Mrs Groovy

I’m tired today.

My sister called me last night out of the blue. Very cool. My Mom and her twin will be turning 75 next year and my Aunt had emailed my sister to ask if they should plan something. This is over a year away….

I’m still debating home schooling my son next year because I am sick of his crap. I know I will because I do NOT want him back at public school but sometimes I sure wish to heck I could send him away.

Imagine spending 24/7 with your children. I love them more than I love anything but sometimes a few minutes home alone would be really nice.

I get the whole bed to myself tonight. Yay! I’ll miss my husband but I sure do love sleeping diagonal in the bed.

Something is going on with my computer. The other night the screen just went black and I could not get it to wake up. I had to shut down improperly (which by now come on shouldnt there be a way to shut down when you can’t shut down properly.) All the rest is blah blah blah… eventually I “fixed” it and was a happy girl. Today it did the same thing…. Grrrr I don’t want to play with it so I just shut it off and I’ll deal with it at a later time. For now, I’m just  thankful I have my laptop.

We had my Mom over on Sunday for a turkey dinner. Saturday night my husband and I were just talking about food and I said Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls…. ect would be awesome. He woke up earlier than I on Sunday and went and bought everything I needed which was the turkey. heh.

My Mom called while he was gone and I invited her to come eat with us. She had mentioned stopping  by because we’d beeen sick and then she got sick, so we hadnt seen her for a while. It was the perfect amount of time and everything turned out wonderful. She sat and watched funny videos with us. Lovely evening.

I don’t want to be in charge of the family money anymore. My husband laughed and said we’d never be able to handle him being in charge of the money. He’d be too strict. So does that mean when I’m in charge it’s ok for him to spend as he wishes because its not his problem? What a jerk! I am a spender yes, but not even half as much as he is.

My dogs are annoying.

I dont even know where to begin when it comes to writing. Its been so long. Kids had birthdays, there was spring break and the week of sickness that totally wiped me out. Then my long time best friend from jr high found me on facebook and I went through the entire “what have I done with my life”.

I’d say the last best friend I ever had was Erica. We were best friends through huge life changes and then I moved to Oregon… We kept in touch and even visited each other. Then I asked someone other than her to be my brides maid and everything changed. At the time she was going to college in CA and had just moved in with her boyfriend. I thought there would be no way she’d be able to come to WA so I asked my husband’s best man’s wife instead. Believe me I paid for that by not asking my sister either (she was 9 mo. pregnant I didn’t think she’d want to). That was in October 1989 the last time I spoke to Erica was when my Dad died 4 months later, February 1990. She was cold and unresponsive when I called her to tell her my Dad died. That hurt my feelings and we never spoke again.

I always felt this loss through-out my life… this wonder of what had been, what could have been. I wished I knew if she had kids and I wished she knew I did. I wanted her to know my children and I wanted to know hers. I wished we did things as couples and I wished we could have shared our pregnancies and I missed having someone that knew “me”.  Its as if I felt being able to talk to her again would complete me… would allow me to move on and close that chapter. Oddly enough the thought of speaking to her freaked me the frack out and I spent an entire day spazzing out at intermittent times. What if it wasn’t all I thought it would be? What if it didn’t complete me? What if it wasn’t what I remembered…. Sick to my stomach all the next day waiting for her call.

Did it complete me? No… but there is so much still to know, to learn, to catch up on maybe in time that will come. Am I still angry or is it guilt at not asking her? Do I feel bad that I allowed our friendship to end when I most certainly could have used it? Yeah and with time I am sure I will apologize and hopefully she will too but if she doesn’t I’m ok with that. I know I must in order for the chapter to close. Twenty years of not being able to say sorry needs to end and it needs to end with me doing it. I will.

We grew up, both of us and its weird.

I called my sister today. Out of the blue. She added a picture to facebook and I told her she needed to make it her profile picture but she couldn’t figure it out. So I called her. I think she was shocked. I should do it more often. It takes two…

I look back and wonder what could have been but in the end I’d change nothing because that one tiny change could change everything.