I’m not…

It’s almost 2:30am, do you know where your mind is? Mine is on my mom… it’s been there all day. It has been a year and a half since my mom died. 79½ weeks, 556 days, 13,344 hours since my mom exhalled her last breath. When she was finally able to completely exhale. When you have COPD you can’t completely exhale, which in turn means you can’t inhale enough and with each passing breath you inhale less and less over time. Your lung continue to wither, shrink, fill with fluids and you die.

I miss her, the pain of missing her only continues to grow and at times I’m still hit with shock and fresh pain. My mom grounded me, she made me who I was. Without her I feel untethered, without roots, without a safe place.

I can’t help but feel I got fucked… I hate that I feel that way. So ungrateful and greedy but I didn’t have enough time with my parents..

April 18th

A year ago today I brought my mom to my house. I made my bed up with her sheets and bedspread, so it felt like her home. When she asked me, “where am I?” I said well who’s bed does it look like you’re in? It made my heart feel good when she answered, “mine.” I think I knew she was dying but I think I wanted to believe she was going to get better. Today’s been hard. I feel like I’m right there again. I almost wish I was. I miss my mom so very much, I long to hear her voice and feel her hand in mine