I want to hide.

I did  it, I went dancing. It was ok. It was mainly older people. No one there was even close to my age, which was ok. Did I have fun? I wouldn’t say it was fun but it wasn’t horrible. Maybe it was fun and I don’t even know what fun is. But it was a LOT of touching strangers, kisses on the cheek and lips… hand holding, just a lot out of my comfort zone. The man comes to the table, puts out his hand, leads you to the floor, you dance, they hug and kiss you, then thank you, holds your hand back to the table. Just a lot of touching. I also felt extremely stupid messing up the incredibly easy steps.

Now though I feel trapped. I know they will ask me to go again and a person can only say no so many times, specially when no is one of the hardest words to say.

I was exhausted when I woke up and dreamt weird dreams most of the night. But then I also had incredibly weird dreams the night before too. My fitbit tells me I dreamt for a little over 3 hours the night before and last night was about 2½ hours of dreams. That is a lot of dreams. Weird ones, rescuing people, running from people…. being lost, not being able to find my way out of places, being trapped.

I will probably spend the next few days avoiding these people. I laughed to much, I opened up to much. I said “my mom” too much and overall I just felt too much.

I can’t explain how trapped I feel and how I want to revert to not talking to anyone because then they want you to talk more. I’ve always said I didn’t want friends because being a decent friend is always a lot of work and you have to be there for then when you don’t want to or don’t have the energy to. I used to say that as a comfort for myself I think but it really is somewhat true.

I’ve always loved my online friends because they aren’t nearby, they can’t just make random demands of me. I feel vulnerable now, exposed and overwhelmed.

I want to hide but I want to live. So conflicted. I don’t know what I want.