What the fuck …

When I set boundaries people leave, I know, I know… then they weren’t meant to be in my life.

When I set boundaries people say I’m bitter or have a chip on my shoulder.

If I set rules, I’m stubborn or inflexible. If I ever make demands then I’m needy and unable to stand on my own.

So if I just give everything of myself, sacrifice everything I am, then they’ll be good to me. But no, they wont, they will take advantage.

Don’t give up yourself… but if you don’t bend, fold and give up you must be a bitch.

I have never been a priority in anyone’s life.

I write shit and I backspace it out because it sounds like I’m feeling sorry for myself. I’m not feeling sorry for myself I’m fucking sad.

I’m not a victim, I don’t want to be a victim. If I was a victim I’d just give up, I’d be dead.

The world tells me to be one way, then tells me it’s wrong. The world tells me to be another way, then tells me I’m wrong. Fuck you world.



I want to hide.

I did  it, I went dancing. It was ok. It was mainly older people. No one there was even close to my age, which was ok. Did I have fun? I wouldn’t say it was fun but it wasn’t horrible. Maybe it was fun and I don’t even know what fun is. But it was a LOT of touching strangers, kisses on the cheek and lips… hand holding, just a lot out of my comfort zone. The man comes to the table, puts out his hand, leads you to the floor, you dance, they hug and kiss you, then thank you, holds your hand back to the table. Just a lot of touching. I also felt extremely stupid messing up the incredibly easy steps.

Now though I feel trapped. I know they will ask me to go again and a person can only say no so many times, specially when no is one of the hardest words to say.

I was exhausted when I woke up and dreamt weird dreams most of the night. But then I also had incredibly weird dreams the night before too. My fitbit tells me I dreamt for a little over 3 hours the night before and last night was about 2½ hours of dreams. That is a lot of dreams. Weird ones, rescuing people, running from people…. being lost, not being able to find my way out of places, being trapped.

I will probably spend the next few days avoiding these people. I laughed to much, I opened up to much. I said “my mom” too much and overall I just felt too much.

I can’t explain how trapped I feel and how I want to revert to not talking to anyone because then they want you to talk more. I’ve always said I didn’t want friends because being a decent friend is always a lot of work and you have to be there for then when you don’t want to or don’t have the energy to. I used to say that as a comfort for myself I think but it really is somewhat true.

I’ve always loved my online friends because they aren’t nearby, they can’t just make random demands of me. I feel vulnerable now, exposed and overwhelmed.

I want to hide but I want to live. So conflicted. I don’t know what I want.

Silent Treatment.

I am worthless

I am currently being given the silent treatment by  “the child” I called him out on something and he shut me right down. I believe he lied to me as well. But then I became almost obsessed with needing an answer or reply.  This was a couple of day ago and today I am less fixated on him. I still checked messenger too many times and am still bothered that he hasn’t reached out. I don’t understand why I am like that… I don’t like it,

I used to get so bothered when my husband gave me the silent treatment. I have never liked silence during an argument and he knew that. He would sit there staring at me. It unnerves me.

Anxiety Disorders And Major Depression Are Linked To Narcissistic Abuse

Nowadays considered as a disorder, anxiety has got its evolutionary roots back in the earliest beginnings of human evolution. Humans needed it to survive in the harsh and unpredictable environment they lived in.

Anxiety nowadays is considered to be an inexplicable feeling of unease, nervousness, and worry. It’s true that we have come too far to be affected by the same conditions which gave rise to the protective role of anxiety for our ancestors. So why and how does it occur now?

A lot of literature connects today’s anxiety disorders to some kind of psychological and emotional abuse during the person’s childhood. It has been found that early-life stress has a profound effect on the Central Nervous System (CNS) and that the same effect can occur in adults.

This abuse is now discussed as a major factor contributing to anxiety disorders, major depression, and PTSD. In fact, it has been established that psychological abuse is more detrimental than physical aggression and that it leaves a deep scar in the victim’s mental health.

Children who have been victims of psychological abuse don’t necessarily develop anxiety in their lives, but such traumatic events in times where their brains are still developing contribute to supersensitivity in the neuroendocrine stress response systems.

This means that any additional stress from emotional or psychological abuse later in life bears a high possibility of triggering psychological disorders such as anxiety and major depression.

Narcissistic abuse is one of the most harmful types of psychological abuse. It renders the victim unable to think and reason clearly due to the increased stress and the eventual adrenal fatigue.

This, in turn, triggers a number of possible outcomes, among which the most devastating effect could be an anxiety disorder, major depression, or both. This further increases your susceptibility to the narcissistic abuse and your inability to escape it.

That is why some victims tend to remain in the victim-abuser loop until the rest of their lives and are not even aware that their abuser feeds off them with every passing day.

The most common targets for a narcissist are people who are empathetic, compassionate and choose to see the best in others. This sensitive type of people will choose to trust and understand the narcissist.

And this is what they need to start weaving their web around their good-willing victims. In the process of their flawless manipulation, they will use whatever means necessary to make their victim feel smaller and more dependent on them.

They do it by constantly trying to lower their self-confidence and make their victims believe that they are going crazy. If they see themselves caught in the act, they will skillfully get out of the situation by convincing the other person that they are imagining the situation and are psychologically unstable.

While this is not the truth, you know what they say: a lie told a hundred times becomes truth. The more they make their victim question their morality, sanity, and ability to love unconditionally, the more they nail them to their cross and feed off them.

From the victim perspective, this lowered state and constant stress will eventually lead to adrenal fatigue and a constant fear that they may be doing something wrong. In certain cases, the victims start avoiding people, feel unable to function properly, and are generally in a disabled state.

