I want to hide.

I did  it, I went dancing. It was ok. It was mainly older people. No one there was even close to my age, which was ok. Did I have fun? I wouldn’t say it was fun but it wasn’t horrible. Maybe it was fun and I don’t even know what fun is. But it was a LOT of touching strangers, kisses on the cheek and lips… hand holding, just a lot out of my comfort zone. The man comes to the table, puts out his hand, leads you to the floor, you dance, they hug and kiss you, then thank you, holds your hand back to the table. Just a lot of touching. I also felt extremely stupid messing up the incredibly easy steps.

Now though I feel trapped. I know they will ask me to go again and a person can only say no so many times, specially when no is one of the hardest words to say.

I was exhausted when I woke up and dreamt weird dreams most of the night. But then I also had incredibly weird dreams the night before too. My fitbit tells me I dreamt for a little over 3 hours the night before and last night was about 2½ hours of dreams. That is a lot of dreams. Weird ones, rescuing people, running from people…. being lost, not being able to find my way out of places, being trapped.

I will probably spend the next few days avoiding these people. I laughed to much, I opened up to much. I said “my mom” too much and overall I just felt too much.

I can’t explain how trapped I feel and how I want to revert to not talking to anyone because then they want you to talk more. I’ve always said I didn’t want friends because being a decent friend is always a lot of work and you have to be there for then when you don’t want to or don’t have the energy to. I used to say that as a comfort for myself I think but it really is somewhat true.

I’ve always loved my online friends because they aren’t nearby, they can’t just make random demands of me. I feel vulnerable now, exposed and overwhelmed.

I want to hide but I want to live. So conflicted. I don’t know what I want.

I’m not…

It’s almost 2:30am, do you know where your mind is? Mine is on my mom… it’s been there all day. It has been a year and a half since my mom died. 79½ weeks, 556 days, 13,344 hours since my mom exhalled her last breath. When she was finally able to completely exhale. When you have COPD you can’t completely exhale, which in turn means you can’t inhale enough and with each passing breath you inhale less and less over time. Your lung continue to wither, shrink, fill with fluids and you die.

I miss her, the pain of missing her only continues to grow and at times I’m still hit with shock and fresh pain. My mom grounded me, she made me who I was. Without her I feel untethered, without roots, without a safe place.

I can’t help but feel I got fucked… I hate that I feel that way. So ungrateful and greedy but I didn’t have enough time with my parents..

Existing is sometimes living.

Grief group was hard today. We talked about trauma and how it has affected us. With the lady (another Amy) she discussed how she was dealing with trauma after the fact. Her person had died in a car accident and she was talking about how she’d be driving and would suddenly notice that she was off on the side of the road.

I talked about how I dealt with my mom dying and that I would be completely calm and normal when I was with my mom, then step away for a moment and lose my mind in another room, then come right back and be normal again. That although I knew she was dying I acted as if it was just another normal day in the world. At the time I had no knowledge of  dissasociation and what that all meant. Now of course I have way more knowledge about it. I hadn’t talked about watching my mom die for a long time and the tears flowed down my face.  I could picture it clearly in my head and I hadn’t been to that location of my brain for a while.

I decided to drive past my mom’s house just to look, I guess. It looked completely the same, the lawn ornaments still in their place, (they ones we didn’t take, I took her favorites or maybe my favorites but the ones I knew meant something to her.) The lady hasn’t changed anything on the outside. I came home and cried for a bit then fell asleep in my son’s bed with him laying nearby. When I woke up it was time to go to therapy and he was asleep so we snuck out.

I’ve been down, I feel defeated and I am struggling to push myself forward, to keep going, keep doing things. I’d really rather just sleep for days or forever. I am just going through the motions of living without really enjoying life…I mean that is kind of life anyway isn’t it? We aren’t like in a constant state of enjoyment… there are ups and downs, I’ve just been on the down for a while now.

