Christmas came and Christmas went without a mom, without presents from my family. I really didn’t expect there to be presents but I guess somewhere deep down I had hope that one of them would do something for me… Nope. He could have had he wanted too. It really wouldn’t have been hard.
New years came and went with only the slightest recognition. Take out but he had to ruin that too. Such a child, I’m actually embarrassed for him… Well I would be if I wasn’t so busy feeling sorry for me.
I have no hope for my future. I am completely hopeless. I’m beyond depressed and so wish I could just not wake up in the morning. Die in my sleep. Nope need to get this kid graduated then we’ll see what I can do for myself
I’m so tired of being me…
Just about every day there is some type of challenge issued to me. Constant button pushing… Act like an ass then stare at me and ask me “What?” You know damn well you are challenging me to fight back or to wither up and die. Sometimes I have time to play your game, sometimes I don’t but most of the time I just don’t have the energy. I honestly do not like you, I love you because I’ve always loved you and I know other thing… but I do not like you.
You asked me once if it made my skin crawl when you touched me, I said no. It doesn’t make my skin crawl but I don’t like it. Especially today when you did what you did. What on earth makes you think I would like that, want that or approve of that? You are stupid. You don’t care about anyone but yourself.
I can’t even find the words to express how miserable I am. But it wouldn’t matter to you. It has never mattered to you, because in the end I don’t matter to you.
I want to give up. I am so tired of living. I’m tired of struggling through each day, dreading the next. I don’t see anything better, brighter… It will just be the same old shit. I hear my train, the one that will be mine some day, if I live here long enough. I imagine standing beside the tracks, then just at the last minute, step in front. I’m sorry conductor guy. Don’t feel bad.
I hope I’m brave enough, I’d rather jump from somewhere high, but there’s no where liked that here. How exhilerating to free fall to death. To be free…
Mom, why did you have to go and leave me here? My life was still much better with you in it. I’m empty.