Struggling

I’m struggling with my mom today, well last night too. I’m so mad, frustrated, upset that I didn’t communicate with her before she died just how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. I didn’t tell her how much I was going to miss her. Why didn’t I do that? I KNEW she was dying, how stupid of me not to tell her those things. I’m little bit upset with her for not saying good bye. She knew, she was telling people and giving her things away but she didn’t like stop me and wake me up to what was really happening.  I wrote on facebook almost an entire week before she died that she was dying but I didn’t accept it? I know she knew those things, but I so wish I would have told her. It feels some completely weird to have literally watched my mom die and to have not done anything to stop it. Why didn’t we stop it? Because it was what she wanted but holy crap, it so sucks. It’s not what I wanted. I wanted her with me.

My mother, my friend, my balance

When my mother was dying I knew it was happening but I somehow didn’t accept it. So when she died within a couple of weeks I was shocked and unprepared. Not that a person can ever be prepared for the death of a loved one.

My mom was something special to me. Like no other person in the world. I love her like I love no other. We were partners in crime, we were equals, we were like each others halves. She was my better half, smarter, knew how to do so many things so well. I was her better half, patient and kinder. We became a team and we were tight.

Not having my mom around means I don’t have a part of myself around. There is a giant hole in my heart and I don’t even know how to be me. Who am I without my other half, who am I without my mom. My mom was my last adult connection. She kept me stable and I knew as long as I had my mom I would always be safe. Now I’m lost and vulnerable. I am also filled with regret and disappointment.

I lost my mom on April 21, 2017. I literally watched my mother die in my home, in my bed and it was the worst day of my life. It’s been almost 5 months since I lost my mom and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to completely move on. I miss her every day and I miss her more and more as each day passes. I rarely went more than a couple days without talking to her and never more than 3-4 days without seeing her. Each day that passes reminds me how much I miss her. I long to hear her voice, to see her happy face when I walked into her house.

My mom loved me more than any other person ever could. No matter what I did, my mom always loved me and though I was wonderful. I can’t yet even begin to think how I will ever get through the next 30-40 years without her. The sun still shines everyday but it just isn’t as bright or as warm as it once was. Life still goes on, but it feels muted and dull without my mom. I still laugh but it’s empty without my mom.

My mom was a wonderful person, not without faults but wonderful in spite of her faults. I am who I am today because of my mom. I am a lot like my mom and that’s a good thing. Shortly before my mom died I told her that I was a lot like her, she apologized and said “I’m sorry about that.” I told her I wouldn’t want to be like anyone else and I was glad I was like her.

Each and every day I wake up without my mom is like a slow death of my own. I will always miss my mom but possibly someday it won’t hurt as much.

 

Four months

 

Four months ago, I watched my mom die. I miss her terribly and think of her daily. I have panic attacks when I think of never seeing her again. I see her face in my mind and long to talk to her, to touch her, hug her and laugh with her. Somedays, I go through the motions of living but most days I just exist. Living without my mom is the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever done. Most of the time it doesn’t seem worth it. I hold on, push forward and think of my children. Please don’t comment if it isn’t helpful. I’m only making this public so everyone truly knows what I’m feeling. When someone dies, everyone shows up, within days people tend to start leaning away. Within weeks almost everyone has disappeared and you’re left alone to suffer. Losing my mom didn’t go away, the pain hasn’t lessened and the hole in my heart continues to grow. The sun still shines without my mom, but like today’s eclipse it’s a weird kind of light, dull, colorless, lacking warmth and not at all bright.

This plant

My mom had this plant that a friend had given to her when she had heart surgery. The plant had been struggling the last 6 months or so of my mom’s life. I brought that plant home and I did everything I could to keep it alive but it died, just like my mom. It’s symbolic I did everything I could keep my mom alive and I couldn’t, just like I couldn’t keep that plant alive. The plant given to my mom when my father died I have been able to keep alive for almost 30 years. I’m going to replace my mom’s plant, with something. In her memory..

