Worthless.


This song came out in the prime of my husband’s drug use. I used to play it super loud whenever he was in the car with me. I mentioned how much I liked it. He knew it meant something to me, but he never realized it was my anthem to him. He never put it together.

On the way home from therapy last week, I was overcome with sadness and cried most of the way home. The idea that I never mattered was prominent. I never mattered to my parents…
I never mattered to my husband.
I just wasn’t important enough.

Example when I had the worst kidney infection of my life. I called my husband at work and told him I was in terrible pain, asked him to come home so he could drive me to urgent care because I didn’t think I could drive myself. He got super upset, but eventually came home about an hour later. Took me to the urgent care, texted on his phone while we waited, I was silently crying and going back and forth to the bathroom. Finally an hour later, I’m seen and sent off with prescriptions. He’s so busy calling his assistant manager to cover his shift for the next day, while I’m sitting in the car waiting to go get meds. He made it all about him having to take the next day off work, when I never asked him to do that. I was peeing blood…
When I had a horrible cough and sinus infection for two months… I went to three doctors on my own. When I had mono so bad I could hardly stand but I drove myself to the doctor. When I was having chest pains and was actually worried, but I drove myself to the hospital…
Same deal when I was a kid… when I broke my collarbone and we finished getting firewood before we went to the hospital. I didn’t matter then… When my sister cut her leg open and we could literally see the bone, we played cards until my dad finally came home to take her to the hospital. We didn’t matter.

That time my husband and I were both super sick, I called him to come get me and we both went to urgent care. My fever was higher than his and the nurse was like, your wife is much sicker. But later I slept on the floor while he slept on the couch… I never mattered.

So when I had kids, I finally mattered. Someone loved me and I was the most important person to them. They loved me, I mattered to them and they mattered most to me. I was finally worth being loved.