Cagney without Lacey just isn’t as good.

I drove by my mom’s after therapy today… I hadn’t planned on it. The route so familiar the car seemed to glide on its own, around the corner, left turn onto the back road and then turned right into her neighborhood. Her house looked exactly the same. The flower pots we didn’t take, sitting in the same place… the iris were overly tall. Mom would have cut them down by now… her purplish/pink trailer looked just like she’d left it. Her neighbors still living in their homes, lives unchanged… If only I could have stopped in and seen my mom.
This evening, I found my old blog and started looking at old entries. It was just like I told Melanie, the same shit I deal with now, I dealt with over 14 years ago. When I last wrote it was right after my mom’s mom had died and then shortly after that my mom’s companion died… such a sad time. It was just a year later mom would come to live in Idaho to be close to me and my kids. Memory lane such a twisted path… I don’t want to forget but I don’t want to remember. Sometimes I still just can’t or maybe don’t want to believe I’ll never see my mom again. Not in this life… how can I go on without out her?
My mom and I were best friends, partners in crime, gigglers and she loved me like no one else has ever or will ever love me.

I feel my heart sinking.


I’m right back there. Thoughts overwhelming my brain. Tears trying to escape. I want to scream. Stomp my feet. Throw hissy fit.

I want my mom back! I WANT MY MOM BACK!

This was the day I brought my mom to my house. I made my bed with her sheets and bedspread, so she’d feel at home. When she asked, “where am I?” I said well who’s bed does it look like you’re in? It felt good when she said “mine.”

I miss her. I long to hear her voice or feel her hand in mine.

Just another day…

I want to give up. I am so tired of living. I’m tired of struggling through each day, dreading the next. I don’t see anything better, brighter… It will just be the same old shit. I hear my train, the one that will be mine some day, if I live here long enough. I imagine standing beside the tracks, then just at the last minute, step in front. I’m sorry conductor guy. Don’t feel bad.

I hope I’m brave enough, I’d rather jump from somewhere high, but there’s no where liked that here. How exhilerating to free fall to death. To be free…

Mom, why did you have to go and leave me here? My life was still much better with you in it. I’m empty.

Packing it up

My garage has been full of my mother stuff since May. Everyone wanted to just donate all her things. I knew my mother would absolutely hate that, so I had it all brought to my house. We all met at my mom’s house on Friday, before her memorial and had a meal together. Everyone played cards and acted as if it was a normal family get together. It was absolutely bizarre. On Saturday we had her memorial, then everyone played cards again, just as if it was a normal thing. Then suddenly it was time to pack up and bring everything to my house. We filled my garage within minutes.

For the next several weeks, it was far too hot to get into the boxes and things. I tried, I managed to bring in some furniture I wanted to keep. I managed to rearrange my room with my mother’s furniture in it. It looked so nice with her things in there, I just wished she was in there to see it and use it. A couple of times over the summer on cooler days I was able to organized stuff a bit, then slowly set up tables, start pricing things and eventually in Sept when it finally cooled down. I had a garage sale. On Friday my husband spent most of the day in the garage. Not that he did so without making comments. Saturday and Sunday, I did it pretty much on my own. My daughter tried to help me out on Saturday but the dog wouldn’t stop barking so I told her to go inside because it would calm the dogs.

I waited a couple of weeks and then I reset it up with more things and did the garage sale again. Friday both my husband and I worked the sale. Me, more so than him… he hurts. Saturday morning came and it was rainy and I was sad, tired and didn’t sleep well. I put a sign outside and called it a day. Today, Sunday I spent a great portion of the day packing things up. Some things will be donated and some things will be put in the shed to do a garage sale again, next summer.  I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do or not but I know my mom wouldn’t just want me to give her things away. She worked hard all her life for her things. How could I just give them away? Plus every dime helps me support my family.

I hope to have the garage cleaned out enough that we could possibly put two cars in there. I’d love for my new car to be in there but I’d also like the rodeo in there too. It would look much nicer. I feel bad about my mom’s van sitting outside in the weather, but what can I do?

So tonight, I’m tired, sore and beyond sad. I miss my mom so very much. I just want to hold her hand, talk to her, just be with her. It truly boggles my mind that I am expected to go on as if everything was normal. Nothing will ever be normal again and I will miss her forever.

Struggling

I’m struggling with my mom today, well last night too. I’m so mad, frustrated, upset that I didn’t communicate with her before she died just how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. I didn’t tell her how much I was going to miss her. Why didn’t I do that? I KNEW she was dying, how stupid of me not to tell her those things. I’m little bit upset with her for not saying good bye. She knew, she was telling people and giving her things away but she didn’t like stop me and wake me up to what was really happening.  I wrote on facebook almost an entire week before she died that she was dying but I didn’t accept it? I know she knew those things, but I so wish I would have told her. It feels some completely weird to have literally watched my mom die and to have not done anything to stop it. Why didn’t we stop it? Because it was what she wanted but holy crap, it so sucks. It’s not what I wanted. I wanted her with me.