5 am

5:10 am –┬ácan’t sleep. I play out these scenarios. I need to get a picture, one more picture of her and I. We picked out her flowers yesterday and made a list of people she’d like to know. I can’t imagine the calls…Is this the morning I go over and she’s not alive? Please when the time comes, don’t say what a blessing….

 

9:15 am – She was sitting up at her table when I came in. The table was moved as if she’d crashed into it. She’d been throwing up. She wanted to call but didn’t know how. Our plan is to move her to my house today.

A visit

My brother and his family came to visit my mom this weekend. I was supposed to take the weekend off and breath. It didn’t work out that way, I could blame and others have but it doesn’t really matter. She wasn’t feeling well and didn’t get proper care so the nurse was called out, by me and I spent the entire weekend over there. Thankfully she’s feeling better tonight and more like herself. I’m tired, very tired, to the center of my being.

Love yous

Headed home, visited with mom, got her ready for bed, some meds, ice water, and lotioned her frail tiny arms and legs. Hugs and kisses and call me if you need me. I love yous and goodnight, momma. I’ll see you in the morning.

Making arrangements

RN monday, Chaplin Tuesday, Social worker tomorrow, RN Thursday, Friday visit with her doctor to say goodbye…. Friday night, my brother comes. Next week funeral home comes to plan. Each of those days we drag out things, make lists, make plans, discuss how much she wants to be done, how soon it could come, how horrible it would be to drag out… I get it, but I hate it. How many times can a “child” hear that their parent wants to die. I cry every day… I can’t imagine my world without her. She does seem to be improving a little, at times and other times not so much. I feel like a child, that will be an orphan… no grownups that are mine.

Home from the hospital

Got mom home yesterday, hospice nurse met us at mom’s house. New meds, more confusion for both of us. We bickered a bit, I got frustrated she wasn’t listening and she felt I wasn’t listening. shortly after we both cried and apologized to each other. Got her clothes changed, medicated up (xanax and morphine make grandma happy) and settled in. Came home had dinner and did school stuff with Antone. Karl, Ashlee and I went back over about 9:30. They played on their phones, while I got mom medicated again and into bed. I stayed up too late and didn’t sleep well, but not doing bad. I’ll go over and a little bit and set her up for the day. Need to address some things with hospice, my bad not theirs.

Hospice means free meds

Meeting with “heart ‘n home” which is hospice today in my mom’s hospital room. Anxious about my mom going home (I’d rather she was here, at my house, she doesn’t like my husband and isn’t a pet person), but not about hospice. I slept 9 hours, in MY bed, last night.

Too much

In the month of march we celebrated two birthdays, I had two loved ones tell me they wanted to die, I had one loved one beg me to let her die, I’ve been to the emergency room twice, the doctor too many times to count and a family member quit/lose their job and then lose health insurance, had a loved one have major surgery, had three loved ones get super sick and I’m tired, so very tired.