Tonight, I left my son at home and took his dog to be put to sleep. Kirby came into our lives when my son was 5. He followed us home from a bike ride and dug his way into the back yard. He claimed that 5 year old boy as his own. They grew up together. Tonight as I watched my 19 yr old son wrestle with the decision to end his dog’s suffering, I saw my 5 year old little boy again. I held Kirby as he fell asleep and then quit breathing, then I carried him home to his boy.
Grief group was hard today. We talked about trauma and how it has affected us. With the lady (another Amy) she discussed how she was dealing with trauma after the fact. Her person had died in a car accident and she was talking about how she’d be driving and would suddenly notice that she was off on the side of the road.
I talked about how I dealt with my mom dying and that I would be completely calm and normal when I was with my mom, then step away for a moment and lose my mind in another room, then come right back and be normal again. That although I knew she was dying I acted as if it was just another normal day in the world. At the time I had no knowledge of dissasociation and what that all meant. Now of course I have way more knowledge about it. I hadn’t talked about watching my mom die for a long time and the tears flowed down my face. I could picture it clearly in my head and I hadn’t been to that location of my brain for a while.
I decided to drive past my mom’s house just to look, I guess. It looked completely the same, the lawn ornaments still in their place, (they ones we didn’t take, I took her favorites or maybe my favorites but the ones I knew meant something to her.) The lady hasn’t changed anything on the outside. I came home and cried for a bit then fell asleep in my son’s bed with him laying nearby. When I woke up it was time to go to therapy and he was asleep so we snuck out.
I’ve been down, I feel defeated and I am struggling to push myself forward, to keep going, keep doing things. I’d really rather just sleep for days or forever. I am just going through the motions of living without really enjoying life…I mean that is kind of life anyway isn’t it? We aren’t like in a constant state of enjoyment… there are ups and downs, I’ve just been on the down for a while now.
I did end up going to the pot luck. It wasn’t horrible. Benny is not a hot 40 something stud… but I am glad I went. I don’t know if I will go to the next one in four weeks or not. I actually would like to host it but that’s just because I like showing off, my home, my cooking skills and what not. I will not host it because, 10 dogs. And that is OK too.
I’m beyond tied. I am sleepy tired and soul tired. I have been sleeping a little better but I don’t feel rested when I wake up. My soul is tired of dealing with life and the people in it. I will continue to trudge forward and try to make the best of what is.
I’m lost. I don’t know what to do or who to be. I’m finding it difficult to write because I am numb. I have blocked off all my emotions, but occasionally they spill out. My normal tactic of staying busy isn’t working because I don’t have the gumption to do things. I’m scared to start projects or reach out for help because I either won’t finish them or there is no help to be had. I am beyond sad and really tired of me. I need guidance and a sounding board but there isn’t any.
You should do this or you should do that, doesn’t help because I need a hand to guide me through it. I want to give up but I’m not allowed to.