Last night out of nowhere my husband goes over to my treadmill. He’s trying to figure out how to turn it on. After a bit he asks how it starts up, I tell him where the button is to turn it on, then show him how to get it started and turn it up. At first I was kind of upset, because I know it will become a competition of some type. But then I thought no, good for him. If he looses some weight and gets a little healthier then that’s great. After he was done. He said he wanted to do it longer but his knee hurt. I told him it didn’t matter because every little bit counted. He said he wanted to get up to speed with me so we could go for walks together.
Really? After 29 years of me asking to go for walks, now you want to walk with me? Oddly enough, I’m also walking with my daughter. My son likes to go walking as well. A person would think, cool a family activity that includes everyone. No, no one really wants to share me with any others, or really wants to walk with the other people. So, there’s that.
Today I asked him to call and get his medical expenses, even though I had asked him last week and left him a note yesterday. The topic of myself and my son having found a new doctor came up. He asked when we had found a new doctor, “because we don’t talk… we don’t talk.” I didn’t reply but then almost instantly felt bad. I try to talk myself out of this by reminding myself he sits in his room for hours upon hours watching tv. He doesn’t ask questions and he’s never given a crap before, so is it my fault. No, but I can’t help but feel badly for excluding him.
I hate life. It is so hard to keep moving forward, waking up each day when there is so much suck in the world. A man posts a picture of his dog that was hit by a car and died. A friend talks about how her mom bought a gun because she saw a “kill muslim day” on facebook. My daughter struggles with her own self on her birthday. My sister had to put her dog to sleep. I image the day when I too will have to put one of my older dogs to sleep. I struggle to find positive things. I wake up each day with a little bit of dread. I see a sweet dog face next to me and think I can do it, I can face another day but then as the day goes on I’m just exhausted from faking my way through life. Smiling when I don’t have a reason to smile.
It’s just so absolutely draining. The bad times seem to last so long but the good times seem so quick and fleeting. I struggle to find good, I struggle to stay upbeat, I struggle to want to wake up each day, I struggle to not just want out of this horrible world filled with horrible things and horrible people. I’ve been fighting being sad for so long, trying to keep positive, trying to keep looking for the good and the happy but the bad just keep stomping me to the ground, crushing my soul.
I think to myself if I can just make it through this hour, this day, this week things will get better. If I make this change, things will get better. If I do this thing, things will get better. But there just is no better, I’ve just been fooling myself and telling my children lies. There is the quote that goes with the stopping suicide movement, stopping bullying movement, “it gets better.” It doesn’t, it’s a lie we tell ourselves and others so they won’t give up.
Today is my daughter’s birthday. Should be a good day and I will do my best to make it so. I hadn’t bought her a card so I went to my mom’s stash and there among the many different cards was my son’s graduation card. Mom was always prepared. She had a book, each page was a month and it had little pockets in it. She had birthday cards placed in the pockets for upcoming birthdays. March and April were empty pockets because we’d just done those birthdays and she had yet to refill them. But every other month still had cards. May had a card for Linda but not one for me. Mom would have snuck to the store to buy me a special card, because I was special to her. I looked at the cards in the pockets picked out for all those she loved, the granddaughters, grandsons, great granddaughters and great grandsons. Cards for her sons, daughter-in-laws, daughters and son-in-laws, nieces, nephews and some special friends. They each had a spot in her book. She never missed a birthday and all the little kids always got valentine, Easter, Halloween dollar bills in little cards too.
I thought about giving my daughter her birthday card from my mom but I didn’t want to make her sad on her birthday. I think I’ll save it because one day I might have a special granddaughter to give it to. I wish mom could have made it one more year to see my son turn 18, help me make graduation announcements together like we did with my daughter and to watch my son graduate. I know people will say, she’s watching it all from heaven but that doesn’t work for me. In fact I kind of hate it. She will be in all of our thoughts though and she’ll be in my heart as well.
This song came out in the prime of my husband’s drug use. I used to play it super loud whenever he was in the car with me. I mentioned how much I liked it. He knew it meant something to me, but he never realized it was my anthem to him. He never put it together.
On the way home from therapy last week, I was overcome with sadness and cried most of the way home. The idea that I never mattered was prominent. I never mattered to my parents…
I never mattered to my husband.
I just wasn’t important enough.
Example when I had the worst kidney infection of my life. I called my husband at work and told him I was in terrible pain, asked him to come home so he could drive me to urgent care because I didn’t think I could drive myself. He got super upset, but eventually came home about an hour later. Took me to the urgent care, texted on his phone while we waited, I was silently crying and going back and forth to the bathroom. Finally an hour later, I’m seen and sent off with prescriptions. He’s so busy calling his assistant manager to cover his shift for the next day, while I’m sitting in the car waiting to go get meds. He made it all about him having to take the next day off work, when I never asked him to do that. I was peeing blood…
When I had a horrible cough and sinus infection for two months… I went to three doctors on my own. When I had mono so bad I could hardly stand but I drove myself to the doctor. When I was having chest pains and was actually worried, but I drove myself to the hospital…
Same deal when I was a kid… when I broke my collarbone and we finished getting firewood before we went to the hospital. I didn’t matter then… When my sister cut her leg open and we could literally see the bone, we played cards until my dad finally came home to take her to the hospital. We didn’t matter.
That time my husband and I were both super sick, I called him to come get me and we both went to urgent care. My fever was higher than his and the nurse was like, your wife is much sicker. But later I slept on the floor while he slept on the couch… I never mattered.
So when I had kids, I finally mattered. Someone loved me and I was the most important person to them. They loved me, I mattered to them and they mattered most to me. I was finally worth being loved.
She cannot see that at times, she is just like he. It is rare that a day goes by that she does not complain about one thing or another. It seems almost every day there is an unexplained pain, illness, attack or other such problem. I do acknowledge when the mind is unhealthy so is the body.
I used to think there was always so much drama with him, there was always something or someone, causing issues. But now I know he loved the drama, it fueled him. He pushes buttons to cause drama. She doesn’t push buttons but she sure does have a lot of drama around her. And for me, I just want peace… no drama.
I am feeling very defeated. The light at the end of the tunnel is weak and barely visible. I was driving last night to the store and it just hit me, like a punch to the chest, how very much I miss my mom. I would just like to hug her, see her beautiful smile and talk for a few moments.
When this happens, I often can’t breathe properly and feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. Tears stream down my face uncontrolled. At times I think I should remove her from my things, my walgreens app, my phone, my internet mail… but then I can’t. Her purse is still just as it was. My sister would have already gotten rid of it. Is it a feeling of betrayal or do I just like seeing her face? Is it that I may forget her or is it a form of punishment towards myself? I don’t know. I just know I miss her so very much.
I noticed today how often I just ignore, tune out, disassociate the things I don’t want to deal with, the things I don’t want to hear. When two people are acting like fools and only worrying about themselves and I know they want me to pick a side or interject, but I turn them off. When things get hard, I turn them off. If only I could turn my brain off.