I am nothing.

Somewhere in my life i got the impression that if i made the people i love a priority, made them special,  made them matter, then I too would matter,  be special or become a priority.  But I was wrong at the end of the day,  I only matter when they want, for what I can do, bring, offer. I am so easily discounted, toss aside, discarded when something or  someone better comes along.

She’ll always be there,  no matter how much we neglect her, no matter how rudely we speak to her, no matter how much we take advantage or expect from her,  she’ll be there.


My husband eats almost every night, right before bed. Tonight being no different, he comes in after midnight eating and asking if I wanted some. I declined. Little bit later I go into the kitchen to get the dog his meds. My husband rushes into the kitchen,says, “you’re not gonna eat something better now are you?”
No, I’m just getting the dog his meds. Then I said, hey since you know I don’t eat that late could you not bring food into my room or offer me food?
He says,”its just cause we ate so early.”
I’m like, no we ate at our normal time, regardless you do it all the time. It makes it hard for me.
“well then you should talk me out of it every night.”
Nope, you’re a grown adult. You need to control that yourself. I’m not going to try to talk you out of eating and then you’ll eat anyway.
“well, then the same thing goes for you. You’re an adult so you control yourself when I eat.”
No, not the same thing and I do control myself.

He is so annoying. He has relapsed a couple of times and always finds a way to blame the “bad” person that he’s friends with. “Well, they brought it over and I couldn’t help myself. If they were good friends they wouldn’t have tempted me.”

Same deal goes for me with food. You tempt me at every freaking turn, but I am stronger and don’t just give in. I currently have two snickers, a Hershey bar and a ding dong in my desk drawer all from him. “I got this for youuuu…” It was three snickers but I gave in one night…I have weaknesses too.

He should have said, “you’re right. I’ll try not to offer you food late at night anymore.” Easy as that.

April 18th

A year ago today I brought my mom to my house. I made my bed up with her sheets and bedspread, so it felt like her home. When she asked me, “where am I?” I said well who’s bed does it look like you’re in? It made my heart feel good when she answered, “mine.” I think I knew she was dying but I think I wanted to believe she was going to get better. Today’s been hard. I feel like I’m right there again. I almost wish I was. I miss my mom so very much, I long to hear her voice and feel her hand in mine

I feel my heart sinking.

I’m right back there. Thoughts overwhelming my brain. Tears trying to escape. I want to scream. Stomp my feet. Throw hissy fit.

I want my mom back! I WANT MY MOM BACK!

This was the day I brought my mom to my house. I made my bed with her sheets and bedspread, so she’d feel at home. When she asked, “where am I?” I said well who’s bed does it look like you’re in? It felt good when she said “mine.”

I miss her. I long to hear her voice or feel her hand in mine.