His pain…

when she got her money…. I didn’t tell her what to do with it…. Everyone got something, but I didn’t get anything…

I didn’t get money, I didn’t win the lottery, I lost my mom. My mom fucking died you idiot! I would give back every dime to have her back.

I played his game.

I tell my daughter and then my husband “I am going to eat.” I make myself a sandwich, in the meantime my daughter comes out and makes herself some leftovers. We’re sitting at the table eating when my husband walks out. The look on his face is “shock” (I mean honestly how could I eat without letting him know/making him food/asking his permission/whatever.) I say, “I told you I was going to eat.”
Dear Lord, I must have somehow magically called him a bitch because he lost his mind. “OH NO YOU DID NOT.”
“Yes, I did. I told our daughter then I walked directly to the room you were in and told you. You may not have heard me but I did tell you.”
Slamming, banging and shit throwing begins. I look at my daughter and mouth, do not react, do not react… I am saying it to her but for me as well. I start showing her something on my tablet to distract us both and we begin to talk like “normal” people. This only intensifies the banging and door slamming. I finish my food and get up so I can put away my things. I ask him if he needs something that I left out and he snaps at me, “Don’t worry about anything I will take care of myself by myself.”
I react… I couldn’t help it. Inside my head I could hear myself saying DONNNN’T DOOOO ITTTT. ha!

I kept my words calm and collected but it just set him off like no tomorrow.
I’m a know it all.
I’m always right.
I only care about myself.
I am mean.
I treat him like shit.
I…..I….
I actually laughed out loud and walked out of the room.

The funny (not funny) thing is, I had spent a better part of the morning watching youtube videos telling me how to respond and not react. How to disconnect and not play the game. Then, I went and Connected, Reacted and Played the game! I played his game, HARD and I lost. I allowed him to push my buttons.

I was feeling bad about the way I treat him this morning. I felt guilty that I wasn’t giving him a fair chance. Why do I doubt that he is the monster I know he is and somehow think I am the one at fault? Why can’t I stop doing that?

Then… an hour later. I fall apart. I’m wholly depressed and see no light, no way out. I’m defeated and crying. I am so over living this life. I’m not wonderful but I am not horrible.

Buttons.

Just about every day there is some type of challenge issued to me. Constant button pushing… Act like an ass then stare at me and ask me “What?” You know damn well you are challenging me to fight back or to wither up and die. Sometimes I have time to play your game, sometimes I don’t but most of the time I just don’t have the energy. I honestly do not like you, I love you because I’ve always loved you and I know other thing… but I do not like you.

You asked me once if it made my skin crawl when you touched me, I said no. It doesn’t make my skin crawl but I don’t like it. Especially today when you did what you did. What on earth makes you think I would like that, want that or approve of that? You are stupid. You don’t care about anyone but yourself.

I can’t even find the words to express how miserable I am. But it wouldn’t matter to you. It has never mattered to you, because in the end I don’t matter to you.