I can’t sleep, I’ve just replayed every minute of every day from Easter to the day my mom died. I need to be sleeping, Karl’s got an mri and some injections tomorrow early. That’s actually what started my thinking was that we’d be right by the hospital… I took my mom’s glasses back yesterday for a refund, she’d only had them for a week. They gave me a store credit so now I can go get glasses that I wouldn’t have been able to afford before. That’d make mom happy. It feels like once her memorial is over, she’ll really be gone… Then my new “normal” will start, I’d like my old normal back please….
I moved my mother to my house on April 18th and spent the next few days taking care of her, barely leaving her side and watching her die. I was with her when she died in my bedroom. I was standing right beside her as her last breath escaped her body, she was finally able to fully exhale just four days later on April 21st. I’m glad I could be there for her but I’ll never forget seeing her die right before my eyes. It was horrific, the way it ended….she deserved better.
I rarely dream, today I took a nap and dreamt that I was at my sister’s house for the memorial but it was my brother’s hallway and I saw the back of my mom pushing this box down the hallway. In the dream I actually rubbed my eyes like “is this true? Is she here,” then woke up and it took me a couple of minutes to come to terms that it wasn’t real. Two weeks ago yesterday, I lost her. My sister says she came to visit me and show me she was taking her “things”. My sister asked what do you think was in the box? I said her memories. I’ve never felt more alone.
My mom was such a huge part of my life and I’ve got this giant hole. I see her sweet smiling face in my profile photo and I want to call her or go to her house to see her. Then I remember I can’t. I turned off her phone today and canceled her car insurance. I feel like I’m going through the motions of living but I’m dying. I bought my son slacks and a nice purple button up for him to wear to her memorial. He looks so handsome, my mom would love it. I also got a pretty flowered shirt for myself, she’d love it as well. We’re not wearing all black, she’d rather have pastels. I can’t even think of her without my chest hurting. I just want her back….
Everywhere I look I see touches of you. There are parts of you in every room of my house and parts of me in the rooms of your house. We were so interconnected, so alike, you and I. I told her one night recently that I was so much like her, she said, “I know I’m sorry about that.” Nope, I’m glad I’m like you, cause you’re amazing. Knowing how much she missed my dad and imagining how much he missed her, I hope there is heaven and they’re together.
It has only been 5 days, but it feels like forever. I keep thinking who can I turn to, but the only answer is my mom. I think who can fix this, but the only answer is my mom. I told her I’d be ok and she could rest but I didn’t really mean it. Last night the image of her at the time of her death flashed into my mind and it felt like someone punched me in the chest. I hurt so much, I just want her back. She’s all I had left, she was a part of me…
Did the funeral home thing. Signed mom’s life away. Such a scam that business. Original quote 3650, actual price 6750. There will still be other costs too. Mom would be upset. Her friends keep calling me, its nice but not. Picked out flowers but went to the wrong place so I’ll do that again tomorrow. Asked family to post pictures or share some have. I’m jealous of the ones with weddings and graduations that we’ll not have. I’m feeling pushed out, I don’t know why. I didn’t cry today. I miss her, so very much. I don’t want people touching or taking her stuff, silly.