Physical Pain

I can’t, I just can’t. The pain is so intense. She was my very best friend. I had lost her, the real her a couple of years ago but losing all of her is killing me. I just want to go to her house and see her sitting there and being so happy to see me. My siblings hurt and I don’t want to take that away from them but they don’t, they cant hurt the same as I hurt. She was part of me, she became my child. I lived for her. I know I’ve got my kids, my husband and my dogs but I feel like I’ve got nothing left.

She’s gone

My momma is gone. My very bestest momma, my very bestest friend, has gone to meet my daddy and all the rest of those she loves and misses. I can’t believe she’s gone. I miss her already so very much.

This can’t be happening.

1:55am I need sleep, more than 30 minutes to an hour sleep and somewhere other than a recliner or the floor. My people are helpful but not enough. I’m tired.

4:45am – Ashlee and Antone sat with mom, I slept for a while, next to her, Then she started getting sick. Weird kind of sick…

10:05 am – the nurse was here. She asked if I had read this page.

This can’t be real. She’s going to get better.

 

Today is my brothers birthday…

 

7:20 pm – Mom was able to see her kids today, through Skype or in person. I believe it brought her peace. I hope my dad is with her now and he will be helping her cross into heaven soon so they can be together again. She’s been my best friend and I’ll miss her every day. I love you forever momma

8:30 pm – She took a pause in her breathing, she said, “is that how you do it? Am I gone? Honey, you’ve got to call an official.” Earlier she told Ashlee she better get the law out here because she didn’t want us getting blamed.

 

11:25 pm This is torture, I don’t want to let her go. I know I have to, I want her suffering to end, I know she’s tired but she’s MINE and I still NEED her. She sleeping, I should be too but the tears just run. I can’t… it is too much

 

 

My silly mom

8:30 pm – Tonight as I was walking my mom from the walker to the bed she said “you think you’re so smart don’t you? ” I didn’t respond. She smiled and said, “cause you’re taller than me.” She’s still cute.

 

11:35 am – Yesterday horrible, today not much better. Saw nurse twice yesterday and so far twice today. She’s in and out, here and not. It’s not looking good

5 am

5:10 am – can’t sleep. I play out these scenarios. I need to get a picture, one more picture of her and I. We picked out her flowers yesterday and made a list of people she’d like to know. I can’t imagine the calls…Is this the morning I go over and she’s not alive? Please when the time comes, don’t say what a blessing….

 

9:15 am – She was sitting up at her table when I came in. The table was moved as if she’d crashed into it. She’d been throwing up. She wanted to call but didn’t know how. Our plan is to move her to my house today.

A visit

My brother and his family came to visit my mom this weekend. I was supposed to take the weekend off and breath. It didn’t work out that way, I could blame and others have but it doesn’t really matter. She wasn’t feeling well and didn’t get proper care so the nurse was called out, by me and I spent the entire weekend over there. Thankfully she’s feeling better tonight and more like herself. I’m tired, very tired, to the center of my being.

Love yous

Headed home, visited with mom, got her ready for bed, some meds, ice water, and lotioned her frail tiny arms and legs. Hugs and kisses and call me if you need me. I love yous and goodnight, momma. I’ll see you in the morning.

Making arrangements

RN monday, Chaplin Tuesday, Social worker tomorrow, RN Thursday, Friday visit with her doctor to say goodbye…. Friday night, my brother comes. Next week funeral home comes to plan. Each of those days we drag out things, make lists, make plans, discuss how much she wants to be done, how soon it could come, how horrible it would be to drag out… I get it, but I hate it. How many times can a “child” hear that their parent wants to die. I cry every day… I can’t imagine my world without her. She does seem to be improving a little, at times and other times not so much. I feel like a child, that will be an orphan… no grownups that are mine.