Gone Already.

I present a strong facade. I can handle this, I can cope but instead I turn off. I go through the motions of living, taking care of others, taking care of my duties as a wife, mother, pet owner and used to be a daughter. I am no longer a daughter for I no longer have parents.

In reality, I am broken and would like to be carried, just for a bit. Someone to hold me and make me feel safe and protected, even for a few moments. To matter, to be important enough to be put first.

I want to be a princess, to be special, to be loved and cared about just a small fraction of time.

I’m exhausted. I’ve got nothing left to give. I can’t carry the weight of this life anymore. I don’t even like me.

I don’t want to die and I do look forward to a new and better life.

But I do want to give up, I do want to stop living.

If I didn’t have my kids or my dogs, I’d be gone already.

Narcissist

The narcissist treats women the way he does in order to weaken them and to make them dependent on him so as to prevent them from abandoning him. He uses a variety of techniques to undermine the sources of his partner’s strengths: her healthy sexuality, supportive family, thriving career, self-esteem and self-image, sound mental health, proper reality test, good friends, and social circle.

Once deprived of all these, the narcissist remains his partner’s only available source of authority, interest, meaning, feeling and hope. A woman thus denuded of her network of support is highly unlikely to abandon the narcissist. Her state of dependence is fostered by his unpredictable behaviours, which cause her to react with fear and phobic hesitation.
Each narcissist has a profile of his preferred SNSS. It reflects the predilections of the narcissist and the matrix of his pathological needs. But a few things are common to all potential women SNSS:

They must not be garrulous, they must be slow, inferior in some important respect, submissive, with an aesthetic appearance, intelligent but passive, admiring, emotionally available, dependent and either simple or femme fatale. They are not the narcissist’s type if they are critical, independently thinking, demonstrate superiority, sophistication, personal autonomy, or provide unsolicited advice or opinions. The narcissist forms no relationships with such women.

Having spotted the “right profile”, the narcissist sees if he is sexually attracted to the woman. If he is, he proceeds to condition her using a variety of measures: sex, money, assumption of responsibilities, fostering sexual, emotional, existential and operational uncertainties (followed by bouts of relief on her part as conflicts are resolved), grandiose gestures, expressions of interest, of need and of dependence (mistakenly interpreted by the woman to mean deep emotions), grandiose plans, idealisation, demonstrations of unlimited trust (but no sharing of decision making powers), encouraging feelings of uniqueness and of pseudo-intimacy, and childlike behaviour.

Dependence is formed and a new SNSS (secondary narcissistic supply) is born.

Sam Vaknin

 

Dream.

Took a nap today,  woke up crying. In the dream my mom had died, I planned her memorial and no one came. I had her ashes sitting on the bar and everyone (random people I didn’t know) kept telling me it was no big deal. I kept screaming at people to shut up and leave me alone because it was a big deal,  it was a huge freaking deal. I had let her down. Just like I’d done in real life.

Four pounds!

Almost perfect blood pressure 119/80!
and…
and…
I
have
lost
4
POUNDS!!
Mirtazapine was the weight gainer… we’re moving forward finally.

I may need to increase my other med for the Fibromyalgia or eventually see a specialist.
I may also need to get a endometrial ablation.
But,
4 pounds!

This is just the beginning!

Graduation Day

So, today is the day my son graduates. We’ve been on this “journey” together since 2nd grade. Nine years after we started doing school at home and we’ve reached the pinnacle of graduation. It is pretty amazing to me that we actually made it. There were many many days that I couldn’t imagine we’d last 9 years. There were plenty of days filled with fighting, yelling and crying (he’d yell, I’d cry) but the last two years he’s really pulled through and held up his end.
The last year of my mom’s life was tough on all of us. She needed me more and was sick or in the hospital more often. After she died, he was such a supportive dude. I can’t even estimate the number of nights I couldn’t sleep and he’d keep me company. He really grew up in the last year. I know deep in his heart he wishes she could have been here to see this day, but he also knows she was tired of fighting to breathe. She would have made him feel special and uncomfortable all in one. I know I will miss her more today than I should and I do worry I might ugly cry but I will brave through it to support my son and help him fight his fears and uncertainty of the day. And his future.
Next brave step for him, drivers license!