My mom ordered these aprons for mother’s day, before she died. She bought 5 of them and we were left to assume who they were for. Today while going through her paperwork, I found the order form. The purple one listed first had my name, then a black one with Linda’s name, a pink one for “me” (my mom) and blue one for Helen (her twin) and a multicolored one for her best friend Rose. Linda and I were the only ones who took one so I think I will mail Helen’s to her and I will hand deliver to Rose. The pink one that was for mom, I’ll keep. Today has been rough. I called creditors to close her accounts, they are real nice when you don’t owe them any money… There is only one account remaining open and it has credit/life so I’m just waiting for the paperwork. I miss my mom so much. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. I drive by her neighborhood ALL the time and it physically hurts. I see her smile on my profile photo and it’s a stab in my heart. I need her, want her… Can’t cope without her. I’m dying…just dying without her.
Nighttime is hard. The days before she died play out like movies in vivid detail in my head. Did I do things right, was she comfortable, could I have done things different, did I do what she wanted? I wish I could talk with her, one more time… when I saw my aunt, my moms twin for the first time after my mom died, I crumbled, I fell to my knees and bawled. She sent me a thank you card today with a letter, telling me I had done a good job and thanking me for taking such good care of her sis. For honoring mom’s wishes and being so poised. It was touching, I’m glad she said I did well even if it was bullshit. I wish you got visitation for a little while after someone dies, I really need to talk with my mom. I can’t cope. I’m going through the motions, staying busy and trying to forget but I just don’t want to live without my mom.
One month ago today, I lost my most important role model and my best friend. My mom was my best friend for years. She was my other half, at times we switched up who was the better half but she was mine. Over the past 5 years I have been slowly becoming my mom’s parent more than her daughter, but she was always my mom even if I was the one bossing her around. We were so similar on some things and so opposite on other things but we fit. We’ve always been buddies, well minus those two years I was a teenage asshole. My mom has always had my back, she was there the day I got married, she was there for the birth of both my children, she was there when my dad died, even though she was doing her own mourning. I clearly knew my mom was dying but I didn’t really believe it was actually happening. I had somehow tricked myself partially into believing she would get better, but she didn’t. I’ve lost a piece of myself I have a huge hole in my soul and in my heart. Nothing will ever fill that hole again. I am lost and empty. Everyone has gone home (my family, Karl’s parents are still here)… tomorrow we will finish cleaning out mom’s house, then I’ll call the lady and let her know she can pay me and move in. I’m beyond broken. I KNOW my mom’s dead, but I just can’t believe my mom’s dead. I want to see her, I hurt, my chest literally hurts like it’s never hurt before. I’m fucked up.
I’m overwhelmed. Too many people touching everything, acting like everything is normal. I can’t cope, I want them to get out of my mom’s house. Everyone playing cards acting like it’s normal. My mom’s not here, so get out of her house.Laughing, they are all laughing like it’s normal. Finally, today’s over, I was a basket case. I should never drink. Ugh, I’m not doing well. I want them all gone.
My brother doesn’t want any of mom’s stuff, sister can’t really take any, extended family will be over Friday to “pick” through her things…. Originally my sister wanted to donate it all, mom would hate that so I’m going to have a garage sale which I’ll hate but mom will love. Almost all day yesterday my sister talked about my husband and what a piece he is…. I’m fucked up, beyond messed up. I’m drowning in sorrow for my mom and my old life. I don’t know what to do or where to turn. Dropped off all my mom’s clothes at Idaho Youth Ranch… she’d be mad. Had dinner with brother and sister tonight. When I first got to the house they fixed me a drink (not my kinda thing but we toasted mom) then everyone cried periodically…. Tomorrow we meet with mom’s stock guy, then in the afternoon, everyone (mom’s twin and her husband, their two children, my Boise sister and her kids and grandkids, my sister and her two kids and her grandson and my kids and I) will meet up and visit and have dinner. Karl’s parents will be here as well but they are not coming to dinner, and Karl isn’t sure what he’s going to do yet…. I’m exhausted, then the memorial, the reception after… everyone will go home and …then I’ll price all my mom’s remaining stuff and have a garage sale and then… the … end.
This little girl reminds me of my mom, because she loved my mom so much. The Christmas eve Penelope came to be ours my mom was spending the night. They bonded and became bestest buds. I’d take Penny to my moms house and she’d run through the house looking for grandma, then when she’d see grandma she’d waggle her little body so much, she’d fall over and tinkle. Mom had toys at her house for Penelope and she’d always get them out and take them to grandma to play with. When Penelope had to have her emergency c-section, mom paid for it and never wanted to be repaid. Mom wasn’t the dog lover I was so we had been locking them out of the room while mom was here. The night before mom died, Penny cried to be let in and she stayed with me all night in the recliner to be with grandma and I. When mom died, we let Penny smell her so she’d know. Mom called her “Penny Candy” cause she was so tiny and so sweet.
My sister will be here tomorrow. We’ve got a review on our food stamps, but after that I’ll put mom’s van in my name, close her savings and transfer her money to a separate account. We hope to go through all mom’s personal things tomorrow and Tuesday. We’ll start boxing stuff up that mom wanted people to have. Wednesday we’ll meet with the chaplin again. Thursday my brother and his family will be here, along with my sister’s daughter as well as my mom’s twin and her kids. Friday my in-laws and my sister’s son comes. Friday night we’ll all get together at mom’s for a meal (26ish of us). Then Saturday is the memorial at the funeral home and a reception after at moms. Everyone goes home on Sunday except Karl’s parents…. Then it’ll be all over…. I’ll finish up any last minute house stuff, contact the buyer and never go back
Today was difficult. My family has never done much in regards to mother’s day (I think it tends to be something kids are taught by dad’s and Karl’s never done anything) so for me mother’s day was always about my mom. I stayed busy getting my house ready for my inlaws, but once I stopped…. man, I miss her. I want to go to her house and have her be there. I want just a little more time. I still can’t believe she’s gone, I mean I know she’s gone but…. I want my mom
I moved my mother to my house on April 18th and spent the next few days taking care of her, barely leaving her side and watching her die. I was with her when she died in my bedroom. I was standing right beside her as her last breath escaped her body, she was finally able to fully exhale just four days later on April 21st. I’m glad I could be there for her but I’ll never forget seeing her die right before my eyes. It was horrific, the way it ended….she deserved better.
My mom was such a huge part of my life and I’ve got this giant hole. I see her sweet smiling face in my profile photo and I want to call her or go to her house to see her. Then I remember I can’t. I turned off her phone today and canceled her car insurance. I feel like I’m going through the motions of living but I’m dying. I bought my son slacks and a nice purple button up for him to wear to her memorial. He looks so handsome, my mom would love it. I also got a pretty flowered shirt for myself, she’d love it as well. We’re not wearing all black, she’d rather have pastels. I can’t even think of her without my chest hurting. I just want her back….