Just another day…

I want to give up. I am so tired of living. I’m tired of struggling through each day, dreading the next. I don’t see anything better, brighter… It will just be the same old shit. I hear my train, the one that will be mine some day, if I live here long enough. I imagine standing beside the tracks, then just at the last minute, step in front. I’m sorry conductor guy. Don’t feel bad.

I hope I’m brave enough, I’d rather jump from somewhere high, but there’s no where liked that here. How exhilerating to free fall to death. To be free…

Mom, why did you have to go and leave me here? My life was still much better with you in it. I’m empty.

Packing it up

My garage has been full of my mother stuff since May. Everyone wanted to just donate all her things. I knew my mother would absolutely hate that, so I had it all brought to my house. We all met at my mom’s house on Friday, before her memorial and had a meal together. Everyone played cards and acted as if it was a normal family get together. It was absolutely bizarre. On Saturday we had her memorial, then everyone played cards again, just as if it was a normal thing. Then suddenly it was time to pack up and bring everything to my house. We filled my garage within minutes.

For the next several weeks, it was far too hot to get into the boxes and things. I tried, I managed to bring in some furniture I wanted to keep. I managed to rearrange my room with my mother’s furniture in it. It looked so nice with her things in there, I just wished she was in there to see it and use it. A couple of times over the summer on cooler days I was able to organized stuff a bit, then slowly set up tables, start pricing things and eventually in Sept when it finally cooled down. I had a garage sale. On Friday my husband spent most of the day in the garage. Not that he did so without making comments. Saturday and Sunday, I did it pretty much on my own. My daughter tried to help me out on Saturday but the dog wouldn’t stop barking so I told her to go inside because it would calm the dogs.

I waited a couple of weeks and then I reset it up with more things and did the garage sale again. Friday both my husband and I worked the sale. Me, more so than him… he hurts. Saturday morning came and it was rainy and I was sad, tired and didn’t sleep well. I put a sign outside and called it a day. Today, Sunday I spent a great portion of the day packing things up. Some things will be donated and some things will be put in the shed to do a garage sale again, next summer.  I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do or not but I know my mom wouldn’t just want me to give her things away. She worked hard all her life for her things. How could I just give them away? Plus every dime helps me support my family.

I hope to have the garage cleaned out enough that we could possibly put two cars in there. I’d love for my new car to be in there but I’d also like the rodeo in there too. It would look much nicer. I feel bad about my mom’s van sitting outside in the weather, but what can I do?

So tonight, I’m tired, sore and beyond sad. I miss my mom so very much. I just want to hold her hand, talk to her, just be with her. It truly boggles my mind that I am expected to go on as if everything was normal. Nothing will ever be normal again and I will miss her forever.

Struggling

I’m struggling with my mom today, well last night too. I’m so mad, frustrated, upset that I didn’t communicate with her before she died just how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. I didn’t tell her how much I was going to miss her. Why didn’t I do that? I KNEW she was dying, how stupid of me not to tell her those things. I’m little bit upset with her for not saying good bye. She knew, she was telling people and giving her things away but she didn’t like stop me and wake me up to what was really happening.  I wrote on facebook almost an entire week before she died that she was dying but I didn’t accept it? I know she knew those things, but I so wish I would have told her. It feels some completely weird to have literally watched my mom die and to have not done anything to stop it. Why didn’t we stop it? Because it was what she wanted but holy crap, it so sucks. It’s not what I wanted. I wanted her with me.

My mother, my friend, my balance

When my mother was dying I knew it was happening but I somehow didn’t accept it. So when she died within a couple of weeks I was shocked and unprepared. Not that a person can ever be prepared for the death of a loved one.

My mom was something special to me. Like no other person in the world. I love her like I love no other. We were partners in crime, we were equals, we were like each others halves. She was my better half, smarter, knew how to do so many things so well. I was her better half, patient and kinder. We became a team and we were tight.

Not having my mom around means I don’t have a part of myself around. There is a giant hole in my heart and I don’t even know how to be me. Who am I without my other half, who am I without my mom. My mom was my last adult connection. She kept me stable and I knew as long as I had my mom I would always be safe. Now I’m lost and vulnerable. I am also filled with regret and disappointment.

I lost my mom on April 21, 2017. I literally watched my mother die in my home, in my bed and it was the worst day of my life. It’s been almost 5 months since I lost my mom and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to completely move on. I miss her every day and I miss her more and more as each day passes. I rarely went more than a couple days without talking to her and never more than 3-4 days without seeing her. Each day that passes reminds me how much I miss her. I long to hear her voice, to see her happy face when I walked into her house.

My mom loved me more than any other person ever could. No matter what I did, my mom always loved me and though I was wonderful. I can’t yet even begin to think how I will ever get through the next 30-40 years without her. The sun still shines everyday but it just isn’t as bright or as warm as it once was. Life still goes on, but it feels muted and dull without my mom. I still laugh but it’s empty without my mom.

My mom was a wonderful person, not without faults but wonderful in spite of her faults. I am who I am today because of my mom. I am a lot like my mom and that’s a good thing. Shortly before my mom died I told her that I was a lot like her, she apologized and said “I’m sorry about that.” I told her I wouldn’t want to be like anyone else and I was glad I was like her.

Each and every day I wake up without my mom is like a slow death of my own. I will always miss my mom but possibly someday it won’t hurt as much.

 

Four months

 

Four months ago, I watched my mom die. I miss her terribly and think of her daily. I have panic attacks when I think of never seeing her again. I see her face in my mind and long to talk to her, to touch her, hug her and laugh with her. Somedays, I go through the motions of living but most days I just exist. Living without my mom is the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever done. Most of the time it doesn’t seem worth it. I hold on, push forward and think of my children. Please don’t comment if it isn’t helpful. I’m only making this public so everyone truly knows what I’m feeling. When someone dies, everyone shows up, within days people tend to start leaning away. Within weeks almost everyone has disappeared and you’re left alone to suffer. Losing my mom didn’t go away, the pain hasn’t lessened and the hole in my heart continues to grow. The sun still shines without my mom, but like today’s eclipse it’s a weird kind of light, dull, colorless, lacking warmth and not at all bright.