Remember this.

Relationships can be unpredictable things. For some people, they are endlessly fulfilling and totally captivating. For others, they’re hell on earth.

There are few things worse than being trapped in a toxic relationship. There’s nothing quite like the total breakdown in your sense of identity and self-worth that comes with endless gaslighting and betrayal. You’re ground down slowly until you’re a shadow of your former self. You’re made to doubt yourself, constantly. You find you’re second guessing everything you do. You’re caught in a vicious cycle of spiralling guilt and fear. You end up blaming yourself for the situation you’re in. You feel guilty for allowing it to happen to you, for you to be controlled in such a way. You also feel guilty for thinking like that in the first place. What if it all really is your fault? What if it’s all in your head, just like your partner says?

You’re afraid to be with them. You’re afraid to be without them. Nowhere and nothing feels safe. A toxic relationship will cripple your sense of self-worth and happiness. When you’re with someone who doesn’t really want you to be happy, who doesn’t want you to follow your dreams, or to be successful or fulfilled, or to be anything other than a plaything under their total control, life begins to seem totally pointless.

Often, toxic people will lure you into a relationship with a charming act. This façade will soon disappear once they feel like you’re under their thumb. They’ll bring it out at times, of course, when they want something from you – and then return to being vicious and nasty at the drop of the hat. Toxic people are master manipulators, skilled at cutting you off from your friends and family, slowly narrowing your support network until the noose tightens and you’re totally dependent on them. They’ll play with your emotions. They’ll ignore your calls and texts one moment, then make you feel guilty and ashamed for taking too long to reply to them. Hoping for a healthy, fulfilling relationship with someone like that is an exercise in futility. They don’t want a relationship. They want a personal slave, someone at their constant beck and call, relegated to a shell of a person and existing only to please them when they feel like it.

Many people in toxic relationships are so hung up on the charming, perfect veneer that their partners portray when they first meet that they become blind to the reality of the situation they’re experiencing when the relationship begins to deteriorate. They desperately hope that their partner will one day become the person they first fell in love with – the one who would shower them with affection and love. They feel alone all the time, even when they’re with the person who they’re supposed to be closest with. The person who makes them feel unworthy of love. Someone who treads on them for little more than an ego boost.

However, like any hardship in life, the horrible process of experiencing a toxic relationship can help make you stronger, as long as you can learn to process all that happened to you in a healthy and constructive way. It can teach you many hard lessons about yourself, life, and relationships. You can use a horrible experience like that as a life lesson and go on to be a better person for having been taught it. Adversity is often the best teacher.


Hysterectomy

Simple hyperplasia without atypia  – Basically precancerous cells in my uterus which means I cannot have an ablation and must instead have a hysterectomy. In a way this is better because there will not be the worry of the lining growing back and have the ablation fail but it also means more expense and much more recovery time.  I did tell my husband and he did ask if he could be a part of my life during that time… sigh.

Gone Already.

I present a strong facade. I can handle this, I can cope but instead I turn off. I go through the motions of living, taking care of others, taking care of my duties as a wife, mother, pet owner and used to be a daughter. I am no longer a daughter for I no longer have parents.

In reality, I am broken and would like to be carried, just for a bit. Someone to hold me and make me feel safe and protected, even for a few moments. To matter, to be important enough to be put first.

I want to be a princess, to be special, to be loved and cared about just a small fraction of time.

I’m exhausted. I’ve got nothing left to give. I can’t carry the weight of this life anymore. I don’t even like me.

I don’t want to die and I do look forward to a new and better life.

But I do want to give up, I do want to stop living.

If I didn’t have my kids or my dogs, I’d be gone already.

Narcissist

The narcissist treats women the way he does in order to weaken them and to make them dependent on him so as to prevent them from abandoning him. He uses a variety of techniques to undermine the sources of his partner’s strengths: her healthy sexuality, supportive family, thriving career, self-esteem and self-image, sound mental health, proper reality test, good friends, and social circle.

Once deprived of all these, the narcissist remains his partner’s only available source of authority, interest, meaning, feeling and hope. A woman thus denuded of her network of support is highly unlikely to abandon the narcissist. Her state of dependence is fostered by his unpredictable behaviours, which cause her to react with fear and phobic hesitation.
Each narcissist has a profile of his preferred SNSS. It reflects the predilections of the narcissist and the matrix of his pathological needs. But a few things are common to all potential women SNSS:

They must not be garrulous, they must be slow, inferior in some important respect, submissive, with an aesthetic appearance, intelligent but passive, admiring, emotionally available, dependent and either simple or femme fatale. They are not the narcissist’s type if they are critical, independently thinking, demonstrate superiority, sophistication, personal autonomy, or provide unsolicited advice or opinions. The narcissist forms no relationships with such women.

Having spotted the “right profile”, the narcissist sees if he is sexually attracted to the woman. If he is, he proceeds to condition her using a variety of measures: sex, money, assumption of responsibilities, fostering sexual, emotional, existential and operational uncertainties (followed by bouts of relief on her part as conflicts are resolved), grandiose gestures, expressions of interest, of need and of dependence (mistakenly interpreted by the woman to mean deep emotions), grandiose plans, idealisation, demonstrations of unlimited trust (but no sharing of decision making powers), encouraging feelings of uniqueness and of pseudo-intimacy, and childlike behaviour.

Dependence is formed and a new SNSS (secondary narcissistic supply) is born.

Sam Vaknin