Simple hyperplasia without atypia – Basically precancerous cells in my uterus which means I cannot have an ablation and must instead have a hysterectomy. In a way this is better because there will not be the worry of the lining growing back and have the ablation fail but it also means more expense and much more recovery time. I did tell my husband and he did ask if he could be a part of my life during that time… sigh.
I present a strong facade. I can handle this, I can cope but instead I turn off. I go through the motions of living, taking care of others, taking care of my duties as a wife, mother, pet owner and used to be a daughter. I am no longer a daughter for I no longer have parents.
In reality, I am broken and would like to be carried, just for a bit. Someone to hold me and make me feel safe and protected, even for a few moments. To matter, to be important enough to be put first.
I want to be a princess, to be special, to be loved and cared about just a small fraction of time.
I’m exhausted. I’ve got nothing left to give. I can’t carry the weight of this life anymore. I don’t even like me.
I don’t want to die and I do look forward to a new and better life.
But I do want to give up, I do want to stop living.
If I didn’t have my kids or my dogs, I’d be gone already.
The narcissist treats women the way he does in order to weaken them and to make them dependent on him so as to prevent them from abandoning him. He uses a variety of techniques to undermine the sources of his partner’s strengths: her healthy sexuality, supportive family, thriving career, self-esteem and self-image, sound mental health, proper reality test, good friends, and social circle.
Once deprived of all these, the narcissist remains his partner’s only available source of authority, interest, meaning, feeling and hope. A woman thus denuded of her network of support is highly unlikely to abandon the narcissist. Her state of dependence is fostered by his unpredictable behaviours, which cause her to react with fear and phobic hesitation.
Each narcissist has a profile of his preferred SNSS. It reflects the predilections of the narcissist and the matrix of his pathological needs. But a few things are common to all potential women SNSS:
They must not be garrulous, they must be slow, inferior in some important respect, submissive, with an aesthetic appearance, intelligent but passive, admiring, emotionally available, dependent and either simple or femme fatale. They are not the narcissist’s type if they are critical, independently thinking, demonstrate superiority, sophistication, personal autonomy, or provide unsolicited advice or opinions. The narcissist forms no relationships with such women.
Having spotted the “right profile”, the narcissist sees if he is sexually attracted to the woman. If he is, he proceeds to condition her using a variety of measures: sex, money, assumption of responsibilities, fostering sexual, emotional, existential and operational uncertainties (followed by bouts of relief on her part as conflicts are resolved), grandiose gestures, expressions of interest, of need and of dependence (mistakenly interpreted by the woman to mean deep emotions), grandiose plans, idealisation, demonstrations of unlimited trust (but no sharing of decision making powers), encouraging feelings of uniqueness and of pseudo-intimacy, and childlike behaviour.
Dependence is formed and a new SNSS (secondary narcissistic supply) is born.
Took a nap today, woke up crying. In the dream my mom had died, I planned her memorial and no one came. I had her ashes sitting on the bar and everyone (random people I didn’t know) kept telling me it was no big deal. I kept screaming at people to shut up and leave me alone because it was a big deal, it was a huge freaking deal. I had let her down. Just like I’d done in real life.