I did end up going to the pot luck. It wasn’t horrible. Benny is not a hot 40 something stud… but I am glad I went. I don’t know if I will go to the next one in four weeks or not. I actually would like to host it but that’s just because I like showing off, my home, my cooking skills and what not. I will not host it because, 10 dogs. And that is OK too.

I’m beyond tied. I am sleepy tired and soul tired. I have been sleeping a little better but I don’t feel rested when I wake up. My soul is tired of dealing with life and the people in it. I will continue to trudge forward and try to make the best of what is.

Silent Treatment.

I am worthless

I am currently being given the silent treatment by  “the child” I called him out on something and he shut me right down. I believe he lied to me as well. But then I became almost obsessed with needing an answer or reply.  This was a couple of day ago and today I am less fixated on him. I still checked messenger too many times and am still bothered that he hasn’t reached out. I don’t understand why I am like that… I don’t like it,

I used to get so bothered when my husband gave me the silent treatment. I have never liked silence during an argument and he knew that. He would sit there staring at me. It unnerves me.


I’m lost. I don’t know what to do or who to be. I’m finding it difficult to write because I am numb. I have blocked off all my emotions, but occasionally they spill out. My normal tactic of staying busy isn’t working because I don’t have the gumption to do things. I’m scared to start projects or reach out for help because I either won’t finish them or there is no help to be had. I am beyond sad and really tired of me. I need guidance and a sounding board but there isn’t any.

You should do this or you should do that, doesn’t help because I need a hand to guide me through it. I want to give up but I’m not allowed to.

Just lost…

It’s ok, I’m used to it.

Being with a selfish person can slowly make you distrust yourself and become a stranger to who you once were. You don’t want to lose them, but a part of you knows that you are losing yourself to keep them by your side. This is how a selfish partner can drain your soul.

1. They make you question your self-worth
A selfish partner is often so self-obsessed that you become a means to an end. When they don’t get what they want, they attack your self-esteem and make you doubt yourself.

2. They make guilt your constant companion
When you are with your partner, it doesn’t feel as fun and happy as before. You are constantly battling guilt, either for doing what you want or simply feeling the things couple feel and expect from each other.

3. They rob you of your spontaneity
A selfish person who uses guilt or anger to control you makes you overly cautious. You don’t say what you feel or allow yourself to be free. You pick your words and walk on eggshells, which kills that part of you that is free-spirited and in love with life.

4. They confuse love with sacrifice
Every time you say no to a selfish partner, they make you feel like a horrible person. Love doesn’t demand that you give up who you are. Sacrifice leads to resentment, especially if it is always one person giving up their needs.

5. They make it YOU vs. LOVE
Almost all arguments end in you having to choose between being who you truly are and loving them. True love encourages you to be who you are and become a better version of yourself.

6. You learn to put your needs second
This is by far the most dangerous of ill-effects. You adapt to your partner’s whims and fancies that you stop doing things for yourself that are important. This even impacts basic needs like going to sleep on time, getting enough rest, eating on time, getting time alone to unwind, etc.

7. You begin to disregard your own feelings
You first stop expressing your feelings to your partner openly. Then you begin to judge your emotions as silly or dramatic (which is what your partner wants you to believe). Then you lose touch with your feelings and don’t know what you feel anymore.

8. They lie or hurt you and blame you for it
If they are caught lying or found to be doing something that hurts you, they turn the table and makes it seem like you were responsible for it. Apart from the pain caused by them, you also end up feeling guilty for something you didn’t do.

9. You end up being the emotional caretaker
Selfish people are not always aggressive. They also come in the form of weak, dependent partners who refuse to grow up and take responsibility for themselves. They seem to have a banner above that says “poor me, what will I do if you don’t help me?”

10. You end up with scars for life
Being with a selfish partner for long can have a big impact on your self-esteem and emotional health. You often end up carrying so much baggage and doubting your own worth that it’s hard for you to be vulnerable with others.

11. They strip away your trust in people
Because of their constant need to be right and their lack of empathy for others, they end up making you lose trust in people. You take a lot of time to open up and wonder if someone is genuine or acting nice with a secret agenda.