Piggy Bank

Do “things” hold meaning for you? Going through my mother’s things, I find so many “things” that hold meaning, have memories attached. I found a pill splitter, who cares about a pill cutter? But both Ashlee and I distinctly remember buying it for her when we brought her to our house after her heart surgery. I came across all her cross stitch stuff and lost my wits. You could almost always count on my mom sitting somewhere (her couch, the hospital, your couch, road trips) doing cross stitch. This piggy bank, I gave to my mom in 1997 when I worked at Hallmark (I was 17 years old). My mom loved him and filled him quite a bit full, someone robbed that money but the piggy stayed. She had planned to fill it and take a trip with it some day, maybe I’ll do the same. Behind her piggy is the purse I bought her for valentine’s day. I haven’t cleaned it out…. These things aren’t THINGS, they are pieces of my mom and they are everywhere. No one really understands the connection she and I had. She was a part of me and I a part of her. Tomorrow I’ll go to a butterfly release to celebrate my mom at Heart’n Home Hospice as the last grief counseling group. Friday will mark three months (13 weeks, 92 days) without my mom. It hasn’t gotten any easier for me, to live without her. 

Aprons

My mom ordered these aprons for mother’s day, before she died. She bought 5 of them and we were left to assume who they were for. Today while going through her paperwork, I found the order form. The purple one listed first had my name, then a black one with Linda’s name, a pink one for “me” (my mom) and blue one for Helen (her twin) and a multicolored one for her best friend Rose. Linda and I were the only ones who took one so I think I will mail Helen’s to her and I will hand deliver to Rose. The pink one that was for mom, I’ll keep. Today has been rough. I called creditors to close her accounts, they are real nice when you don’t owe them any money… There is only one account remaining open and it has credit/life so I’m just waiting for the paperwork. I miss my mom so much. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. I drive by her neighborhood ALL the time and it physically hurts. I see her smile on my profile photo and it’s a stab in my heart. I need her, want her… Can’t cope without her. I’m dying…just dying without her.

Sleep eludes me

Nighttime is hard. The days before she died play out like movies in vivid detail in my head. Did I do things right, was she comfortable, could I have done things different, did I do what she wanted? I wish I could talk with her, one more time… when I saw my aunt, my moms twin for the first time after my mom died, I crumbled, I fell to my knees and bawled. She sent me a thank you card today with a letter, telling me I had done a good job and thanking me for taking such good care of her sis. For honoring mom’s wishes and being so poised. It was touching, I’m glad she said I did well even if it was bullshit. I wish you got visitation for a little while after someone dies, I really need to talk with my mom. I can’t cope. I’m going through the motions, staying busy and trying to forget but I just don’t want to live without my mom.

One Month

One month ago today, I lost my most important role model and my best friend. My mom was my best friend for years. She was my other half, at times we switched up who was the better half but she was mine. Over the past 5 years I have been slowly becoming my mom’s parent more than her daughter, but she was always my mom even if I was the one bossing her around. We were so similar on some things and so opposite on other things but we fit. We’ve always been buddies, well minus those two years I was a teenage asshole. My mom has always had my back, she was there the day I got married, she was there for the birth of both my children, she was there when my dad died, even though she was doing her own mourning. I clearly knew my mom was dying but I didn’t really believe it was actually happening. I had somehow tricked myself partially into believing she would get better, but she didn’t. I’ve lost a piece of myself I have a huge hole in my soul and in my heart. Nothing will ever fill that hole again. I am lost and empty. Everyone has gone home (my family, Karl’s parents are still here)… tomorrow we will finish cleaning out mom’s house, then I’ll call the lady and let her know she can pay me and move in. I’m beyond broken. I KNOW my mom’s dead, but I just can’t believe my mom’s dead. I want to see her, I hurt, my chest literally hurts like it’s never hurt before. I’m fucked up.