Graduation Day

So, today is the day my son graduates. We’ve been on this “journey” together since 2nd grade. Nine years after we started doing school at home and we’ve reached the pinnacle of graduation. It is pretty amazing to me that we actually made it. There were many many days that I couldn’t imagine we’d last 9 years. There were plenty of days filled with fighting, yelling and crying (he’d yell, I’d cry) but the last two years he’s really pulled through and held up his end.
The last year of my mom’s life was tough on all of us. She needed me more and was sick or in the hospital more often. After she died, he was such a supportive dude. I can’t even estimate the number of nights I couldn’t sleep and he’d keep me company. He really grew up in the last year. I know deep in his heart he wishes she could have been here to see this day, but he also knows she was tired of fighting to breathe. She would have made him feel special and uncomfortable all in one. I know I will miss her more today than I should and I do worry I might ugly cry but I will brave through it to support my son and help him fight his fears and uncertainty of the day. And his future.
Next brave step for him, drivers license!

I am nothing.

Somewhere in my life i got the impression that if i made the people i love a priority, made them special,  made them matter, then I too would matter,  be special or become a priority.  But I was wrong at the end of the day,  I only matter when they want, for what I can do, bring, offer. I am so easily discounted, toss aside, discarded when something or  someone better comes along.

She’ll always be there,  no matter how much we neglect her, no matter how rudely we speak to her, no matter how much we take advantage or expect from her,  she’ll be there.

No guilt.

Inmate : MARK
Sender : Amy
Date : 4/18/2018 12:29:52 AM EST,

Letter ID: 111581435

For the record, tough love or telling me what to do will get you nowhere. I wasn’t writing you before mom died, nor
was I talking to you on the phone and I don’t owe you anything. The memories you have of me are of a little girl and
even a young lady but I am much older now and fully capable of taking care of myself, my children and my life. I know
Nancy is more than willing to accept phone calls but I am not. I have yet to turn one down either, which you seem to
think I do. If I don’t answer the phone because I’m busy, asleep or away from the phone it just doesn’t go through and
it isn’t answered but doesn’t mean it’s be denied.
I have lived my entire life doing things for other people out of guilt or because I was “supposed” to. But I’m not doing
that anymore. I took care of mom because I wanted to, I was the person she wanted with her when she died. I’ll take
care of my children (who are now both adults) and I’ll take care of my dogs but I answer to no one anymore. I will not
do things because others expect it, require it, or demand it. I will not do things because I “should” or I “owe” them
something. I don’t owe anyone anything. Mom was the last person I owed something to and even then I didn’t have to
do anything. I chose to.
I don’t have things to write about, I live my life, I cook meals, clean my house, pick up dog shit, mow my yard, do
school work, drive people to appointments, bathe and sleep. In between all that I sometimes eat, go to therapy, listen
to music and sometimes if I’m lucky I laugh. People have been sucking me dry for years so the last thing I need is for
someone else to want something from me. If I want to give, I will. If I don’t, I won’t. The only reason you even have my
phone number is because I was the one to find a way to call you. Done. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings but it is
what it is.
We are wrapping up the school year and preparing for graduation. He’ll take finals on the 16th and 17th of May then
graduate on the 23rd. It is coming fast and there is still a lot left to do to prepare. I have gotten his cap and gown in
the mail though. I assume Karl’s parents will come up for the graduation and that means I will be busy getting my
house in order for them. I highly doubt anyone from Boise will come so it will be a small affair which I’m sure my son
is thankful for.
After that, I have no plans at all. I will have raised my children and should be free to do whatever I please. Within
reason… I’d like to go visit Nancy and see her new place. Maybe meet the new grandbaby if I wait that long. But then
again who knows… it’s not like I’ve got money to burn.
So there ya go, you’ve been told. You know where I’m coming from and how I feel. You can continue to write to me if
you’d like and when I have time to write back or something good/interesting to write about I’ll write you back.
Hope you are doing well.

Fight the demons

I took her to the mall.

I wanted it to be a fun day.

Just her and I, enjoying our time together.

We didn’t.


This song came out in the prime of my husband’s drug use. I used to play it super loud whenever he was in the car with me. I mentioned how much I liked it. He knew it meant something to me, but he never realized it was my anthem to him. He never put it together.

On the way home from therapy last week, I was overcome with sadness and cried most of the way home. The idea that I never mattered was prominent. I never mattered to my parents…
I never mattered to my husband.
I just wasn’t important enough.

