It’s almost 2:30am, do you know where your mind is? Mine is on my mom… it’s been there all day. It has been a year and a half since my mom died. 79½ weeks, 556 days, 13,344 hours since my mom exhalled her last breath. When she was finally able to completely exhale. When you have COPD you can’t completely exhale, which in turn means you can’t inhale enough and with each passing breath you inhale less and less over time. Your lung continue to wither, shrink, fill with fluids and you die.
I miss her, the pain of missing her only continues to grow and at times I’m still hit with shock and fresh pain. My mom grounded me, she made me who I was. Without her I feel untethered, without roots, without a safe place.
I can’t help but feel I got fucked… I hate that I feel that way. So ungrateful and greedy but I didn’t have enough time with my parents..
Grief group was hard today. We talked about trauma and how it has affected us. With the lady (another Amy) she discussed how she was dealing with trauma after the fact. Her person had died in a car accident and she was talking about how she’d be driving and would suddenly notice that she was off on the side of the road.
I talked about how I dealt with my mom dying and that I would be completely calm and normal when I was with my mom, then step away for a moment and lose my mind in another room, then come right back and be normal again. That although I knew she was dying I acted as if it was just another normal day in the world. At the time I had no knowledge of dissasociation and what that all meant. Now of course I have way more knowledge about it. I hadn’t talked about watching my mom die for a long time and the tears flowed down my face. I could picture it clearly in my head and I hadn’t been to that location of my brain for a while.
I decided to drive past my mom’s house just to look, I guess. It looked completely the same, the lawn ornaments still in their place, (they ones we didn’t take, I took her favorites or maybe my favorites but the ones I knew meant something to her.) The lady hasn’t changed anything on the outside. I came home and cried for a bit then fell asleep in my son’s bed with him laying nearby. When I woke up it was time to go to therapy and he was asleep so we snuck out.
I’ve been down, I feel defeated and I am struggling to push myself forward, to keep going, keep doing things. I’d really rather just sleep for days or forever. I am just going through the motions of living without really enjoying life…I mean that is kind of life anyway isn’t it? We aren’t like in a constant state of enjoyment… there are ups and downs, I’ve just been on the down for a while now.
I did end up going to the pot luck. It wasn’t horrible. Benny is not a hot 40 something stud… but I am glad I went. I don’t know if I will go to the next one in four weeks or not. I actually would like to host it but that’s just because I like showing off, my home, my cooking skills and what not. I will not host it because, 10 dogs. And that is OK too.
I’m beyond tied. I am sleepy tired and soul tired. I have been sleeping a little better but I don’t feel rested when I wake up. My soul is tired of dealing with life and the people in it. I will continue to trudge forward and try to make the best of what is.
I am currently being given the silent treatment by “the child” I called him out on something and he shut me right down. I believe he lied to me as well. But then I became almost obsessed with needing an answer or reply. This was a couple of day ago and today I am less fixated on him. I still checked messenger too many times and am still bothered that he hasn’t reached out. I don’t understand why I am like that… I don’t like it,
I used to get so bothered when my husband gave me the silent treatment. I have never liked silence during an argument and he knew that. He would sit there staring at me. It unnerves me.
I’m lost. I don’t know what to do or who to be. I’m finding it difficult to write because I am numb. I have blocked off all my emotions, but occasionally they spill out. My normal tactic of staying busy isn’t working because I don’t have the gumption to do things. I’m scared to start projects or reach out for help because I either won’t finish them or there is no help to be had. I am beyond sad and really tired of me. I need guidance and a sounding board but there isn’t any.
You should do this or you should do that, doesn’t help because I need a hand to guide me through it. I want to give up but I’m not allowed to.