Routine

My daughter and I have started a new routine. It will help me get some me time, sadly I have to sacrifice sleep but still…. So after I get the kids out the door, it is me time for about an hour and a half. Then she and I will go for a walk. After that the day can go however, the activities demand. Hopefully this will help me feel like I’m not just running for other people.

J was driving me nuts yesterday with his little word games. I see this as a problem. He thinks its funny as shit and I just see it as fucking with me. Trying to trick me or make me feel/look stupid. But then I figure that is probably just my trigger…

Something about me.

I was born in Billings, Montana. We moved to Idaho when I was 2.  We lived in a couple different places in Idaho but always the general area until I turned 15. That’s when we moved to Oregon. Tiny little Podunk town. Horrible horrible place in time but also a time of growth and change. I met my (ex) husband  shortly after I turned 17. Less than a year later we moved to Washington.

Married at 19, while living in Washington. First child, a daughter came when I was 24. Ectopic pregnancy when I was 28. Second child, a son just before I turned 30. Two years later we moved back to Idaho. Couple years later my mom would come to Idaho as well.

Home school, jobs… life….

Bankruptcy, job loss, drugs, arrests, shoplifting…. temper, threats, intimidation.

March 2017, daughter wants to die.

My mom’s health declines and I lose her forever on April 21, 2017.  World crashes….

Divorce. I DID IT!  Oct  2018.

World spins…. life is uncertain but feels possible.

6 months of peace…

Feb 2019 – I met a guy.

 

 

 

Count down to the end…

Mom threw up all day today. It was the most horrible vomit ever. I thought I’d lose it but I kept it together. She kept saying sorry and I kept telling her it was ok. I remember waking up early after not having slept well and thought I need to get to her house. It was a good thing I did because she had been stumbling around her house. The table in the kitchen was moved as if she had bumped into it hard. She was confused and out of it. I felt bad I hadn’t stayed the night. Why hadn’t I stayed the night?

God, I wish she were here so she could see where I am. I wish she could offer her opinion even if I didn’t like it. Would she be happy with what is going on in my life?

I knew I had to bring her to my house so I was running around her house trying to wash her bedding so I could bring it, gather all her stuff and pack her a bag. I was depending on the people at home to help with things, set things up. I needed help at her house but at the time the rodeo was acting up and I had mom’s car so no one could really help.

When the time finally came for me to leave the house I couldn’t get mom out by myself. She was too weak. I had the van all loaded up and I was trying to figure out how to get her out when I saw these men working on a house across the street. I had hoped maybe they could carry her out… I had to ask. They did help me, thankfully and we got to my house. I hurried up and made my bed with her bedding… asked where she was. I asked her if it looked like her bed. She said yes and seemed satisfied. I slept (when I did sleep) on the floor next to the bed. I should have laid with her but I had been shut down for so long it just didn’t feel comfortable.

 

Kirby

Tonight, I left my son at home and took his dog to be put to sleep. Kirby came into our lives when my son was 5. He followed us home from a bike ride and dug his way into the back yard. He claimed that 5 year old boy as his own. They grew up together. Tonight as I watched my 19 yr old son wrestle with the decision to end his dog’s suffering, I saw my 5 year old little boy again. I held Kirby as he fell asleep and then quit breathing, then I carried him home to his boy.