Memorial

Memorial was lovely. Nice turn out. Her pictures were great and lots of people from her neighborhood came to the memorial and not the reception after. This hanging out here at her house is not fun, I don’t dig these people, I’m not like them.

Get out.

I’m overwhelmed. Too many people touching everything, acting like everything is normal. I can’t cope, I want them to get out of my mom’s house. Everyone playing cards acting like it’s normal. My mom’s not here, so get out of her house.Laughing, they are all laughing like it’s normal. Finally, today’s over, I was a basket case. I should never drink. Ugh, I’m not doing well. I want them all gone.

Unreal

My brother doesn’t want any of mom’s stuff, sister can’t really take any, extended family will be over Friday to “pick” through her things…. Originally my sister wanted to donate it all, mom would hate that so I’m going to have a garage sale which I’ll hate but mom will love. Almost all day yesterday my sister talked about my husband and what a piece he is…. I’m fucked up, beyond messed up. I’m drowning in sorrow for my mom and my old life. I don’t know what to do or where to turn. Dropped off all my mom’s clothes at Idaho Youth Ranch… she’d be mad. Had dinner with brother and sister tonight. When I first got to the house they fixed me a drink (not my kinda thing but we toasted mom) then everyone cried periodically…. Tomorrow we meet with mom’s stock guy, then in the afternoon, everyone (mom’s twin and her husband, their two children, my Boise sister and her kids and grandkids, my sister and her two kids and her grandson and my kids and I) will meet up and visit and have dinner. Karl’s parents will be here as well but they are not coming to dinner, and Karl isn’t sure what he’s going to do yet…. I’m exhausted, then the memorial, the reception after… everyone will go home and …then I’ll price all my mom’s remaining stuff and have a garage sale and then… the … end.

Penelope

This little girl reminds me of my mom, because she loved my mom so much. The Christmas eve Penelope came to be ours my mom was spending the night. They bonded and became bestest buds. I’d take Penny to my moms house and she’d run through the house looking for grandma, then when she’d see grandma she’d waggle her little body so much, she’d fall over and tinkle. Mom had toys at her house for Penelope and she’d always get them out and take them to grandma to play with. When Penelope had to have her emergency c-section, mom paid for it and never wanted to be repaid. Mom wasn’t the dog lover I was so we had been locking them out of the room while mom was here. The night before mom died, Penny cried to be let in and she stayed with me all night in the recliner to be with grandma and I. When mom died, we let Penny smell her so she’d know. Mom called her “Penny Candy” cause she was so tiny and so sweet.

 

My sister will be here tomorrow. We’ve got a review on our food stamps, but after that I’ll put mom’s van in my name, close her savings and transfer her money to a separate account. We hope to go through all mom’s personal things tomorrow and Tuesday. We’ll start boxing stuff up that mom wanted people to have. Wednesday we’ll meet with the chaplin again. Thursday my brother and his family will be here, along with my sister’s daughter as well as my mom’s twin and her kids. Friday my in-laws and my sister’s son comes. Friday night we’ll all get together at mom’s for a meal (26ish of us). Then Saturday is the memorial at the funeral home and a reception after at moms. Everyone goes home on Sunday except Karl’s parents…. Then it’ll be all over…. I’ll finish up any last minute house stuff, contact the buyer and never go back

 

Today was difficult. My family has never done much in regards to mother’s day (I think it tends to be something kids are taught by dad’s and Karl’s never done anything) so for me mother’s day was always about my mom. I stayed busy getting my house ready for my inlaws, but once I stopped…. man, I miss her. I want to go to her house and have her be there. I want just a little more time. I still can’t believe she’s gone, I mean I know she’s gone but…. I want my mom

Sleep

I┬ácan’t sleep, I’ve just replayed every minute of every day from Easter to the day my mom died. I need to be sleeping, Karl’s got an mri and some injections tomorrow early. That’s actually what started my thinking was that we’d be right by the hospital… I took my mom’s glasses back yesterday for a refund, she’d only had them for a week. They gave me a store credit so now I can go get glasses that I wouldn’t have been able to afford before. That’d make mom happy. It feels like once her memorial is over, she’ll really be gone… Then my new “normal” will start, I’d like my old normal back please….

I watched my mom die

I moved my mother to my house on April 18th and spent the next few days taking care of her, barely leaving her side and watching her die. I was with her when she died in my bedroom. I was standing right beside her as her last breath escaped her body, she was finally able to fully exhale just four days later on April 21st. I’m glad I could be there for her but I’ll never forget seeing her die right before my eyes. It was horrific, the way it ended….she deserved better.

Dreams

I rarely dream, today I took a nap and dreamt that I was at my sister’s house for the memorial but it was my brother’s hallway and I saw the back of my mom pushing this box down the hallway. In the dream I actually rubbed my eyes like “is this true? Is she here,” then woke up and it took me a couple of minutes to come to terms that it wasn’t real. Two weeks ago yesterday, I lost her. My sister says she came to visit me and show me she was taking her “things”. My sister asked what do you think was in the box? I said her memories. I’ve never felt more alone.

Hole

My mom was such a huge part of my life and I’ve got this giant hole. I see her sweet smiling face in my profile photo and I want to call her or go to her house to see her. Then I remember I can’t. I turned off her phone today and canceled her car insurance. I feel like I’m going through the motions of living but I’m dying. I bought my son slacks and a nice purple button up for him to wear to her memorial. He looks so handsome, my mom would love it. I also got a pretty flowered shirt for myself, she’d love it as well. We’re not wearing all black, she’d rather have pastels. I can’t even think of her without my chest hurting. I just want her back….