After You

You came into her life as the most welcome guest. She accepted you with every bit of her heart. She gave you her soul, body and mind and you threw all that away so easily and proudly. You tore her heart apart. You broke her.

All she ever wanted was to be loved and respected. That’s everything she expected from you. Did she ask for too much? No, I find that hard to believe.

She always treated you with respect and admiration. She often neglected and forgot about her needs, wishes and problems so that she could take care of your own. You were here pride, her missing half, her guiding light. You were her all.

And what did you do? It was easier for you to trample on her pride and heart than to acknowledge her kindness and generosity. Yeah, don’t worry – you successfully managed to shatter her hopes and confidence into countless pieces. Does this make you happy and contend with yourself?

The sad thing is that he never did anything to deserve your cruel treatment. She never deserved to put up with your BS. She was the kind of person that was very easy to love, respect and admire, but you never realized that or maybe you didn’t want to see it.

Oh, and I know. I know that many will say that she should have been stronger. That she should have stood up for herself and shown dignity. That maybe it was her fault for letting her “awesome” guy take advantage of her and emotionally abuse her. And that is she had shown resilience, courage and had more self-confidence, she wouldn’t have suffered. But, it was not that easy.

She knew deep down that things weren’t right. She knew her relationship was not what she signed up for. The little voice in her head screaming to her, “Run! Run the fasted that you can and never look back!” But, she couldn’t. She couldn’t let go of him. She fell into his toxic trap and let him have control over her mind. He got under her skin and could do to her heart whatever he wanted.

After you broke her, she changed. She became a completely different person from the one she was before she met you. After you broke her:

She guards her heart.

It was you who broke it into tiny pieces, you remember that, right? You taught her that love can leave deep scars on her body and soul that will never be completely healed. And now she hides her heart within herself. She doesn’t let anyone come near it. She’s afraid that her painful past can repeate itself again.

She doesn’t trust anyone.

She believed you were the loving, kind, unselfish person she fell in love with the first time she met you. But it turned out you were nothing else, but the evil itself in disguise. You were a vampire who sucked the happiness out of her. Now, she thinks twice before she lets other people in her life. Now, she doubts everything that others tell her.

She knows how to fake her feelings.

Before she met you, she was the most honest person. She was never afraid to show her emotions openly, no matter if she was happy or sad. But, when you can into her life, you showed her what real suffering looked like and this devastated her hopes and spirit. Because of that, she started feeling ashamed of her own thoughts and feelings. She didn’t want anyone to know how she felt and what she was going through.

Now, she can put a smile on her face even though she’s crying inside. Now, she laughs even though her whole body aches. She says she’s find although a lot of things are weighing her down. She behaves carelessly even though she’s carrying a heavy burden on her shoulders. Now, her face is bright although she lives in darkness.

Yeah, it seems too unfair or depressing but this is what she turned into after you broke her.

 

(Melanie, I’m good…. I just had this saved on my computer and wanted to delete it, but wanted to save it also.)

Gone Already.

I present a strong facade. I can handle this, I can cope but instead I turn off. I go through the motions of living, taking care of others, taking care of my duties as a wife, mother, pet owner and used to be a daughter. I am no longer a daughter for I no longer have parents.

In reality, I am broken and would like to be carried, just for a bit. Someone to hold me and make me feel safe and protected, even for a few moments. To matter, to be important enough to be put first.

I want to be a princess, to be special, to be loved and cared about just a small fraction of time.

I’m exhausted. I’ve got nothing left to give. I can’t carry the weight of this life anymore. I don’t even like me.

I don’t want to die and I do look forward to a new and better life.

But I do want to give up, I do want to stop living.

If I didn’t have my kids or my dogs, I’d be gone already.

Lying to myself

I hate life. It is so hard to keep moving forward, waking up each day when there is so much suck in the world. A man posts a picture of his dog that was hit by a car and died. A friend talks about how her mom bought a gun because she saw a “kill muslim day” on facebook. My daughter struggles with her own self on her birthday. My sister had to put her dog to sleep. I image the day when I too will have to put one of my older dogs to sleep. I struggle to find positive things.  I wake up each day with a little bit of dread. I see a sweet dog face next to me and think I can do it, I can face another day but then as the day goes on I’m just exhausted from faking my way through life. Smiling when I  don’t have a reason to smile.

It’s just so absolutely draining. The bad times seem to last so long but the good times seem so quick and fleeting. I struggle to find good, I struggle to stay upbeat, I struggle to want to wake up each day, I struggle to not just want out of this horrible world filled with horrible things and horrible people. I’ve been fighting being sad for so long, trying to keep positive, trying to keep looking for the good and the happy but the bad just keep stomping me to the ground, crushing my soul.

I think to myself if I can just make it through this hour, this day, this week things will get better. If I make this change, things will get better. If I do this thing, things will get better. But there just is no better, I’ve just been fooling myself and telling my children lies. There is the quote that goes with the stopping suicide movement, stopping bullying movement, “it gets better.” It doesn’t, it’s a lie we tell ourselves and others so they won’t give up.