Memorial day?!

Call to social security today. It went to processing last Friday, so if everything is in order it will get paid out but if you haven’t gotten it by memorial day, call us again. We can’t do anything until its been in processing for 60 days. I heard it myself on the speaker phone and wanted to crawl into a corner. No way can I handle this house for two more months.

Am I mean?

Last night out of nowhere my husband goes over to my treadmill. He’s trying to figure out how to turn it on. After a bit he asks how it starts up, I tell him where the button is to turn it on, then show him how to get it started and turn it up. At first I was kind of upset, because I know it will become a competition of some type. But then I thought no, good for him. If he looses some weight and gets a little healthier then that’s great. After he was done. He said he wanted to do it longer but his knee hurt. I told him it didn’t matter because every little bit counted. He said he wanted to get up to speed with me so we could go for walks together.

Really? After 29 years of me asking to go for walks, now you want to walk with me? Oddly enough, I’m also walking with my daughter. My son likes to go walking as well. A person would think, cool a family activity that includes everyone. No, no one really wants to share me with any others, or really wants to walk with the other people. So, there’s that.

Today I asked him to call and get his medical expenses, even though I had asked him last week and left him a note yesterday. The topic of myself and my son having found a new doctor came up. He asked when we had found a new doctor, “because we don’t talk… we don’t talk.” I didn’t reply but then almost instantly felt bad. I try to talk myself out of this by reminding myself he sits in his room for hours upon hours watching tv. He doesn’t ask questions and he’s never given a crap before, so is it my fault. No, but I can’t help but feel badly for excluding him.


Today is my daughter’s birthday. Should be a good day and I will do my best to make it so. I hadn’t bought her a card so I went to my  mom’s stash and there among the many different cards was my son’s graduation card. Mom was always prepared. She had a book, each page was a month and it had little pockets in it. She had birthday cards placed in the pockets for upcoming birthdays. March and April were empty pockets because we’d just done those birthdays and she had yet to refill them. But every other month still had cards. May had a card for Linda but not one for me. Mom would have snuck to the store to buy me a special card, because I was special to her. I looked at the cards in the pockets picked out for all those she loved, the granddaughters, grandsons, great granddaughters and great grandsons. Cards for her sons, daughter-in-laws, daughters and son-in-laws, nieces, nephews and some special friends. They each had a spot in her book. She never missed a birthday and all the little kids always got valentine, Easter, Halloween dollar bills in little cards too.

I thought about giving my daughter her birthday card from my mom but I didn’t want to make her sad on her birthday. I think I’ll save it because one day I might have a special granddaughter to give it to. I wish mom could have made it one more year to see my son turn 18, help me make graduation announcements together like we did with my daughter and to watch my son graduate. I know people will say, she’s watching it all from heaven but that doesn’t work for me. In fact I kind of hate it. She will be in all of our thoughts though and she’ll be in my heart as well.

I miss you mom….


She cannot see that at times, she is just like he. It is rare that a day goes by that she does not complain about one thing or another. It seems almost every day there is an unexplained pain, illness, attack or other such problem. I do acknowledge when the mind is unhealthy so is the body.

I used to think there was always so  much drama with him, there was always something or someone, causing issues. But now I know he loved the drama, it fueled him. He pushes buttons to cause drama. She doesn’t push buttons but she sure does have a lot of drama around her. And for me, I just want peace… no drama.

I am feeling very defeated. The light at the end of the tunnel is weak and barely visible. I was driving last night to the store and it just hit me, like a punch to the chest, how very much I miss my mom. I would just like to hug her, see her beautiful smile and talk for a few moments.

When this happens, I often can’t breathe properly and feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. Tears stream down my face uncontrolled. At times I think I should remove her from my things, my walgreens app, my phone, my internet mail… but then I can’t. Her purse is still just as it was. My sister would have already gotten rid of it. Is it a feeling of betrayal or do I just like seeing her face? Is it that I may forget her or is it a form of punishment towards myself? I don’t know. I just know I miss her so very much.

I noticed today how often I just ignore, tune out, disassociate the things I don’t want to deal with, the things I don’t want to hear. When two people are acting like fools and only worrying about themselves and I know they want me to pick a side or interject, but I turn them off. When things get hard, I turn them off. If only I could turn my brain off.