I’m not…

It’s almost 2:30am, do you know where your mind is? Mine is on my mom… it’s been there all day. It has been a year and a half since my mom died. 79½ weeks, 556 days, 13,344 hours since my mom exhalled her last breath. When she was finally able to completely exhale. When you have COPD you can’t completely exhale, which in turn means you can’t inhale enough and with each passing breath you inhale less and less over time. Your lung continue to wither, shrink, fill with fluids and you die.

I miss her, the pain of missing her only continues to grow and at times I’m still hit with shock and fresh pain. My mom grounded me, she made me who I was. Without her I feel untethered, without roots, without a safe place.

I can’t help but feel I got fucked… I hate that I feel that way. So ungrateful and greedy but I didn’t have enough time with my parents..

Physical Pain

I can’t, I just can’t. The pain is so intense. She was my very best friend. I had lost her, the real her a couple of years ago but losing all of her is killing me. I just want to go to her house and see her sitting there and being so happy to see me. My siblings hurt and I don’t want to take that away from them but they don’t, they cant hurt the same as I hurt. She was part of me, she became my child. I lived for her. I know I’ve got my kids, my husband and my dogs but I feel like I’ve got nothing left.