I feel my heart sinking.


I’m right back there. Thoughts overwhelming my brain. Tears trying to escape. I want to scream. Stomp my feet. Throw hissy fit.

I want my mom back! I WANT MY MOM BACK!

This was the day I brought my mom to my house. I made my bed with her sheets and bedspread, so she’d feel at home. When she asked, “where am I?” I said well who’s bed does it look like you’re in? It felt good when she said “mine.”

I miss her. I long to hear her voice or feel her hand in mine.

No guilt.

Inmate : MARK
Sender : Amy
Date : 4/18/2018 12:29:52 AM EST,

Letter ID: 111581435

Hey,
For the record, tough love or telling me what to do will get you nowhere. I wasn’t writing you before mom died, nor
was I talking to you on the phone and I don’t owe you anything. The memories you have of me are of a little girl and
even a young lady but I am much older now and fully capable of taking care of myself, my children and my life. I know
Nancy is more than willing to accept phone calls but I am not. I have yet to turn one down either, which you seem to
think I do. If I don’t answer the phone because I’m busy, asleep or away from the phone it just doesn’t go through and
it isn’t answered but doesn’t mean it’s be denied.
I have lived my entire life doing things for other people out of guilt or because I was “supposed” to. But I’m not doing
that anymore. I took care of mom because I wanted to, I was the person she wanted with her when she died. I’ll take
care of my children (who are now both adults) and I’ll take care of my dogs but I answer to no one anymore. I will not
do things because others expect it, require it, or demand it. I will not do things because I “should” or I “owe” them
something. I don’t owe anyone anything. Mom was the last person I owed something to and even then I didn’t have to
do anything. I chose to.
I don’t have things to write about, I live my life, I cook meals, clean my house, pick up dog shit, mow my yard, do
school work, drive people to appointments, bathe and sleep. In between all that I sometimes eat, go to therapy, listen
to music and sometimes if I’m lucky I laugh. People have been sucking me dry for years so the last thing I need is for
someone else to want something from me. If I want to give, I will. If I don’t, I won’t. The only reason you even have my
phone number is because I was the one to find a way to call you. Done. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings but it is
what it is.
We are wrapping up the school year and preparing for graduation. He’ll take finals on the 16th and 17th of May then
graduate on the 23rd. It is coming fast and there is still a lot left to do to prepare. I have gotten his cap and gown in
the mail though. I assume Karl’s parents will come up for the graduation and that means I will be busy getting my
house in order for them. I highly doubt anyone from Boise will come so it will be a small affair which I’m sure my son
is thankful for.
After that, I have no plans at all. I will have raised my children and should be free to do whatever I please. Within
reason… I’d like to go visit Nancy and see her new place. Maybe meet the new grandbaby if I wait that long. But then
again who knows… it’s not like I’ve got money to burn.
So there ya go, you’ve been told. You know where I’m coming from and how I feel. You can continue to write to me if
you’d like and when I have time to write back or something good/interesting to write about I’ll write you back.
Hope you are doing well.
Amy

Memorial day?!

Call to social security today. It went to processing last Friday, so if everything is in order it will get paid out but if you haven’t gotten it by memorial day, call us again. We can’t do anything until its been in processing for 60 days. I heard it myself on the speaker phone and wanted to crawl into a corner. No way can I handle this house for two more months.