Four months ago, I watched my mom die. I miss her terribly and think of her daily. I have panic attacks when I think of never seeing her again. I see her face in my mind and long to talk to her, to touch her, hug her and laugh with her. Somedays, I go through the motions of living but most days I just exist. Living without my mom is the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever done. Most of the time it doesn’t seem worth it. I hold on, push forward and think of my children. Please don’t comment if it isn’t helpful. I’m only making this public so everyone truly knows what I’m feeling. When someone dies, everyone shows up, within days people tend to start leaning away. Within weeks almost everyone has disappeared and you’re left alone to suffer. Losing my mom didn’t go away, the pain hasn’t lessened and the hole in my heart continues to grow. The sun still shines without my mom, but like today’s eclipse it’s a weird kind of light, dull, colorless, lacking warmth and not at all bright.
My mom had this plant that a friend had given to her when she had heart surgery. The plant had been struggling the last 6 months or so of my mom’s life. I brought that plant home and I did everything I could to keep it alive but it died, just like my mom. It’s symbolic I did everything I could keep my mom alive and I couldn’t, just like I couldn’t keep that plant alive. The plant given to my mom when my father died I have been able to keep alive for almost 30 years. I’m going to replace my mom’s plant, with something. In her memory..