Example when I had the worst kidney infection of my life. I called my husband at work and told him I was in terrible pain, asked him to come home so he could drive me to urgent care because I didn’t think I could drive myself. He got super upset, but eventually came home about an hour later. Took me to the urgent care, texted on his phone while we waited, I was silently crying and going back and forth to the bathroom. Finally an hour later, I’m seen and sent off with prescriptions. He’s so busy calling his assistant manager to cover his shift for the next day, while I’m sitting in the car waiting to go get meds. He made it all about him having to take the next day off work, when I never asked him to do that. I was peeing blood…
When I had a horrible cough and sinus infection for two months… I went to three doctors on my own. When I had mono so bad I could hardly stand but I drove myself to the doctor. When I was having chest pains and was actually worried, but I drove myself to the hospital…
Same deal when I was a kid… when I broke my collarbone and we finished getting firewood before we went to the hospital. I didn’t matter then… When my sister cut her leg open and we could literally see the bone, we played cards until my dad finally came home to take her to the hospital. We didn’t matter.

That time my husband and I were both super sick, I called him to come get me and we both went to urgent care. My fever was higher than his and the nurse was like, your wife is much sicker. But later I slept on the floor while he slept on the couch… I never mattered.

So when I had kids, I finally mattered. Someone loved me and I was the most important person to them. They loved me, I mattered to them and they mattered most to me. I was finally worth being loved.

I give myself an F.

This song is from a son to/about his parent but it’s very fitting for me. I feel I’ve let my parents down and at the same time I’ve let my children down. My son turned 18 today. It should have been a great day, it should have been fun, it should have been something to remember. It will be something to remember because it was shit. I hope instead he remembers me laying on his bed with him, goofing off and the two of us laughing together over nothing. I hope he remembers that I cried with him and I understood his pains. I hope he remembers that I tried and failed time and time again, but I kept trying for him.

I should have fought harder for my kids to be able to do things. I shouldn’t have let fear rule me. I should have left their dad years ago. I knew even before my son was born, and more so shortly there after I should have left. I remember very clearly the day I went to pick up my daughter from school with my infant son in the back seat. We were parked on the side of the road, it was pouring rain and I called my mom. I remember crying to her and I remember I didn’t want to go home. But I did. I didn’t know how I would survive without his income. How could I support myself and my children?

I couldn’t even go to the grocery store… but I did drive across town and go to costco every month and I did go across town in the other direction to Target. Why couldn’t I see that I didn’t have to be afraid?

When we moved here, my son was only two but the neighbors had two boys, 1yr and 2 yrs old. Perfect friend material… but my husband was against it. “Then they’ll want to come over all the time.” “They’ll expect us to be friendly.” “You know how hard it is for you to have people in your space.” “They are mormons and they’ll preach to us.” Years and years went by, finally I said enough and let my son play with the neighbor boy but only when his dad wasn’t around. I even taught their son how to ride a bike, because his mom was pregnant. They were different than us, but they were never preachy. They were very open minded people. He missed out on so much friendship and time. They could have literally done the tin cans and string… I should have fought for him.

My son feels like he lost out on his childhood. He feels like his dad never let him do anything. My son wanted a skateboard his dad said no way. At Easter, I found an Easter basket with a mini skateboard in it. I showed it to my husband and ask if it was ok if I bought it. He agreed, then when I brought it home and gave it to my son my husband threw a fit. Ranted and raved, ruined Easter because how dare I buy this thing that would cause my son to break an arm or leg… he relented in the end and my son was allowed to ride it on the carpet in the house only. At that point my son didn’t even want it. He never learned to skateboard…

We had a secret rule in our house if you got hurt you shut that shit down. We hid it because it would make my husband mad. He would say he was mad that he had allowed whomever to be hurt but you only ever felt like he was mad at you for being hurt. So the kids and I hid every injury. When the dog bit my son, we made him wear long sleeved shirts during the summer until it healed, when I cut my leg open and was gushing blood we all ran to the bathroom to make it stop… my son was upset saying I needed stitches and I kept telling him to be quiet so dad wouldn’t hear.

My husband had lots of rules, no running in the house, so we ran when he wasn’t home. No talking while the tv was on, so we used to yell when he wasn’t home. No visiting friends, so I let my son go to the neighbors when my husband wasn’t home. No riding your bike other than in the cul de sac, so I let my son ride down the hill when my husband wasn’t home. Lots of stupid little rules…

He would call on his way home or before he came home from work and I could gauge what kind of mood he was in. If he was in a bad mood I would warn the kids to be quiet and good, no fighting and leave dad alone. Depending on his mood, the kids might even shut themselves and the dogs in another room to avoid upsetting their dad.

He was never the kind of dad or husband that was happy to see us. Happy to be home to spend time with us. He just wanted to be left alone, or for me to watch tv with him. Ok, guys, dad is in a bad mood. After dinner I am going to watch tv with him, so you guys be good and try not to interrupt us. If you need me be really quiet and get my attention. I’ll come out and check on you from time to time… Just hang out on your computers, or watch tv and enjoy your time quietly in the playroom.

God, I was a horrible mother.