got nothing left to give. I can’t carry the weight of this life anymore. I don’t even like me.

I don’t want to die and I do look forward to a new and better life.

But I do want to give up, I do want to stop living.

If I didn’t have my kids or my dogs, I’d be gone already.

Memorial day?!

Call to social security today. It went to processing last Friday, so if everything is in order it will get paid out but if you haven’t gotten it by memorial day, call us again. We can’t do anything until its been in processing for 60 days. I heard it myself on the speaker phone and wanted to crawl into a corner. No way can I handle this house for two more months.

Lying to myself

I hate life. It is so hard to keep moving forward, waking up each day when there is so much suck in the world. A man posts a picture of his dog that was hit by a car and died. A friend talks about how her mom bought a gun because she saw a “kill muslim day” on facebook. My daughter struggles with her own self on her birthday. My sister had to put her dog to sleep. I image the day when I too will have to put one of my older dogs to sleep. I struggle to find positive things.  I wake up each day with a little bit of dread. I see a sweet dog face next to me and think I can do it, I can face another day but then as the day goes on I’m just exhausted from faking my way through life. Smiling when I  don’t have a reason to smile.

It’s just so absolutely draining. The bad times seem to last so long but the good times seem so quick and fleeting. I struggle to find good, I struggle to stay upbeat, I struggle to want to wake up each day, I struggle to not just want out of this horrible world filled with horrible things and horrible people. I’ve been fighting being sad for so long, trying to keep positive, trying to keep looking for the good and the happy but the bad just keep stomping me to the ground, crushing my soul.

I think to myself if I can just make it through this hour, this day, this week things will get better. If I make this change, things will get better. If I do this thing, things will get better. But there just is no better, I’ve just been fooling myself and telling my children lies. There is the quote that goes with the stopping suicide movement, stopping bullying movement, “it gets better.” It doesn’t, it’s a lie we tell ourselves and others so they won’t give up.