12. You don’t laugh as much anymore
A selfish partner who uses emotional manipulation can make you lose your innate joy. You find yourself being exhausted or tired. You barely break into a giggle, let alone have a deep belly laugh.

Anxiety Disorders And Major Depression Are Linked To Narcissistic Abuse

Nowadays considered as a disorder, anxiety has got its evolutionary roots back in the earliest beginnings of human evolution. Humans needed it to survive in the harsh and unpredictable environment they lived in.

Anxiety nowadays is considered to be an inexplicable feeling of unease, nervousness, and worry. It’s true that we have come too far to be affected by the same conditions which gave rise to the protective role of anxiety for our ancestors. So why and how does it occur now?

A lot of literature connects today’s anxiety disorders to some kind of psychological and emotional abuse during the person’s childhood. It has been found that early-life stress has a profound effect on the Central Nervous System (CNS) and that the same effect can occur in adults.

This abuse is now discussed as a major factor contributing to anxiety disorders, major depression, and PTSD. In fact, it has been established that psychological abuse is more detrimental than physical aggression and that it leaves a deep scar in the victim’s mental health.

Children who have been victims of psychological abuse don’t necessarily develop anxiety in their lives, but such traumatic events in times where their brains are still developing contribute to supersensitivity in the neuroendocrine stress response systems.

This means that any additional stress from emotional or psychological abuse later in life bears a high possibility of triggering psychological disorders such as anxiety and major depression.

Narcissistic abuse is one of the most harmful types of psychological abuse. It renders the victim unable to think and reason clearly due to the increased stress and the eventual adrenal fatigue.

This, in turn, triggers a number of possible outcomes, among which the most devastating effect could be an anxiety disorder, major depression, or both. This further increases your susceptibility to the narcissistic abuse and your inability to escape it.

That is why some victims tend to remain in the victim-abuser loop until the rest of their lives and are not even aware that their abuser feeds off them with every passing day.

The most common targets for a narcissist are people who are empathetic, compassionate and choose to see the best in others. This sensitive type of people will choose to trust and understand the narcissist.

And this is what they need to start weaving their web around their good-willing victims. In the process of their flawless manipulation, they will use whatever means necessary to make their victim feel smaller and more dependent on them.

They do it by constantly trying to lower their self-confidence and make their victims believe that they are going crazy. If they see themselves caught in the act, they will skillfully get out of the situation by convincing the other person that they are imagining the situation and are psychologically unstable.

While this is not the truth, you know what they say: a lie told a hundred times becomes truth. The more they make their victim question their morality, sanity, and ability to love unconditionally, the more they nail them to their cross and feed off them.

From the victim perspective, this lowered state and constant stress will eventually lead to adrenal fatigue and a constant fear that they may be doing something wrong. In certain cases, the victims start avoiding people, feel unable to function properly, and are generally in a disabled state.

This process is what will eventually lead the victim to a state of a shattered self-confidence and a completely destroyed mental state, where a lot of mental disorders have a space to start festering.

In this state, the victim is prone to develop extreme social anxiety, illnesses related to pervasive stress, a complete sense of disassociation from the self, and symptoms of major depression.

If you find yourself in such situation, it’s best that you talk to a psychologist and ask for help. While there are people who are able to recognize narcissistic abuse and get out of that relationship before it develops, some people are very much trapped in the cycle and find it impossible to get out.

It’s not that they don’t want to, but the psychological damage they have endured has left them unable to fight off the abuser and has made them shut themselves off from the rest of the world.

Psychological abuse is more dangerous than physical abuse. It leaves terrible consequences on the mental health of the victim and it renders them unable to recognize it.

In the case of narcissistic abuse, the victim will be certain that they are the ones who are in the wrong, and they will blame themselves for the dark reality they are in. This, of course, is far from the truth.

If you are or have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, know that it has never been your fault and that you did your best to pull that disturbed soul out of its own darkness. The truth is, most narcissists prefer their darkness, and they want to pull you in it.

Spread the awareness!

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