Just another day…

I want to give up. I am so tired of living. I’m tired of struggling through each day, dreading the next. I don’t see anything better, brighter… It will just be the same old shit. I hear my train, the one that will be mine some day, if I live here long enough. I imagine standing beside the tracks, then just at the last minute, step in front. I’m sorry conductor guy. Don’t feel bad.

I hope I’m brave enough, I’d rather jump from somewhere high, but there’s no where liked that here. How exhilerating to free fall to death. To be free…

Mom, why did you have to go and leave me here? My life was still much better with you in it. I’m empty.

Too much

In the month of march we celebrated two birthdays, I had two loved ones tell me they wanted to die, I had one loved one beg me to let her die, I’ve been to the emergency room twice, the doctor too many times to count and a family member quit/lose their job and then lose health insurance, had a loved one have major surgery, had three loved ones get super sick and I’m tired, so very tired.

If I…

If I told you to go away, would you?

If I told you I didn’t want to be friends, would you believe me?

If I told you I couldn’t do this anymore, would you let me leave?

If I told you I couldn’t find strength in myself anymore, would you help me find it?

If I told you I couldn’t find happiness anymore, would you allow me to live in sorrow?

If I told you I wanted forgiveness would you forgive me?

If I told you I was unhappy, would you try to make me happy?

If I told you I was having bad thoughts, would you try to make me think of other thing?

If I told you I couldn’t stand on my own anymore, would you hold me up?

If I told you I didn’t love you anymore, would you walk away?

If I told you I wanted to die, would you let me?