Faded

She cannot see that at times, she is just like he. It is rare that a day goes by that she does not complain about one thing or another. It seems almost every day there is an unexplained pain, illness, attack or other such problem. I do acknowledge when the mind is unhealthy so is the body.

I used to think there was always so  much drama with him, there was always something or someone, causing issues. But now I know he loved the drama, it fueled him. He pushes buttons to cause drama. She doesn’t push buttons but she sure does have a lot of drama around her. And for me, I just want peace… no drama.

I am feeling very defeated. The light at the end of the tunnel is weak and barely visible. I was driving last night to the store and it just hit me, like a punch to the chest, how very much I miss my mom. I would just like to hug her, see her beautiful smile and talk for a few moments.

When this happens, I often can’t breathe properly and feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. Tears stream down my face uncontrolled. At times I think I should remove her from my things, my walgreens app, my phone, my internet mail… but then I can’t. Her purse is still just as it was. My sister would have already gotten rid of it. Is it a feeling of betrayal or do I just like seeing her face? Is it that I may forget her or is it a form of punishment towards myself? I don’t know. I just know I miss her so very much.

I noticed today how often I just ignore, tune out, disassociate the things I don’t want to deal with, the things I don’t want to hear. When two people are acting like fools and only worrying about themselves and I know they want me to pick a side or interject, but I turn them off. When things get hard, I turn them off. If only I could turn my brain off.

The beginning of the end

Christmas came and Christmas went without a mom, without presents from my family. I really didn’t expect there to be presents  but I guess somewhere deep down I had hope that one of them would do something for me… Nope. He could have had he wanted too. It really wouldn’t have been hard.

New years came and went with only the slightest recognition. Take out but he had to ruin that too. Such a child, I’m actually embarrassed for him… Well I would be if I wasn’t so busy feeling sorry for me.

I have no hope for my future. I am completely hopeless. I’m beyond depressed and so wish I could just not wake up in the morning. Die in my sleep. Nope need to get this kid graduated then we’ll see what I can do for myself

I’m so tired of being me…