I am nothing.

Somewhere in my life i got the impression that if i made the people i love a priority, made them special,  made them matter, then I too would matter,  be special or become a priority.  But I was wrong at the end of the day,  I only matter when they want, for what I can do, bring, offer. I am so easily discounted, toss aside, discarded when something or  someone better comes along.

She’ll always be there,  no matter how much we neglect her, no matter how rudely we speak to her, no matter how much we take advantage or expect from her,  she’ll be there.

Sabotage

My husband eats almost every night, right before bed. Tonight being no different, he comes in after midnight eating and asking if I wanted some. I declined. Little bit later I go into the kitchen to get the dog his meds. My husband rushes into the kitchen,says, “you’re not gonna eat something better now are you?”
No, I’m just getting the dog his meds. Then I said, hey since you know I don’t eat that late could you not bring food into my room or offer me food?
He says,”its just cause we ate so early.”
I’m like, no we ate at our normal time, regardless you do it all the time. It makes it hard for me.
“well then you should talk me out of it every night.”
Nope, you’re a grown adult. You need to control that yourself. I’m not going to try to talk you out of eating and then you’ll eat anyway.
“well, then the same thing goes for you. You’re an adult so you control yourself when I eat.”
No, not the same thing and I do control myself.

He is so annoying. He has relapsed a couple of times and always finds a way to blame the “bad” person that he’s friends with. “Well, they brought it over and I couldn’t help myself. If they were good friends they wouldn’t have tempted me.”

Same deal goes for me with food. You tempt me at every freaking turn, but I am stronger and don’t just give in. I currently have two snickers, a Hershey bar and a ding dong in my desk drawer all from him. “I got this for youuuu…” It was three snickers but I gave in one night…I have weaknesses too.

He should have said, “you’re right. I’ll try not to offer you food late at night anymore.” Easy as that.

I feel my heart sinking.


I’m right back there. Thoughts overwhelming my brain. Tears trying to escape. I want to scream. Stomp my feet. Throw hissy fit.

I want my mom back! I WANT MY MOM BACK!

This was the day I brought my mom to my house. I made my bed with her sheets and bedspread, so she’d feel at home. When she asked, “where am I?” I said well who’s bed does it look like you’re in? It felt good when she said “mine.”

I miss her. I long to hear her voice or feel her hand in mine.

No guilt.

Inmate : MARK
Sender : Amy
Date : 4/18/2018 12:29:52 AM EST,

Letter ID: 111581435

Hey,
For the record, tough love or telling me what to do will get you nowhere. I wasn’t writing you before mom died, nor
was I talking to you on the phone and I don’t owe you anything. The memories you have of me are of a little girl and
even a young lady but I am much older now and fully capable of taking care of myself, my children and my life. I know
Nancy is more than willing to accept phone calls but I am not. I have yet to turn one down either, which you seem to
think I do. If I don’t answer the phone because I’m busy, asleep or away from the phone it just doesn’t go through and
it isn’t answered but doesn’t mean it’s be denied.
I have lived my entire life doing things for other people out of guilt or because I was “supposed” to. But I’m not doing
that anymore. I took care of mom because I wanted to, I was the person she wanted with her when she died. I’ll take
care of my children (who are now both adults) and I’ll take care of my dogs but I answer to no one anymore. I will not
do things because others expect it, require it, or demand it. I will not do things because I “should” or I “owe” them
something. I don’t owe anyone anything. Mom was the last person I owed something to and even then I didn’t have to
do anything. I chose to.
I don’t have things to write about, I live my life, I cook meals, clean my house, pick up dog shit, mow my yard, do
school work, drive people to appointments, bathe and sleep. In between all that I sometimes eat, go to therapy, listen
to music and sometimes if I’m lucky I laugh. People have been sucking me dry for years so the last thing I need is for
someone else to want something from me. If I want to give, I will. If I don’t, I won’t. The only reason you even have my
phone number is because I was the one to find a way to call you. Done. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings but it is
what it is.
We are wrapping up the school year and preparing for graduation. He’ll take finals on the 16th and 17th of May then
graduate on the 23rd. It is coming fast and there is still a lot left to do to prepare. I have gotten his cap and gown in
the mail though. I assume Karl’s parents will come up for the graduation and that means I will be busy getting my
house in order for them. I highly doubt anyone from Boise will come so it will be a small affair which I’m sure my son
is thankful for.
After that, I have no plans at all. I will have raised my children and should be free to do whatever I please. Within
reason… I’d like to go visit Nancy and see her new place. Maybe meet the new grandbaby if I wait that long. But then
again who knows… it’s not like I’ve got money to burn.
So there ya go, you’ve been told. You know where I’m coming from and how I feel. You can continue to write to me if
you’d like and when I have time to write back or something good/interesting to write about I’ll write you back.
Hope you are doing well.
Amy