Mrs Groovy

Not to give up.

Change everything about me:

When I am feeling overwhelmed at night I go out back and stand on the kid’s picnic table and look at the lights down the road from the city. Nearby our neighborhood is a highway, highway 20-26 which I drive frequently but rarely at night. The lights flying down the road seem like lights of life driving to their destination. I watch the cars turn off the highway and into the neighborhoods surrounding us. I imagine them coming home from work or possibly going to work. My thoughts go back to working nights in a cookie factory for 9 long years. The flash of light from the storage building across the highway flash and remind me the city is close but yet so far away. I am reminded of driving from downtown Salem, Oregon to our little town in Stayton, driving from my job at Hallmark to my parent’s house, the cars whooshing by me. Stayton, the town where my life changed. The sounds of the cars whooshing by sound frantic but yet calming even now as I am again in the present time.

I’m living in the past again, I do it so often now. Every time I drive to Boise, I’m young again and my Dad is still here and I smile. I see the images of my Mom so much younger… I don’t want to grow up. Age has never been my issue but as I near the big 4-0 I begin to reflect and I’m not liking what I see.

You can say if I could go back in time and do it again I’d do it all the same. I wouldnt want to do it the same but if I didnt I wouldnt have them…. and they are what I live for.

I went on Friday, I didnt update because there is nothing to tell really. I’ll know in a couple of weeks. Of course I was sick to my stomach for the entire week prior but mostly just tried to put it out of my mind. The guy was a jerk and I speculate he wasnt a fan of mine. He was incredulous that a high school drop out could now be home schooling their children but seems content once I told him it was done via computer. Was openly shocked when asked how long I had worked prior to being unable to work. He was not a nice man and did not convey any type of feelings at all. So, in a couple of weeks we shall know if our current income will remain the same or if it vanish. Not thinking about it much as there is nothing I can do now but wait and see.

My daughter had another dr appt and he handed us over to counselors (shrinks) so we will be finding one in the very near future. She was of course upset and not happy with having to share her stories with a stranger. However the dr has given up on medications working alone and has diagnosed her with severe depression. Breaks my heart. She was able to have a friend spend the night last night so she was in good spirits most of the week. I worry most that she is embracing her illness rather than fighting it. I know once I had a “name” for my issues they became my way out. I dont want to doubt her or her feelings but its hard enough to fight my own demons and now I’ll have to fight hers too. What on earth could they be? Have I failed? Well of course I have…. I’ve done nothing but fail that child since she was born.

The kids and I are going to my Mom’s tomorrow night for dinner and to help her make popcorn balls for their neighborhood bazzar. I’m going to take the movie Up and hope it doesnt make my Mom sad. I know, it’s silly to worry about that after all this time but it is “her” story. But you know all disney movies are good and they all live happily ever after….

Next week my husband has two over-night inventories and on friday I have a disability review with a dr. Positive thoughts…. positive thoughts…. please.