This process is what will eventually lead the victim to a state of a shattered self-confidence and a completely destroyed mental state, where a lot of mental disorders have a space to start festering.

In this state, the victim is prone to develop extreme social anxiety, illnesses related to pervasive stress, a complete sense of disassociation from the self, and symptoms of major depression.

If you find yourself in such situation, it’s best that you talk to a psychologist and ask for help. While there are people who are able to recognize narcissistic abuse and get out of that relationship before it develops, some people are very much trapped in the cycle and find it impossible to get out.

It’s not that they don’t want to, but the psychological damage they have endured has left them unable to fight off the abuser and has made them shut themselves off from the rest of the world.

Psychological abuse is more dangerous than physical abuse. It leaves terrible consequences on the mental health of the victim and it renders them unable to recognize it.

In the case of narcissistic abuse, the victim will be certain that they are the ones who are in the wrong, and they will blame themselves for the dark reality they are in. This, of course, is far from the truth.

If you are or have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, know that it has never been your fault and that you did your best to pull that disturbed soul out of its own darkness. The truth is, most narcissists prefer their darkness, and they want to pull you in it.

Spread the awareness!

Copyright © Curious Mind Magazine

Remember this.

Relationships can be unpredictable things. For some people, they are endlessly fulfilling and totally captivating. For others, they’re hell on earth.

There are few things worse than being trapped in a toxic relationship. There’s nothing quite like the total breakdown in your sense of identity and self-worth that comes with endless gaslighting and betrayal. You’re ground down slowly until you’re a shadow of your former self. You’re made to doubt yourself, constantly. You find you’re second guessing everything you do. You’re caught in a vicious cycle of spiralling guilt and fear. You end up blaming yourself for the situation you’re in. You feel guilty for allowing it to happen to you, for you to be controlled in such a way. You also feel guilty for thinking like that in the first place. What if it all really is your fault? What if it’s all in your head, just like your partner says?

You’re afraid to be with them. You’re afraid to be without them. Nowhere and nothing feels safe. A toxic relationship will cripple your sense of self-worth and happiness. When you’re with someone who doesn’t really want you to be happy, who doesn’t want you to follow your dreams, or to be successful or fulfilled, or to be anything other than a plaything under their total control, life begins to seem totally pointless.

Often, toxic people will lure you into a relationship with a charming act. This façade will soon disappear once they feel like you’re under their thumb. They’ll bring it out at times, of course, when they want something from you – and then return to being vicious and nasty at the drop of the hat. Toxic people are master manipulators, skilled at cutting you off from your friends and family, slowly narrowing your support network until the noose tightens and you’re totally dependent on them. They’ll play with your emotions. They’ll ignore your calls and texts one moment, then make you feel guilty and ashamed for taking too long to reply to them. Hoping for a healthy, fulfilling relationship with someone like that is an exercise in futility. They don’t want a relationship. They want a personal slave, someone at their constant beck and call, relegated to a shell of a person and existing only to please them when they feel like it.

Many people in toxic relationships are so hung up on the charming, perfect veneer that their partners portray when they first meet that they become blind to the reality of the situation they’re experiencing when the relationship begins to deteriorate. They desperately hope that their partner will one day become the person they first fell in love with – the one who would shower them with affection and love. They feel alone all the time, even when they’re with the person who they’re supposed to be closest with. The person who makes them feel unworthy of love. Someone who treads on them for little more than an ego boost.

However, like any hardship in life, the horrible process of experiencing a toxic relationship can help make you stronger, as long as you can learn to process all that happened to you in a healthy and constructive way. It can teach you many hard lessons about yourself, life, and relationships. You can use a horrible experience like that as a life lesson and go on to be a better person for having been taught it. Adversity is often the best teacher.


The narcissist treats women the way he does in order to weaken them and to make them dependent on him so as to prevent them from abandoning him. He uses a variety of techniques to undermine the sources of his partner’s strengths: her healthy sexuality, supportive family, thriving career, self-esteem and self-image, sound mental health, proper reality test, good friends, and social circle.

Once deprived of all these, the narcissist remains his partner’s only available source of authority, interest, meaning, feeling and hope. A woman thus denuded of her network of support is highly unlikely to abandon the narcissist. Her state of dependence is fostered by his unpredictable behaviours, which cause her to react with fear and phobic hesitation.
Each narcissist has a profile of his preferred SNSS. It reflects the predilections of the narcissist and the matrix of his pathological needs. But a few things are common to all potential women SNSS:

They must not be garrulous, they must be slow, inferior in some important respect, submissive, with an aesthetic appearance, intelligent but passive, admiring, emotionally available, dependent and either simple or femme fatale. They are not the narcissist’s type if they are critical, independently thinking, demonstrate superiority, sophistication, personal autonomy, or provide unsolicited advice or opinions. The narcissist forms no relationships with such women.

Having spotted the “right profile”, the narcissist sees if he is sexually attracted to the woman. If he is, he proceeds to condition her using a variety of measures: sex, money, assumption of responsibilities, fostering sexual, emotional, existential and operational uncertainties (followed by bouts of relief on her part as conflicts are resolved), grandiose gestures, expressions of interest, of need and of dependence (mistakenly interpreted by the woman to mean deep emotions), grandiose plans, idealisation, demonstrations of unlimited trust (but no sharing of decision making powers), encouraging feelings of uniqueness and of pseudo-intimacy, and childlike behaviour.

Dependence is formed and a new SNSS (secondary narcissistic supply) is born.

Sam Vaknin