Tired.

I think the most common phrase that comes out of my mouth is .. I’m tired. I am tired, but more often than being sleepy type of tired… I’m tired of being me. I’m tired of being asked “how are you?” you don’t really care to know the truth. Who gives a fuck how I am anyway? I’m tired of lying and I’m tired of you pretending to care. You don’t care. Quit asking. I’m tired of worrying about everyone else, tired of caring about anyone else. I just want to take care of me.

I can completely understand why my mom checked out. Being the least important thing in the world is tiring. Sorry, you have to go to the Dr with me, no you’reĀ  not. Sorry I don’t help out more. No, you’re not. Sorry, I didn’t do it on my own. No, you’re not. Sorry, you had to help with that… No, you’re not. If you were sorry or you felt bad you would make an effort to change. But it is comfortable to be lazy. Each and every one of you is comfortable being lazy.

My sister exercises and works out. I cheered her on, way to go with your bad self. She said, I don’t want to have a heart attack.

I thought, I do, I just hope it kills me.

Of course I couldn’t say that… that opens my life for discussion and honestly, I don’t want to talk about it.

The beginning of the end

Christmas came and Christmas went without a mom, without presents from my family. I really didn’t expect there to be presentsĀ  but I guess somewhere deep down I had hope that one of them would do something for me… Nope. He could have had he wanted too. It really wouldn’t have been hard.

New years came and went with only the slightest recognition. Take out but he had to ruin that too. Such a child, I’m actually embarrassed for him… Well I would be if I wasn’t so busy feeling sorry for me.

I have no hope for my future. I am completely hopeless. I’m beyond depressed and so wish I could just not wake up in the morning. Die in my sleep. Nope need to get this kid graduated then we’ll see what I can do for myself

I’m so tired of being me…